All Those Years Ago...


Zat is vat is ze problem.  Ze gap.Does anyone feel like a creampuff? No? Alright, how about an eclaire? Not hungry for one of them either, eh? Well how about a moron, then? Does anybody feel like a moron? Good. That means I'm not alone.

I'm sad to say that I have, personally, lost faith in Nintendo and its industry completely. All the fears I had about GAMECUBE have been made flesh. Well...not really flesh, per se, more like plastic, but that's not the point. Why is it that I so professionally despised the Playstation 2 and X-Box, even before their release, awaiting GCN's arrival with my tongue under my arm like every other idiot hopeful- and am now suddenly drawn toward what could be the most unoriginally named console since the Sega CD? Why is it that the GCN's launch line-up and recent release-list consisted solely of games that entertained for a maximum of 5 hours, some only taking this long to complete?

Who screwed up and on which rung of the f*ckladder did they do this? Ask Satan and he won't be able to reply. Sure, most Nintendo fans remain hopeful, because this is essentially a pre-requisite for being a Nintendo fan, but I personally have had enough. This company seems to hate its consumers. It doesn't even know who the hell they are. We are not a bunch of idiot kids who want 10-hours in Miyamoto's garden marvelling at how detailed the textures are on some giant tincan. We want ACTUAL VIDEOGAMES! Of course, Nintendo are too high on themselves to realize this.

Here we are with Star Fox Adventures (Andrey from the year 2000: "What the f*ck?") being delayed much later into 2002. Whatever happened to Not Screwing People Over? If you're going to release a game release it, for Christ's sake. If not, cancel the damned thing and lets all go have a Ginger Ale. Why are decent videogames always "on the horizon" with Nintendo? Why don't they ever hold true to what they say?

I'm sick of trying to answer these questions. I'm not going to bat an eye when the GAMECUBE dies a horrible console death after being nothing more than a system for ports and shoddy "innovations" that don't get their creators anywhere. Videogames were a child's forte when they were simple and low-res. Now, as they develop the capacity to be more complex, you need a more complex mind to play them and enjoy them and- ergo- you need older gamers. GCN can make games very advanced and complex...even ENJOYABLE if it wants to. But think of the f*cking children.

-Andrey, who remembers a time when tin cans amused him. I was 3.