25 Reasons To Buy An Xbox Over a GAMECUBE

Greetings one and all. There's a new leader in the video game console market, and its name is Xbox! Now, I know this statement may confuse many of you, seeing as how we're Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine and everything. Well, if you've been paying attention in recent weeks, you'll know that we've barely been updating. Why has this been? Because we've been busy with our new lives... as Microsoft employees! Yes, they pay us well, and it's a good life. But on this, the eve of the GAMECUBE's release, we felt something had to be done. There's no way this little upstart company called Nintendo is going to bring down such a tried and true name in video games like Microsoft. So with that, we proudly present to you 25 Reasons To Buy An Xbox Over a GAMECUBE. Sit back and don't be afraid to cry tears of joy, knowing that you purchased the one true next-generation video game entertainment machine.

We're talking about Xbox.

25. Where's the heart?

Legal?  When you have a certain amount of money, the law is no concern.

Here at Microsoft, we're determined to bring you quality products. The craftsmanship that goes into each labor of love is extensive, unlike the way those meager video game designers over at Nintendo operate. You see my friends, GAMECUBE has no heart... literally. That's why we've paid off the top heart surgeons in all of Silicon Valley to bring to us the finest specimens of heart around. Yes, we've put a real human heart in every Xbox console. The logic? None but showing you how much we care. Some call it grave robbing. We call it progress.


24. We don't piss on John F. Kennedy's grave.

''Oh man, that Luigi's Mansion makes you pee!''

Former presidents like Mr. John F. Kennedy should be held in high regards, especially since he got a piece of lead through his skull almost 38 years ago. Then why is it that this GAMECUBE fan/Nintendo employee decides it's appropriate to urinate where the former Commander In Chief of the United States rests? Obviously, people associated with GAMECUBE have no self-discipline. Do you really want to end up like this jackass? We think not. If he were an Xbox fan/Microsoft employee, he'd be sure to urinate on a lesser grave.


23. Child labor!

''Please save me from the Indigo Devil!''

This is sure to be a scandal that rocks the house of Nintendo, and we're breaking it here first. Microsoft spies over in Japan took this photo of a sweatshop, where mere children are being forced to make GAMECUBEs and GAMECUBE accessories. We can only assume how much they're paid a day, but it's probably not even enough to buy a fortune cookie to feed their family. Rest assured, here at Microsoft, we don't resort to child labor to get our products made. Besides, those hobos like having guns pointed to them. It gets them off the cold streets.


22. Green Acres is the place to be.

Keep GAMECUBE just give me that Xboxside!

Green Acres is indeed the place to be, and thanks to a creative deal with TV Land and the show's syndicators, Xbox will play a prominant role in every episode through the magic of CGI. What changes can Green Acres fans expect? For starters, the show will be nothing but a shot of a stationary Xbox. That's right, 22 glorious minutes of nothing but Xbox. Now that's what we call classic television!


21. TACOS!

Another satisfied hispanic customer.

Question: What's a subtle way to screw Nintendo up the colon? Answer: Steal away their former promotional partner! That's right, Taco Bell is now firmly under Microsoft's ass, as evidenced by the new Xbox scratch game. But that's okay, right? Nintendo still has Dr. Pepper to promote it. Hah! That sure did wonders for Donkey Kong 64. Face the facts, folks. If you like tacos, and you like video games, then the only system to play while eating tacos is Xbox. Aspire nuestro pene!


20. GAMECUBE gave basketball star Magic Johnson AIDS.

''I have the AIDS... thanks GAMECUBE!''

Earvin "Magic" Johnson is a worldwide hero... who's also HIV positive. Now, some blame his constant sleeping around for getting the virus that causes AIDS, but oh no no no, that wasn't the case. I bet you didn't know Magic Johnson was a virgin, did you? Yes, he's a regular Gary Coleman (or another famous virgin). Well, he was a virgin, until one night after a basketball game, GAMECUBE came into his hotel room and viscously raped him! We here at Microsoft don't stand for this sort of inappropriate console behavior, and that's why we've cut off the genitals on every Xbox. It's to insure you that, hey, your system will respect your right to just be friends. Abstinence - It's not a dirty word.


19. To conserve natural resources, Xbox is nuclear powered.

Microsoft is not responsible for any radiation poisioning.

We knew there was going to be hell to pay from tree huggers if Xbox was run off of fossil fuels (like GAMECUBE is). That's why our console is being powered off of atom-splitting goodness. While this is sure to get the government on our backs again, we felt that it would be safer to go this route instead of having dangerous pollutants fill your home. Xbox is the non-carbon monoxide experience.


18. Xbox is Ernest Borgnine approved!

''I declare that... X... box... is of... Borgnine... quality!''

Beloved actor Ernest Borgnine has pledged his undying support for Xbox. Upon questioning which of the next generation systems he preferred, Mr. Borgnine said (throughout his life and interrupted by other words), "Well, I really like... X... box... above all else. GAME... CUBE... is rather childish... for a... man... of my... distinguished... tastes. Besides... X... box,... the thing I love most in life is giving myself an enema with a turkey baster."


17. We have only the finest third fourth party support.

Formerly Tltimate: Glay uhe Pame.

Playstation led the Nintendo 64 because third parties generally felt the N64 was too difficult to develop for, therefore giving more games to the PSX library. However, most of those games were utter bullshit. We here at Microsoft wanted to be trendsetters, as we wanted to have a large library of quality games. Because many third parties wouldn't return our phone calls, we went out and found the mythical fourth parties. You never hear much about the fourth parties, mainly because up until now they've only specialized in unofficial bootlegged games. But how can you live without trying the works of Kapcum, Conami, and Warerare?


16. Four out of five dentists agree.

Bad teeth are now XTINCT!

Studies show that four out of five dentists prefer Xbox for its whitening power. Moreover, research has proven that if you leave a tooth inside a GAMECUBE console overnight, it will dissolve. Which would you rather trust your teeth with? Item! Your smile is generally the first thing people notice about you. Item! Taking care of your teeth now will save you from nasty dental bills later. Item! Not flossing between your teeth with Xbox can lead to gum disease.


15. Scary clowns support GAMECUBE!

''Can I come over and play some GAMECUBE, children?''

By a show of hands, how many of you are scared of clowns? That's what we thought. A great deal of people in society fear these childhood symbols of innocence, and this shift in public opinion of clowns is aided by the fact that they really are evil. What's more, they also love playing GAMECUBE, but they can't afford to buy one for themselves. So what do they like to do? Come to your house in the middle of the night and play with yours. Folks, do we really need to tell you that the only way to keep scary clowns out of your house is to not bother purchasing a GAMECUBE? If you really want to play video games, we suppose you'll just have to settle for an Xbox...


14. GAMECUBE's games make no sense.

...and the entire cast of Hangin' With Mr. Cooper are secret characters.

Here at Microsoft, it's a firm belief that gamers should know what kind of game they're buying before they make the purchase. For instance, if you buy Odd World: Munch's Odyssey, you pretty much know what to expect (in addition to quality). Not so with GAMECUBE, we're afraid. Look at the screenshot on the right. That's taken from the GCN title Wave Race: Blue Storm, but as you can clearly see, it has nothing to do with watercraft. The entire damn game involves around John Stamos, Jaleel White, Bronson Pinchot, and Reginald VelJohnson forming a Beatles tribute band. What the f--k is this shit?


13. Bill Gates is your paragon of virtue.


Some of you may have seen that movie on the TNT network a few years ago entitled Pirates of Silicon Valley, which depicted Mr. Gates as a cruel, ruthless son of a bitch that stepped over everyone to get to the top. How they lied, we're afraid. Did you know that Mr. Gates was actually entrusted with Microsoft by God himself? You see, God was looking for the purest of the pure to trust His grand creation with, and there was no purer than William Gates. He is your paragon of virtue, and wouldn't you rather purchase a system that is practically endorsed by the Creator instead of one that isn't? Of course you would.


12. The candidate who you didn't want to win last year's presidential election supports GAMECUBE.

Don't you just hate him?.

Remember the controversial 2000 U.S. presidential election that's still being debated about today? Well, the candidate who you didn't want to win loves GAMECUBE. Yes, the man who you hate with a deep passion loves nothing more than to sit back, come up with several political ideas that piss you off, and play a little Star Wars: Rogue Leader. In fact, he claims GAMECUBE is where he gets his inspiration from.


11. GAMECUBE promotes gangs.

''We gonna' cap your ass with the Cube, beotch.''

If there's one downside to the GCN coming out in different colors, it's a major one. GAMECUBE promotes street gangs. Young teenagers in the projects who are looking for a sense of family band together, unified by the color of GAMECUBE they selected. This causes street wars between the Indigos and the Blacks. Plus, if you're traveling in a bad part of town with the wrong color of GAMECUBE, you're likely to get attacked. Why even risk it?


10. Disobyeing Michael Jackson's orders, GAMECUBE stopped before it got enough.

''Bubbles, GCN has made me angry.  Tell Emmanuel to get in here and give me a bubble bath.''

Michael Jackson: Keep on with the force, don't stop
Don't stop 'til you get enough


Michael Jackson: Keep on with the force, don't stop
Don't stop 'til you get enough


Michael Jackson: Keep on with the force, don't stop
Don't stop 'til you get enough



9. Xbox will be guest starring on The Simpsons later this season.

Bonestorm X avaliable Q1 2002.

Yes, Xbox itself will be guest starring on The Simpsons later this season. The plot will revolve around Homer quitting his job to become a "video game inspector," but when he meets Xbox (voiced by itself), Homer tries to convince Xbox to lower its quality standards and half-ass it like every other video game system on the market. This annoys Xbox, but soon the squabbling pair are stuck on a train headed to Arkansas together. Can the duo come together to stob a band of train-robbing midgets? Stay tuned to Fox to find out!


8. With GAMECUBE's size, it's more likely to be involved in a Richard Gere scandal.

''Ah, thank the maker for this small control...''

We've all heard the gerbil allegations. But with GAMECUBE's laughable size, it's very reasonable to assume that Richard Gere will strike again. That's why we've made Xbox larger than neccesary. You think we made the controller too large just to annoy everyone? Hell no! It was a calculated effort to keep it safely away from the buttocks of Dick Gere. You may thank us later.


7. Xbox is the choice for mature gamers.

Disclaimer: Medicare does not cover any Xbox related illnesses.

How mature is the Xbox compared to the GCN? Very mature. We worked extra-hard not to be labeled as a kiddy and/or kiddie system. That's why we're specifically aiming towards the 55-80 year old demographic. Our system delivers twice the volume, monitors your vital signs, and delivers games that quote the Bible a lot. If you want some teeth dropping, liver spotariffic, mature action, there's only one choice for you... Xbox.


6. Playing GAMECUBE will make you go blind.

Don't play with it, damn you!

Oh, sure. Playing with it tempts us all. If you're feeling a little anxious and want to relieve some stress, what harm does playing with it do? Well kids, it makes you lose your vision. We speak the truth! Playing with it will cause you go to blind. Some argue that this is an old myth, but do you really want to take the chance? Just wait until you're in the sanctity of an Xbox purchase to get pleasured in such ways.


5. Most religious scholars now agree that the current design of the Holy Cross isn't historically accurate.

Jesus died for your sins... and Project Gotham Racing!

The Holy Cross is a symbol beloved by Christians throughout the world. However, like many things in history, what we thought we knew about it have turned out to be false. The vague description of its shape in historical and religious documents led scholars to believe it was nothing more than two pieces of wood nailed together. Not so, as a little research has uncovered that it was actually much more complex than that. Yes, Jesus Christ was crucified on an Xbox controller. We're not sure how they knew about the Xbox in 30-something A.D., but it just adds to Xbox's already-established importance in the past and future of mankind.


4. You'll never see this little girl again if you don't buy an Xbox.

''If u wuv me, u'll buy n Xbox.''

Still not convinced to buy an Xbox over a GAMECUBE? Then we'll have to take the direct approach. You'll never see this darling little angel again if you don't purchase an Xbox, you son of a bitch. She wants nothing more than to be reunited with her mommy and daddy, and we would like to see that too, but we're afraid it just can't happen if you don't go out and buy an Xbox. A little too harsh? Hey, they don't call 'em console wars for nothing.


3. Heeey... hot tub!

''Umph, ooh, ahhh, HEEEEEY!!!''

"HEEEY! Ooh, aaah! YAAAAH! James Brown, uh ah, HEEEEEYAAAH! Umph, uhn, hey hey, uff, right now. Ooh aah, YAH HAH! Emph, omph, aaahh, HEY HEY! Xbox, ahh ohf! Play it, hey, right now! Gonna play it... HEY! Sex machine! Ooh, aaah! YAAAAH! Umph, uhn, hey hey, uff, right now now. Gonna say, ooh hah hah, hey! Do it right! Uh, uh, HEEEY!"


2. So far, there has been no Hitler in a society with Xbox.

Heil Waluigi!

The facts speak for themselves. Since Xbox's release on Thursday, there has been no sign of Adolf Hitler. This supports our theory that in a world with Xbox, there can be no leader of the Third Reich with the same name. Don't get too secure though. When GAMECUBE is released tomorrow, its negative energies may throw off the balance of good that Xbox has installed within the flow of the universe. While we have no evidence of this, if one person buys GAMECUBE... then Hitler may return from the hole he's been hiding in ever since Xbox was released. Do us all a favor, and choose Xbox. You don't want to be responsible for another Holocaust... do you?


1. The Legend of Zelda, Cel-Shaded

Link, after returning from a stroll down Lollipop Lane.

Finally, the number one reason to buy an Xbox over a GAMECUBE is the cel-shaded version of The Legend of Zelda that Nintendo is trying to shove down your throats. Honestly, this is how they treat their most popular and beloved character? Be thankful your old pals at Microsoft heard your cries of anguish. Yes, through creative bargaining, the Zelda franchise is making its way to Xbox as well. Unlike Nintendo's GCN title though, we're going to give everyone the game they want.

Link, after returning from a stroll down UP YOURS, NINTENDO Lane.

Here is the world premiere of the very first Zelda Xbox screenshot. Notice how much more realistic it is compared to the GAMECUBE's cel-shaded Zelda game. The level of graphical detail is simply astounding, and as Microsoft employees, we're here to tell you that the GAMECUBE simply wouldn't be able to handle such rich, delicious imagery. So remember the name, folks. Two X's, a B, and an O.

Xxbo. The only real system this holiday season.