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Canary Mary's Biography
Species: Human-Bird Hybrid
Slotcar Derby. The Golf Guru. Canary Mary. They were all ridiculously difficult. Yet, they also have biographies behind them. Well, except Slotcar Derby. That was just a minigame in the Mario Party series. I wish Canary Mary wasn't a character either. Then I wouldn't have to be writing her damn biography. Oh, screw it. I'll let Biography host Jack Perkins do it.
 "Welcome to...Biography! I'm Jack Perkins, and I'm drunk off my ass. Tonight we take a close look at the life of Canary Mary, the first half-human, half-bird type creature seen in the Donkey Kong Universe. Canary Mary is most recently noted for being given various forms of the "F.U." gesture around the globe by various players of Banjo-Tooie, a mildly popular Nintendo 64 video entertainment game.
Canary Mary was born on the Isle O' Hags, among a rare species of Human-Bird Hybrids. At an early age she was taken by coal miners, and was used as their poisonous gas tester. If there was air unfit to breath down in the mine shaft, they'd know, because Mary would perish. It was certainly a cruel life, but things would eventually turn around for young Canary Mary...in a few decades.
Biography's look at Canary Mary will continue after this."
Pepsi Girl: "Hey America and beyond, kiss my ass. Enjoy me as a cute little girl while it lasts, because you just know in ten years I'll be in porn."
"Biography's look at Canary Mary continues.
The year was 2000. Mary had spent years down in the shaft, and she was very ill due to the various forms of dust and gas. She would eventually be rescued by a pair of animals known as Banjo and Kazooie. After rescuing her, Mary was very please to be free from her constricting cage. She wanted to do what she had done for fun before she was captured so many years ago, and that was race. She challenged the bear and bird to a race through the mineshaft, with the two of them on a minecart, and her using nothing but her wings. They went back and forth, but in the end Banjo and Kazooie managed to score the victory. They got a Cheato Page and a Jiggy out of it, and Canary Mary flew to Cloud Cuckooland, her birthplace. When Banjo and Kazooie finally caught up with her again, they raced once more, this time on a mechanical flying mouse. It was a much more difficult and competitive race than before, but Canary Mary ended up losing once more. She gave them a Jiggy and a Cheato Page, and flew away in the sky.
Canary Mary hasn't been seen since, but rest assured that when the first snowy day of winter comes, she'll be back again. Wait, that's Frosty the Snowman. Sigh.
Tomorrow on Biography, we take a special look at the life of Ted the Boatbuilder. What hardships have plagued this crusty sea man throughout the course of his life? That's Biography, tomorrow, here on Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine. For A&E, I'm Jack Perkins."
Note: Certain celebrities impersonated.
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