Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine: The DK64 Stuff THEY Don't Want You To Have

The DK64 Stuff They Don't Want You To Have

As everyone in the known universe went to get Donkey Kong 64, the Vine ran into some indisputable luck. I mean this was pure, unadulterated luck. One of our prestigious reporters (whom you have a 50% chance at guessing) was about to purchase the game, when the clerk looked at his reserve ticket and recognized his name from the site. (Now you have a 100% chance at guessing.) Anyway, it turned out this clerk was the manager of the videogame department at Toys R Us, and was unpacking a box of videogame department promotional merchandise at the time. After the Vine personnel purchased the game (and was on the verge of passing out with joy), the clerk handed him a huge box with a few select items inside, for the "Die-Hard DK Fan". So join us, will you, as we take a look at the DK64 stuff they don't want you to have.

'Warning: Box contains compressed apes. Point away from face when opening.'

'Warning: Box contains compressed apes. Point away from face when opening.'

You are now looking at the holy box in which the rare items came. It has "Confidential" and "To Videogame Department Manager" and "Open Immediately" plastered all over the place, with huge red text that says "This time we ain't just monkeying around". It's made to look like a crate of bananas, with Donkey Kong infiltrating and desanitising the contents.

Slap them on peoples' arses and watch mayhem ensue.

Slap them on peoples' arses and watch mayhem ensue.

First in the box, was a roll of several hilarious DK64 stickers. Well, they weren't as hilarious as they were promotional. There are two to a set. Each set contains one smaller sticker that has the game's logo above the N64 logo, and a larger sticker that displays some bananas, the Rare logo, the DK64 logo, and the big gorilla's face. We were tempted to put them over our eyes and run around bumping into things, yelling "Lanky, Lanky, Lanky, Lanky, Lanky!", but we were afraid they'd put us away.

Note to self: Here is a less humiliating way to write notes to self.

Note to self: Here is a less humiliating way to write notes to self.

WOW!!! You thought it would peak off at the stickers, huh? Well no sirrie-bob! This ultra-useful notepad is shaped like a banana bunch of yore, with Donkey Kong's overused render at the top. Of course there's the mandatory N64 logo, Donkey Kong 64 logo, and Rareware logo. The bananas get lighter at the middle, to provide a legible writing surface. But it wouldn't be proper to use a normal writing utensil on this lovely notepad, would it? Hmmm...

Hmm... there's a warning here... 'Keep out of reach of Monica Lweinsky'. I wonder what that means.

Hmm... there's a warning here... 'Keep out of reach of Monica Lweinsky'. I wonder what that means.

Here we go. If you didn't understand our rampant foreshadowing, this is most likely what they wanted you to use whilst writing on the banana notepad. A banana pen! It's yellow and shiny! With the DK64 logo! It reminds me of the foam E3 banana. And it actually writes! It writes unprofessional blue ink! Have you ever heard of such crazy antics?

One pin photographed twice and cleverly spliced.

One pin photographed twice and cleverly spliced.

We saved the best for last. This Donkey Kong 64 pin is in the style of some newfangled movie posters and Dorito bags, in that tilting it will reveal another message. One tilt says "Ask me about!" and the other says "Donkey Kong 64" with the same old DK render and bananas floating about. Lousy bananas. Make me all hungry... I haven't eaten a banana in a few hours. sooo hungry.... OH! Hello. Anyway, the pin shall not go to waste at the Vine. It will be worn everywhere a professional look is not required. This includes weddings, the toilet, funerals, occupations, and the like.