There are certain DKU characters who just happen to match up with certain holidays very well. The Twinklies and Christmas. Mr. Ribs and Halloween. The 1 vs 3 Minigame Tree and Arbor Day. And if I had to assign one character to take on the hardships of Friday the 13th, it would really be a no-brainer. Because, really, I wouldn't be surprised if Friday the 13th was Gobi the Camel's birthday.

That's right, everyone's favorite punching bag with emotions, Gobi is probably the unluckiest DKU character to ever grace a television screen. For him, it really doesn't matter what day of the week it is; he's guaranteed to be beaten, abused, and just downright made fun of by every living thing he meets. And, since this is the DKU we're talking about, that's pretty much every inanimate object you can think of.

Now, some people may try to argue that there are other characters in the Banjo-Kazooie series that have had it worse than this undermined ungulate. "I think Roysten lives a pretty rough life." "those living cauliflowers only exist to get killed, isn’t that depressing?" "Ben, aren't you the unlucky one for having played the entirety of Nuts and Bolts, lololol?" And that's why I am here, to humbly present, why Gobi is, without a doubt, the least fortunate character to ever exist in anything ever.

Banjo and Kazooie first run in to Gobi in his very own level, Gobi's Valley. Now, surely his life can't be that bad if he has an entire desert named after him? But this level is like a memorial dedicated to Gobi's soul, something that died long ago, leaving Gobi a husk filled with nothing but water, extra honeycombs, and pain. He lives out his days tied to a rock, being forced to listen to the same background music on endless loop. But then a bear and bird free him, and he runs off to find shade. Surely things must be looking up!

But you know those moments where you're crossing the street and you find a penny on heads, and then you get hit by three consecutive cars? Yeah, that's kinda what happens here.

Because lucky Gobi happens to find the one tree in the desert with an attitude. This tree refuses to give the namesake of the valley in which he lives even a little break from the sun he's been forced to endure for who knows how long. And as he is arguing with a plant, he is greeted with the force of an entire brown bear falling from the sky onto his back. Scoliosis, thy name is Gobi. But the back trauma isn't enough - Gobi's precious supply of water is jettisoned from his mouth into the very tree that was just back-talking him. Distraught, Gobi seeks shelter elsewhere.

But Gobi's luck doesn't start here. He climbs up the side of a mountain, directly after getting backstabbed by his two so-called saviors. Here he finds a door. He figures he'll wait it out until Stop n Swop happens so that he can get inside, away from the heat of the desert. But Stop n Swop never comes. Just more pain. More mammals and birds giving it their all to cripple this camel. Gobi is forced to leave his home and find a safer environment. But the bear and bird follow him, ensuring that Gobi never accidentally stumbles upon a lucky day.

Gobi decides to take refuge in Click Clock Wood. It's the last level, after all, so there's no way Banjo and Kazooie could find him here, he thinks as Kazooie suddenly drills into his back again, forcing him to water yet another plant. Really, this bean sprout doesn't even have eyes, and when the main heroes of the game care more about the wellbeing of a fern than they do you, you start to question your purpose in life. But Gobi stayed throughout the seasons, persevering, hoping that the two would leave him alone. But nope, that plant is looking a tad thirsty. Better drain the life from a camel to make it feel better. After Click Clock Wood, Gobi decides to search for the Fire World. Because a land where fiery death rains from above is the place where he feels safest.

Of course, on the way there, Gobi gets locked up and thrown into a petting zoo. And when I say petting zoo, I mean jail. He probably was arrested for having a name that starts with a "G" or for not wearing a seatbelt while jogging or something. But no matter, Gobi spends the next two years in prison. It's out of the frying pan and into the fire. Or, he wishes it was into the fire, but instead it's into the pen with the Jinjo next to it. In this time, Gobi decides to grow out his beard, in an attempt to get the ladies.

But he gets no ladies.

Gobi's story ends with him having his spine shattered for the fourth time. He doesn't make an appearance in Nuts and Bolts, but there are two cars designed after him. If I had to make a guess, I'd say there is a 95% chance that Gobi did some modeling for this game with a promise of a big paycheck, something that could finally help him get his life back on the right track. But the modeling agency stiffed him and he ended up becoming a coke mule. Drug dealers would Beak Buster his back to retrieve the drugs, obviously. But, really, Gobi's life hadn't gotten worse. Gobi was just perpetually unlucky.

So there you have it. Life really has it out for Gobi. And on Friday the 13th, we should all take a look at Gobi. On this day, he is almost a role model. If you think you're having bad luck, just look at what this camel has been through. And if you want some hilarious pranks to pull on your camel friends, well, now you have a list of them. Really, he should be commended on this day. Gobi, you get a pat on the back.

…too soon?