I have a real bone to pick with Nintendo right now. See, the big N's marketting machine has billed 2013 the "Year of Luigi" (technically speaking it's the year of the snake, but I'll chock that up to cultural differences between the Chinese and Japanese). It's a (barely) clever ploy to hype a long awaited sequel and draw significance to two otherwise unrelated titles that all happen to feature Luigi (one of them is DLC for a Mario game, the other is a Mario game), and it purports that they've dedicated the year to Mario's second fiddle in honor of all the years he's been in his more popular brother's shadow (surely there's a fat joke in there).

Do I think Luigi deserves recognition? Nah, not really. Is it a good idea for Nintendo to put their focus on a character other than Mario for a change (even if, functionally speaking, Luigi is identical to Mario and they're still basically advertising Mario games)? Hell yes. But moreover, has Nintendo squandered an opportunity here? The answer is again, hell yes.

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Imagine seeing THIS on Nintendo Direct.
I can imagine the conversation they had when they came up with the idea. They didn't want the consumer base to get sick of Mario. They wanted to highlight another character, one that has historically been overlooked. A sidekick that occasionally stars in his own games and has proven himself to be a hero in his own right. And they decided on Luigi, when any person who bleeds people blood would obviously have chosen DIDDY KONG. You really screwed the pooch on this one Nintendo, but now's not the time for blame (I'm sure whoever IS to blame has already gutted himself on the conference room floor, for honor), now's the time to make ammends.

Since I fully expect to be disappointed by E3, it's time to look ahead. I'm proposing that 2014 be officially declared "The Year of Diddy", and FINALLY acknowledge gaming's true player two. How can they capitalize on this opportunity? Well, naturally they need the games to back it up, so here are some suggestions for Diddy Kong-centric games they should have ready by next year:




Diddy Kong Racing 2

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With Luigi's Mansion-esque Pink Floyd subtitle- We would've gone with "Animals" but Microsoft owns them all. I guess "Wish You Were Here" would've been fitting.
Sure, Luigi's Mansion was a semi-quirky title by Mario game standards, so it's nice that they finally got around to making another one. 11 years is a long time to wait for a sequel. Oh sorry, I mispoke. I meant to say "11 years is a long time to wait for a sequel... IF YOU'RE A PUSSY". Try sixteen years. No other franchise has been this close to a revival on so many occasions, only to remain REVIVAL-LESS (Diddy Kong Racing 2 is the cocktease of cartoon racers.) We thought Monster Games was making it, but they made DKCR3D. And you know what? Next Level Games are way bigger Donkey Kong fans than Luigi fans anyway.

So here's the pitch. Both Monster Games and Next Level Games just finished up their most recent projects, and either one of them could do a good job on this. BUT, in order to get it out for 2014, I suggest they TEAM-UP (with Monster making the racing engine and tracks and Next Level designing characters and the adventure mode). Keep in mind that Nintendo can't use Timber's Island or any of the DKR characters sans Krunch, and the very act of replacing them all would probably alienate most fans of the original, potentially tarnishing any nostaligic appeal the game would have. Also keep in mind that this would come out directly competing with the Mario Kart franchise, which could hurt both game's sales or result in a lack of marketting from Nintendo, which would hurt only this game's sales. Also ALSO keep in mind that because of the bleed-over with Mario Kart, Nintendo would PROBABLY push for a drastic change to the core mechanics in the form of some absurd gameplay gimmick, which would definitely tarnish any nostalgic appeal the game would have.

But at least it would exist, right?




Diddy Kong Returns 3D

Donkey Kong Country Returns 3D is out and selling like cakes. Hot ones. But one of the biggest complaints of DKCR is Diddy Kong's reduced role as a glorified powerup. Well, since they didn't institute a Diddy Mode, why not create a whole new game starring Diddy, as both a downloadable add-on to the 3DS adventure as well as a retail release? Now, ideally Monster Games would be the one doing this, but since, as described above, they're co-making Diddy Kong Racing 2 The Streets, they're probably too busy.

Unfortunately, our next best option is to put the New Super Mario Bros team on it. That doesn't necessarily mean it'll be terrible though! It just means they'll reuse all the same in game assets. Oh, and they'll probably use the same world archetypes. But that's not bad, right? Now, as far as who will take DK's place for the second player they'll probably use a minor character that's already in the game...

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I didn't think I could hate that pig more.

...On second thought, maybe this ISN'T the best idea.




Donkey & Diddy: Dream Space Dynamo Warriors

The people want a Donkey Kong RPG. RPGs tend to be very story centric with lots of character building, delving deep into the series past and exploring new facets of old elements. So, why not make it an exploration of DK and Diddy as partners and give the little guy title billing? Diddy's been helping DK from the start, it's about time his name was featured as prominently as DK's. That's right, Donkey & Diddy: The Game. Now, before you get TOO excited about that "story centric with lots of character building" bit, I should tell you that putting Diddy in the title is pretty much the extent of character building that Nintendo'd allow. And they probably wouldn't really allow a story. And they probably wouldn't be too keen on delving into the series past so as not to alienate new players.

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If you want more Kongs in your DK games, you're in luck. This one has 1,480,312. 1,480,311 of them are Diddy.
But that's ok, you know what they WOULD allow? An exciting new gimmick to drive the gameplay and steal focus away from those other elements I just talked about! My pitch is that DK and Diddy encounter a new villain called the Dynamo Warrior Clan, who transport the heroes to Dream Space (is it a dream, or is it space- suspense!), a realm where everything is made out of Diddy Kong. Ropeswinging? You mean chains of tiny Diddys holding hands. Barrel Cannons? You mean floating Diddy heads that swallow and spit you out. Minecarting? You mean riding in a big square Diddy's belly button while four tiny Diddy heads roll along a track made of Diddy Kongs. Climb a tree? Diddy Kong-leaves connected to Diddy Kong-bark strutting out from branching Diddy Kongiroots burried in microscopic-Diddy-comprised-dirt. INNOVATION!



Well, this has been a bit of a failure, hasn't it? I guess after examining Nintendo's typical practices and recent output, I don't have much faith in their ability to even do justice to a Diddy Kong Tribute. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm still suggesting they go through with it because disappointing games are better than no games at all (*ahem* DKCR 3D *ahem*). But after imagining the shit job they're gonna do next year, I have a real bone to pick with Nintendo. You really screwed the pooch on this one, but now's not the time for blame, it's time to make ammends. That's why I'm proposing that to make it up to us, 2015 be officially declared "The Year of Parry the Parallel Bird" and FINALLY acknowledge gaming's true parallel-flying-bird-ally. Here are some suggestions for-

[Removed by Admin. Jeff carries on in this pattern until 2037]

A bonus Diddy-costumed-Iwata for you. Because you don't have nightmares often enough.


Sum werds by Jeff Onan wiht picters by Matt Cornah