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Donkey Kong 64 Lunchables Special!
Here's a riddle! What comes in a box, is a popular purchase of negligent parents, and is the world's leading cause of food poisoning? Yes, that's right! Lunchables! These Oscar Mayer brand prepackaged synthetic foodstuffs have now branched out in their marketing to include the greatest N64 game to date, Donkey Kong 64. The Vine was privaleged (gullible, rather) enough to purchase five of these boxes of solid poison just so we could report to you, the anxious reader, on their particular DK64 features.
First, we must discuss the main feature of the product. It seems that each box comes with a special message on the inside of the box, seen at right. While it's an utter disappointment that the odds of actually winning a trip to Nintendo of America to play Banjo-Tooie are approximately one in 26,877,380, many still feel that it merits a purchase. The odds of winning a Nintendo 64 Jungle Green package are 1 in 16,264. Meh. You really don't need a new Nintendo 64 system along with DK64, do you? Nah. You already have them. DON'T YOU?
Right. Ahem. Second on the list of features are the DK64 collectible cards on the back of the box. While they require a steady hand and metal gloves to cut out, they are well worth it. Each one features a render of one of the playable Kongs in DK64 along with a list of their moves and collectible items. In addition, each one features incredibly hip phrases. Everything from "My orangutan arms come in very handy!" to "I'm back for King K. Rool's™ last stand!" is featured. And you're sure to be the hit of the party asking someone for the K. Rool one to trade, then laughing at them yelling, "Hahaha! Fool! There is no K. Rool card! Ahahaha!" That's a great way to attract the ladies. Cough.
Not only that, but they come in all sorts of varieties. The ones that we acquired were Pepperoni Flavored Sausage Pizza, Chocolate Pizza Swirls, Homerun Hamburgers, Extra Cheesy Pizza, and Low Fat Turkey and Cheese. Some might say that this food is absolutely disgusting. We tend to agree. But that's not really the point, is it? The point is that since it has to do with the DKU, you must blindly choke it down for sanity's sake. We did it for Dr Pepper, and we'll do it for Lunchables. Hey, at least it's not Lanky Kong's Sulfuric Acid.
One of the more amazing things about the Lunchables is that despite their wretchedly toxic interior, the exterior is lavishly decorated. There are renders on these boxes that we never knew existed! If you really want to see them, just go to Super K, stare for a second, and leave. Yeah, that's sure to get the manager to like you. It's a mystery as to why Nintendo or Rare hasn't released any of these renders, as many of them are excellent. The best are of Lanky. Man, I never get tired of his unbearably orange face.
Well, if this didn't convince you to purchase the monstrosity that is Lunchables just so you can have the nifty DKU box and "Play again" statement, then you are a very smart person. The only reason you should EVER buy Lunchables brand Rat Poison is if you work for a semi-successful Donkey Kong website and need to stress why NOT to buy it while still pointing out that the only highlight of the product is the DK connections. So remember: Guns don't kill people. Lunchables kill people. Thank you for your time.
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