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Donkey Kong 64 Merchandising Campaign
The game is astounding people worldwide as we speak. The game is huge, with nine gargantuan worlds and five characters, utilizing every drop of processing power the system has to offer. The game is about a talking gorilla. Donkey Kong 64 is the greatest thing to touch human skin, and people can't get enough of it! So naturally, Nintendo thought they'd jump on the bandwagon and spout forth a plethora of items for smelly children to whine at their parents to buy. Introducing, the Donkey Kong 64 Merchandising Campaign!
A number of shirts were produced for this game, but most were made to persuade people to buy it The only one you could actually purchase was the one to your right. Featuring the finest green tie-dye techniques and silk-screening skills our side of Mercury, this wonderful sheet of folded fabric features Lanky, Chunky, and the others riding about in their stylish Minecart. It's preshrunk 100% cotton, to keep you warm in the cold, cold winter. And it works off the pounds in the sweltering summer! So go out and get one today! And maybe purchase a Sloppy Joe to eat on your way to the store.
Next up, some "jammin'" tunes to "get your funk on" to. The Donkey Kong 64 Soundtrack features 18 tracks of musical bliss! Unfortunately, some mindless slob or slobs don't recognize their first character, and Cranky's Lab jingle is known as "Klanky's Tune". Ugh. And K. Rool's theme was left off, which was possibly the greatest boss theme concocted. But overall, it has all the other tunes, including a 5 minute, 19 second Fungi Forest theme. Droooollllll......
Of course, as Cranky hinted in the DK64 Manual, there would be a players guide produced. Unfortunately, it was produced by Nintendo Propaganda Power, who doesn't care about Donkey Kong as long as they have Pokemon raking in the dough. Sigh. The book tells you all you need to know, but they call Squawks "Squawk" numerous times. Just close your eyes and hum loudly. And they seem to fancy these new Windows Paint-drawn level maps, as opposed to the actual polygonal aerial view as seen in the Banjo guide. We want the aerial view! But if you're stuck, or just want to scan and print the best DKU render EVER (Lanky on the back cover), this guide is the way to go.
You've seen it in magazines, you've seen it on Updates, and you've seen it on TV.......well maybe not the last one. But the first two were absolutely correct. It's the DK64 Banana Bunch Controller! This is the greatest controller ever created by mankind, so obviously, you need it! It is colored Banana Yellow, just like DKL, DKL2, DKLIII, and DK64! Not only that, but the three prongs are colored to look like bananas! Woah! And the top says "DK64"! Just like the game! So get one and then you can spend countless hours in DK64 multiplayer playing for the rights for the controller until you forget what you were playing for in the first place. Ahh, yes.
The Donkey Kong 64 hat. How do we love you? Let us count the ways........... one........ two........ Yeah. Two. Well, it's black which provides loads of healthy radiation in the heat, and makes you sweat more, so you'll lose weight! See, DK64 Clothing is perfect weight-loss equipment for all you people who don't play golf or run in circles a lot. It has some nice, shiny text on the front that says "Donkey Kong 64", and a stylish gold banana over the left ear! Woah, nelly!
Not only was there a truckload of many large wearables for Donkey Kong 64, there were ACTION FIGURES! Starting off the second wave of DKU figures (Diddy Kong Racing being the first), we've got "High Swingin' Donkey Kong"! It's supported by a small plastic clamp that latches on to a variety of things including, but not limited to, bird cages, desks, chairs, picture frames, nostrils, and anything else your imagaination can think up. Donkey takes the other end of the vine in one hand and you can make him swing! Hours of fun!
Perfect for the Donkey Kong enthusiast, there's "Banana Flingin' Diddy Kong"! As the name suggests, he flings bananas! Our heroic little monkey comes with not only three bananas, but three coconuts for no good reason! Pull his arm back in unnatural angles and release to fling blinding sticks of potassium at your mortal enemies! And it works great on pesky Jehova's Witnesses who go door-to-door trying to convert you!
Reverting back to his DKC/DKC2 days as a young, aspiring airline operator/surfing beach bum, Funky appears in plastic form as "Surfin' Funky Kong"! The Nintendo 64 surfboard has pegs for his feet to attach to! So your neighbor punks got a remote control car for Christmas? Challenge them to a race with Funky, and watch them back over him several hundred times! Oh, it's fun to abuse DKU action figures! You should see what we did with Wizpig's rocket! erm... NEXT ITEM, PLEASE!
This must be the Male Kong Collection, because we've got "Smashin' Cranky Kong" as well! No plastic hair here, his beard it 100% cheap doll fur! He comes brandishing his infamous walking stick, and if you so much as press a button on his back, he'll give you a whippin' to put that kid who got caned for vandalising a car to shame!
It's always been known that Kiddy wants to grow up to be like Donkey, right down to his spit filled hair sticking up. With the "Chest Pounding Donkey Kong and Kiddy Kong" set, you can have Donkey beat his chest, and then have Kiddy do a weaker version of it! And Kiddy also comes with a bottle, so if you're a guy you can live out your fantasies of playing with baby dolls! Not that we have that fantasy......just you.
As always, there are Donkey Kong beanbag dolls. But this is a new set! The heads are pure plastic! You could run it over with an 18-wheeler and it would go unphased, although that is not reccomended. Donkey holds a banana in his right hand! While it has been revealed that Donkey Kong is a big dumb animal, this doll makes him look a little too oafish. It's a reccomended purchase, but if you have the monetary values, get the original DK beanbag as well. The one made entirely of felt. He's my pal.
This beanbag is actually quite better than the previous Diddy one. While the head is that annoying plastic, he's actually about the right size. The previous one was about twice the size of the same series' Donkey Kong. As aforementioned, the old Donkey Kong beanbag is the ultimate sack-o-beans, so we use it as a standard. You shouldn't cuddle with this Diddy bag, as the hat is quite sharp. But besides that, it's a definite thumbs up for purchase.
Here we go! Finally, a Funky Kong beanbag to call our very own! This one is great, too! It's so finely crafted, you don't even notice that the head is made out of plastic. The teeth are the perfect size, the bandanna is the correct color, and he's the same size as Donkey! Just look at that picture! Yeah! Unfortunately, he'll fall over backwards unless you make him grip his own feet, but that's a minor problem. And lo and behold, Funky is dressed up how we liked him best, a surfer! He is apparently the DKC2 surfer, but he's got a new surfboard. A Nintendo 64 one! So if you can buy one of the new beanbag set, put all your money on this six-dollar gem.
Right. Rounding off the beanbags, Cranky Kong shows up in all this plastic-headdy goodness. Surprizingly, his cane is made of cloth and plastic chips, not a plastic wooden device of mass destruction. I guess they thought we would gag small forest creatures with it, but only the crazies among us would do so. Ahem. His head is plastic, yet he's not topheavy! That's right, Cranky Kong stands hunched and proud with his cane, just as he does in the games. A nice buy. Oh, and hir beard is made of REAL HAIR!!! It's PEOPLE!! AAAHHHH!!!
Ooohhh.... A wallet! A place to store all of your merchandise-buying monetary values! It's got a chain inside to attach to your belt loop and strangle people with! Now you can look like an even bigger geek! We took off the chain, so we would be "cool", but society is a bitter bitter mistress, never accepting, always rejecting, except those so shallow that...... Oh, sorry, I got a bit off topic. Anyway, this thing rules! It is Jungle Green with a rubbery DK64 logo on the front, and it comes with some clip that we don't know what to do with! BUY IT!
Those of you who don't want to suffer through the extra year of Nintendo Power magazine to get the special controller, don't fret! You can buy this handy controller cover at a fraction of the cost. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit like the advertisement's picture, but what you see here is good enough. The control stick can rotate, thebuttons can move down, etc. And your hand will NOT slip while holding it. I'm serious. It's difficult to get your hand off of this thing! Ahh, but it just means more playing time! And that's all anyone really wants, isn't it?
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