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The second book in the DKC book trilogy I am happy to own(Even though obviously it's chronologically the first; I had the DKL book for years but just got the others off eBay, so blame.....elves.), this neat little novella loosely covers the game that started it all. Right then, time to give it a proper MST3K-ing. I present: Donkey Kong Country. Written by Michael Teitelbaum. Yippee-skip-yahoo.  Chapter 1 The storm on Donkey Kong Island would not let up. Rain poured down in sheets, thunder shook the tall trees, and lightning split the sky. Oh, no! A space-time rip has been created! On the ground below his tree house, Donkey Kong stood talking to his little buddy, Diddy Kong. "What happened tonight is our little secret, OK?" "Sorry it's your turn to stand watch on such a miserable night, pal," said Donkey Kong. Unlike last night, which was unusually sunny and full of butterflies and happy singing animals. "That's okay," replied Diddy. "It was just as bad last night when it was your turn to guard the bananas." Wait, scratch what I just said. It was full of zombie butterflies and demonic homicidal animals. "We just can't afford to let our guard down with those Kremlings," Donkey Kong explained. Ach! The Russians are coming! The Kremlings were evil creatures who had come to live on Donkey Kong Island. Their factory polluted the island's air. And lately, they had been stealing food supplies from the island's many inhabitants. Don't you mean evil reptiles who have been living on the island for a while? Oh, wait. I forgot. This book is crap material. "Don't worry about me," said Diddy. "I'll guard our bananas with my life! You can sleep soundly with Diddy Kong on patrol!!" We're screwed. "Thanks, kid," said Donkey Kong, giving his young friend a gentle pat on the head. "You're going to make me proud!" "And remember, don't tell anyone..." Donkey Kong climbed up into his tree house. He curled up in bed, listening to the pounding rain and the wind lashing against his roof. He soon drifted off into a deep sleep. Nothing like a soothing storm threatening to make your puny treehouse cave in on itself, eh, Donkey? In the stormy jungle below, Diddy stood watch in front of the banana storehouse. "I'm going to make Donkey Kong proud of me," Diddy repeated to himself. Wait. Diddy, when did you say that? Donkey Kong was Diddy's idol. He wanted to be just like the big monkey when he grew up. Diddy figured that standing guard against the Kremlings on a terrible stormy night was a good way to act like his hero. Unfortunately, it turned out to be an uneventful night, and this left him empty and unfulfilled. Suddenly Diddy heard a sound. It was not easy to hear over the noisy storm, but Diddy thought it sounded like footsteps in the jungle brush. He was wrong. It was coconuts dropping on the ground. "Halt! Who goes there?" he shouted. There was no reply. "Just us bad guys! Please ignore us!" Get some brains, Diddy. A few moments passed. Then Diddy heard the sound again. Footsteps, he thought. It's definitely footsteps! You sure it's not coconuts? Or apples? Or boulders? A knot formed in Diddy's stomach. His hands began to shake. "Stay calm," he said to himself. "Donkey Kong would be brave in this situation, so I'm going to be brave too." "Who needs courage when you have a GUN?" Diddy stood up straight and shouted in his loudest voice. "I am the brave Diddy Kong. Show yourself, if you are friendly. If not, then get ready for the fight of your life!" Note to Diddy:SHUT UP. Again Diddy got no answer. He began to doubt himself. Could I just be imagining it? Maybe it's nothing. But you were concentrating hard and hearing it twice! Oh, fuck yes, it must be your imagination! Just as Diddy convinced himself that the footsteps were only in his imagination, a horde of Kremlings leapt from the bushses. "The fight of our lives, eh? Ha, ha, ha, ha!" cackled Klump, the leader of the group. "How foolish of Donkey Kong to leave his precious bananas guarded by a mere child." Why all the commas between "ha"s? Is he taking a two-second pause between each one for health reasons? "I'm no child!" yelled Diddy. "I'm as tough as Donkey Kong, and I'll prove it." Well, you're about nine at the time this takes place. Oh, wait. You must be a midget, then. "I'm afraid that is exactly what you are going to have to do, monkey," Klump said. Then he screamed, "Kremlings! Dispose of this pest!" So the Kremlings pulled out an aerosol can and Diddy screamed, "RAID!".... Two Kremlings raced at Diddy from opposite directions. He reacted quickly. Just as the Kremlings reached him, Diddy jumped straight up into the air. Diddy was a great jumper. In fact, he could jump higher and farther than even Donkey Kong. The two Kremlings crashed into each other right at the spot where Diddy had been standing. Hooray for something we've already seen countless times on TV! Diddy came down on the head of another Kremling, startling the evil creature. "I told you Krem-bums I'm tough," shouted Diddy. "No, THAT's a Krem-bum," said Klump, pointing to a hobo down the road. Meanwhile, a short distance away, Donkey Kong slept soundly in his tree house. The sounds of the struggle were drowned out by the noise of the raging storm. Like I said, nothing like a loud thunderstorm to keep you asleep. Back at the banana storehouse, Diddy started his favorite move, the cartwheel attack. He sprang off his hands and spun feet-first into Klump. Wait, so he did it in the air? The Kremling leader fell to the ground. Two more Kremlings dove at Diddy, who grabbed a vine and swung out of reach. He fought fiercely, giving the Kremlings a tough battle, but he was outnumbered. Finally, five Kremlings attacked Diddy at once, wrestling the squirming monkey to the ground. "I've got a squirming monkey!" "Yeah? Mine's bigger." The Kremlings stuffed Diddy into a barrel. Klump took the barrel and kicked it high into the air. "Have a nice trip, little monkey! Ha, ha, ha!" he laughed. "Ha, haha-wheeze-Christ, get my inhaler. I laughed too fast again." The barrel soared far across the jungle, landing with a thud in a patch of dense vegetation. Inside the barrel, Diddy was knocked out. Where are we? The moon? "Quickly!" shouted Klump. "We have wasted too much time here already. That mini-monkey was more trouble than I expected. We must take the bananas and be gone!" Two Kremlings lifted a huge tree trunk and ran toward the banana storehouse. Using the tree as a battering ram, they crashed through the storehouse's door, smashing it to bits. You mean storecave....Pah. Forget it. As Klump stepped inside the storehouse, his scaly mouth began to water. Before him stood piles and piles of fresh ripe bananas. Take that out of context and you have one of the nastiest-sounding sentences ever. "Hurry," shouted Klump. "Load the carts!" The Kremlings took everything in the storehouse and piled it all onto their Kremling carts. Then they hurried out of the jungle, taking with them the Kongs' precious stash of bananas. MST3King Chapter 1:Meh. A nearly word-for-word adaptation of the manual, only they still screwed up things in the process. Chapter 2 By the next morning, the storm had let up. Donkey Kong awakened to the gentle sounds of the jungle morning-birds calling, hippos splashing, and monkeys of all types chattering as they swung from vine to vine. Wait a second. Hippos? Donkey Kong yawned and stretched. "I'd better go see Diddy," he said to himself as he slipped out of bed. "I'm sure the little guy did just fine." It turned out Diddy did fine. Donkey congratulated him, and they went and had an average day. The End. Donkey Kong climbed down from his tree house and made his way along the damp jungle floor. When he reached the banana storehouse, he stopped short. He stood before the smashed door in shock. Rushing in, he discovered that the Kongs' entire food supply was gone. There was no sign of Diddy Kong. "When was my door smashed? And when did I have one?" "Diddy!" shouted Donkey Kong. "Diddy, where are you? What happened?" His voice echoed through the jungle. "DIDDY!.....HELLO?......ECHO!...." Donkey Kong was frantic. The Kremlings must have staged a banana raid last night, thought Donkey Kong, pacing back and forth. Why didn't I take the watch last night? If anything has happened to Diddy, I'll never forgive myself. "I've got to find him!" he said aloud. Really? WE HAD NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Find whom?" came a rough voice from behind him. "What in the name of monkey business is going on here?" It was Cranky Kong, Donkey Kong's granddad. "Holy monkey madness, will you just look at that!" said Cranky. "Looks like the Kremlings made off with all our bananas!" "What a prickly predicament! Donkey, you dope! Where is our fine fruit?" "Hi, Pops," said Donkey Kong. POPS? "Don't you 'Hi, Pops' me," Cranky snapped. "Can't you ever do anything right? It's your responsibility to guard our bananas. That's the trouble with the younger generation today. No sense of responsibility. Why, in my day, we would-" "-strap explosives to our chest if it meant protecting them. Yessir, we aren't afraid to die!" "Pops," interrupted Donkey Kong. "We don't have time for this now." "Don't tell me what he have time for, whippersnapper," replied Cranky. "Why, when you were just a boy-" "-you were nicknamed The Adventures of Donkey Kong When He Was A Boy. At least according to that stupid site..." "Pops, listen," Donkey Kong tried again. "Diddy was on guard last night. Now he's gone. The Kremlings must have taken him along with our bananas. I've got to save him!" "Don't you see? I need a plot!" "Now, wait just a vine-swinging minute!" said Cranky Kong. "If you think I'm going to let you rush off on some dangerous adventure all alone, then you've got another thing coming! You'd probably just botch the whole mission, anyway. You need my experience if you're going to rescue Diddy and get our bananas back. Did I ever tell you about the time I single-handedly saved 14 gorillas from the-" Funny, I don't remember Cranky EVEN BEING ABLE TO RUN in the games. How the hell could he go on a journey? "POPS!" Donkey Kong cried impatiently. "I'm being attacked by a Vogon fleet!" Cranky:"Doesn't apply to me." "All right! All right!" Cranky said. "That's the trouble with youth, they're always in a hurry!" "Except with sex. You're supposed to impregnate quickly!" Donkey Kong and Cranky Kong set off together on their mission to rescue Diddy and the stolen bananas. Donkey Kong brought a backpack filled with all types of special miniature barrels. These barrels had special properties that would be useful against any enmies. "I want to be prepared when we battle the Kremlings," he explained. A backpack? Is DK starting to channel the spirit of Banjo? "Hey, Diddy, I've decided to start wearing tight yellow shorts. And you can live in my pack." "That's the first smart thing you've said all day!" Cranky snorted. What, stating something that we already knew instead of explaining what he has to do is smarter? Man, I must be stupid or something. Donkey Kong and Cranky headed deep into the jungle, following the trail that had been left by the heavy wheels of the Kremling carts as they rolled away with the Kongs' bananas. You know, since they don't use cars. Suddenly, a barrel came rolling along from behind them. It struck both Donkey Kong and Cranky on the backs of their legs, knocking them both off their feet. Cranky broke his hip upon landing and died. No one gave a damn. "Whoa!" Donkey Kong shouted as he hit the ground. .....What? "What in the name of monkey madness is the big idea?" yelled Cranky, landing with a groan. Shut up. You're dead, remember? Two Kremlings stepped out from behind a large tree, laughing. "That's two dopey Kongs with one barrel!" smirked one of them. Is this supposed to be a penis-and-testicles joke? Because I'm not following it. One of the Kremlings sprang on top of Donkey Kong. As Donkey Kong and the Kremling wrestled on the jungle floor, Cranky heard a tiny voice coming from the barrel. Then the other Kremling grabbed Cranky by the arms. Cranky looked inside the barrel and found Demi Moore. "So that's where you've been all these years! Right, off you go to film that crappy Charlie's Angels sequel." "Get your scaly hands off of me!" Cranky Kong shouted. But the Kremling just held him tightly and laughed. Then the Kremling had a change of heart, and ran off sobbing because he was ashamed of himself. Nowadays he donates to the poor and raises orphaned children, and....who the fuck am I kidding... Suddenly a huge four-legged beast came crashing through the dense jungle. Donkey: "Th-th-that's a dinosaur!" Cranky: "Why are you surprised? How many dinosaur worlds have been in the DKU so far? 4?" "Rambi!" exclaimed Donkey Kong, spotting his pal Rambi the Rhino as he pried the Kremling's fingers from his face. "Wait!" said the Kremling as he grabbed Donkey's face again and gave him a long, loving kiss, turning this into a disgusting yaoi sex fanfic. Rambi was an immense rhinocerous with a giant head and an enormous horn. Rambi loved nothing more than smashing into Kremlings while running at top speed. One day a Kremling was walking home from work to go home to his family. Rambi ran up and impaled him for no reason whatsoever, causing much grief to his family. Rambi charged right at the Kremling on top of Donkey Kong. He bashed the Kremling, sending him flying across the jungle. At that, the Kremling who had grabbed Cranky released the older monkey and began to run. Rambi charged and caught up with him a few seconds later, bashing him into the air and across the jungle too. Wow. Must be "Low-Grav Day". "Thanks, Rambi," Donkey Kong said, getting to his feet and brushing himself off. As opposed to sitting down and staying dirty. Apes are very sensitive about their hygiene, y'know. "If there's anything I can't stand, it's Kremlings," said Rambi. "They're all over the jungle. Those two are the eighth and ninth I've bashed today!" The others were the one I mentioned earlier, and family members who complained. "They gave us quite a surprise," Donkey Kong told him. Donkey: "I kinda wish they could've walked slowly toward us and asked if they could attack first." "Well, here's another surprise for you," said Cranky. "You're ADOPTED!....Hah! No, just fuckin' with ya." Right next to him stood Diddy Kong! I can't think of anything funny to say here. Good thing the chapter's over. MST3King Chapter 2: Meh, slightly better. So the animal buddies talk. I know Squawks did, and I suspected the others did, but here's a strange way of confirming it. Chapter 3 "Diddy!" exclaimed Donkey Kong, rushing over to his friend. "How did you get here? Are you all right?" Diddy: "I FLEW!" "I'm fine," Diddy Kong answered. A shocking revelation. "I found him right in this barrel that the Kremlings rolled at us," explained Cranky. Can't you guys THROW barrels in this book? Oh, wait, I forgot. You use those stupid barrel cannons later on. Silly me. "I'm sorry I let you down, Donkey," said Diddy, lowering his eyes. "I fought hard to save our bananas from the Kremlings, but there were just too many of them." Donkey: "Oh, that's your excuse for everything! You suck!" "You did your best, kid," said Donkey Kong. "After all, not everyone can be me!" "Unless you have surgery or something....I dunno." "Thank the maker of monkeys for that!" Cranky exclaimed. "Now, are we going to stand around all day feeling sorry for ourselves? Or are we going to go get our bananas back?" Cranky turned and continued into the jungle. The others followed. Of course, they took a different path behind Cranky's back, because who the hell wants to travel with him? "We'll get our bananas back, you'll see," Diddy said as they picked up the trail left by the Kremling carts. "Next time I meet those Kremlings, I'll hit them with a double-speed cartwheel. That will knock them off their feet!" Didn't you try that last time? Ass. "I'm afraid getting your bananas back won't solve all the problems on the island," said Rambi. Donkey: "What are you talking about? Everyone knows bananas cure smallpox, anthrax, insanity, those diseases where you can't get an erection..." "You must be talking about the Kremling factory," said Donkey Kong. "I've heard about it, but I've never seen it." "I have spies everywhere to tell me this. I could be watching you any time, Rambi, so don't do anything crazy."*smiles evilly* "Exactly," replied Rambi. "That horrible place is polluting all of our air and soil. Soon no one will be able to grow any food or even breathe on this island. Something's got to be done about that factory." DK: "I forget. What's the factory for, again?" Cranky spoke up. "In my day, we didn't go around whining about our problems. We took action!" "And I repeat what I said earlier-suicide bombings really worked!" "I've got some mini-TNT barrels with me," said Donkey Kong. "I say we go blow up that factory and get our bananas back." Oh, so now you catch on. "It won't be easy," said Rambi. "The factory is run by King K. Rool, the supreme leader of all the Kremlings. He's the biggest and meanest Kremling that ever lived. Even the other Kremlings fear him." HEIL ROOOOOOOOOOL! "It sounds like it's him or us, Donkey," said Diddy. "Otherwise, the island will get too polluted to live here any more. I say we go for it!" Donkey: "Nah, let's be cowards and move. I've always wanted to see Paris, anyway. They're interested in a TV deal..." "I'm with the youngster!" Cranky said. "Let's give those Krem-bums a good old-fashioned monkey-barrel full of trouble!" Donkey then snapped and beat Cranky to a pulp, simply because he couldn't take any more sentences with stuff about apes in every third word. "It will be a long and dangerous journey," said Rambi. "We'll have to slip past the Treetop Village. It's been taken over by Kremlings, and they're ready to ambush anyone who goes past. I'll stay with you until we reach the edge of the jungle and help you get by there. After that, you'll have to make it over the snowy mountains in order to reach the Kremlings' factory. You'll be running into enemies at every turn, and not just Kremlings. As I'm sure you know, there are plenty of other nasty creatures on the island. But if you're lucky, you may meet a friend or two along the way." DK: "Rambi, hang on. Can you say it again, only slower this time? Now I don't have to write the description on the game box myself." Diddy felt frightened. The thought of battling more Kremlings and who-knew-what-else made him wish he was back in his own comfortable tree house. He looked up at Donkey Kong, who smiled and patted him on the head. This only made him feel more frightened, I bet. "You okay, little buddy?" Donkey Kong asked. "Are you ready for this adventure?" Cliched dialogue alert #67,389. In this chapter alone. "I'm ready for anything you are!" replied Diddy. Then he thought, I can't let Donkey Kong know I'm scared. I've got to be as brave as he is! DK's thoughts: I think I pissed myself. I need pants. The group moved on through the jungle. They soon reached the abandoned Treetop Village, with its wooden platforms and huts built high in a great tree. It had once been an active jungle community, but when the Kremlings began their assault on Donkey Kong Island, the original inhabitants had left, leaving Treetop Village deserted and dangerous. Yeah, Mike. You just go making up junk left and right. Have fun. "We've got to be quiet," whispered Rambi. "Move quickly and silently, and maybe we can get past." And so, Donkey Kong Country was redesigned to be the umpteenth stealth-based game out there. Pity. Treetop Village was also filthy. Its platforms and huts were now cracked and damaged. Garbage was thrown all over the jungle floor. The Kremlings simply tossed it down from the platforms above. They must have seen that Futurama episode with the garbage ball. One by one, Rambi, Donkey Kong, Diddy, and Cranky tiptoed single file right under the village. Cranky lagged behind, moving slowly. He was moaning and complaining as he went. You know, because nothing can make him happy. At all. Even sex. "Will you just look at this mess?" he said as he stepped through the garbage, trying to keep his voice down, but not doing a good job of it. "These Kremlings are pigs!" Donkey: "Whoa, don't get ahead of yourself. No pigs till the next book/game, remember?" "Keep your voice down and hurry up, Pops," Donkey Kong whispered. Another quote that is dirty when taken out of context. I love this. "Don't tell me to hurry up, whippersnapper!" yelled Cranky. "Why, I was walking these jungles before you were even-" "-in this book! That's right, I've been walking these jungles for a full night!" Donkey Kong, Diddy, and Rambi turned toward Cranky. "Ssssshhh!" they all said at once. But it was too late. DK, Diddy, and Rambi: "Wow, that was weird.......STOP SAYING WHAT I SAY!........SUPERCALIFRAGULISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!" On the high platforms above, the Kremlings had heard Cranky shout. An alarm sounded, and Kremlings scrambled across the platforms, screaming at each other and loading their barrel cannons. Ladies and gentlemen, an unsurprising announcement: This writer is insane. Donkey Kong heard several loud booms from above. "The Kremlings are firing their barrel cannons!" shouted Rambi. Donkey Kong looked up and saw a barrel hurtling right at them! I wish this was how the book ended. Then I could go and play the game, which actually has a better plot. MST3King Chapter 3: OK, now we're actually starting to get somewhere. And a sadistic thought popped up into my mind: Rambi loves smashing into Kremlings, right? Does that mean he likes to go on merciless rampages, smashing and tearing Kremlings apart with his horn and hooves? IS HE A SADISTIC BASTARD? Nah. Just a rhino. Chapter 4 (with special guest, Sean!) Donkey Kong moved swiftly. He grabbed Cranky, (By WHAT, I wonder?) pulling him out of the way. The barrel hit the ground, just missing the two Kongs. (Poor Rambi and Diddy, meanwhile, were bludgeoned to death by the projectiles.) The Kremlings continued firing their cannons at Rambi and the Kongs from the treetop platforms. Barrels rained down around them. (Tonight's forecast calls for heavy barrel precipitation, mixed in with some parrot shit and lightning. More at 11...) Cranky ran for cover in the thick jungle growth. Rambi butted away any barrels that came near him with his big head. (Then wouldn't it be heading the barrels away with his big head?) Donkey Kong and Diddy used their best moves to avoid getting hit by the high-speed barrels. ([Donkey] "Ha ha! Foolish Kremlings! Fear the powah of my Super Fast Ki-Powered Fully-Rendered Moon! HAAAA!") Donkey Kong ran, grabbed a vine, and swung out of the way of a swiftly moving barrel. Diddy jumped high into the air, then cartwheeled away from a barrel that narrowly missed him. (What the hell?! You can't cartwheel in the middle of the air in the games! You do it the other way around and... aaargh.) "I have an idea!" shouted Rambi. "Stand back!" (And when he says that, you better listen. Rhino farts are NOT pretty, let me tell you.) The powerful rhino (You know, as opposed to the weakling rhino.) charged at the tree from which the Kremlings were firing their cannons. Rambi rammed into the base of the tree at top speed. (TOGGGG!!!) The huge tree shook from bottom to top. (It's branches swaying sexily from the impact, beckoning the rhino to become one with it... ewww!) Kremlings came flying out of Treetop Village, crashing to the jungle floor. ([Kritter] "What?! You mean we DON'T have Superman powers? Aww, damn it! This is gonna hurt in the morning...") "Let's give them a little taste of their own medicine," said Donkey Kong. (Banana Barrel Fruit Extract. The miracle drug.) "I'm right with you, Donkey," Diddy Kong replied. ([Diddy] "And I mean RIGHT, if you know what I mean..." [Donkey] "Get off me.") The two Kongs picked up the barrels that had been fired at them and furiously flung them back at the startled Kremlings. ([Kremlings] "AAAARGH! SPLINTERS! Owie owie owie owie owie!") "Here, catch!" Donkey Kong shouted as he threw a barrel with all his strength. The barrel knocked over three Kremlings at once. (Zing! 100 bonus points!) "Nice shot!" said Diddy. He lifted a barrel to his chest and heaved it, flattening a Kremling who had just gotten to his feet. (Gee, I never knew Kremlings were made of pancake batter, did you?) The remaining Kremlings fled from Treetop Village in fear, now that they were unable to do battle from the safety of their perches. "Cowards!" shouted Cranky, waving his walking stick at the retreating Kremlings. "Look at them run. Come back, you yellow-bellied lizards! I'll fight you one at a time!" (Only one at a time? Pfft, you suck more than I realized, Cranky.) "Calm down, Pops," said Donkey Kong. ([Donkey] "Calm down, or it's time for the medication again...") "Don't tell me to calm down!" snapped back Cranky. "I know how to deal with cowards. Why, when I was your age, I once fought five crocodiles single-handedly. I remember it was a day something like this. I had-" ([Cranky] "A twelve-caliber rifle and a mouth full o' tobaccie...") "Pops!" Donkey Kong interrupted, rolling his eyes. "It's time to get going." (Is it just me, or is that the first smart thing DK's said in this entire book?) The group moved on and soon came to the edge of the jungle. (Nasty things, those straight edges with nothing below them...) Ahead of them stood a chain of tall snow-capped mountains. (*singing* Christmas in Julyyyy...) "This is as far as I go," Rambi said. "You'll have to make it over those mountains in order to get to the Kremlings' factory. Be careful and good luck." ([Rambi] "I've got a hot-ass rhino chick with a vagina the size of Monkey Mines back home waiting for me!") "Thanks for all your help, Rambi," said Donkey Kong. ([Donkey] "I mean, it's not like we could've stopped being such pussies and taken care of the Kremlings super easy like in the games...") Rambi turned and galloped back into the jungle. (Donkey watched him go, his buttocks bouncing up and down with every step--*SLAP!*) The three Kongs were once again on their own. (*insert theme from "Stand By Me" in here*) The Kongs let the jungle and began their climb up the mountains. The higher they climbed, the colder it got. (Just in case you've never studied geography and don't know that.) The ground grew slick with ice and snow. The traveling became more difficult, and Cranky complained more and more. "Blasted baboon bottoms!" whined Cranky. (You think he's not telling us something?) "This is a fine thing for an old monkey to be doing, slipping and sliding up the side of a treacherous mountain! This is about as bad as it can get!" (Hey, dickwad, you were the one who decided to tag along on this venture, so shut the hell up and take it like an ape. Bitch.) Without warning, a terrible blizzard struck. ([Blizzard] STRIKE!) Driving wind and blinding snow whipped the Kongs (*WHIPCRACK!*) as they struggled to continue their climb. "So I was wrong," Cranky yelled. "It got worse!" ([muted trumpet] Bwa bwa bwaaaaaa!) "What are we going to do?" asked Diddy, no longer able to hide the fear in his voice. ([Diddy] "I'm going to die a virgin! AAAAAH!") "I don't know," replied Donkey Kong. "I can't see two inches in front of my face!" ([Donkey] "But THREE inches, well, that's another matter entirely...") Suddenly a familiar voice called out from above. "Donkey Kong!" It was Donkey Kong's friend, Expresso the Ostrich. (Oh joy, the worst Animal Buddy EVER has come to save the day. You know, besides Parry.) "Expresso!" Donkey Kong yelled, trying to be heard over the wind. ([Donkey] "SHUT UUUUUUUPPP!!! Thank you.") "What are you doing up here?" ([Expresso] "Oh, you know, just decided to use my useless wings and fly stupidly into a blizzard...") "I was camping in the mountains," replied Expresso. (...) "You guys look like you could use a hand. ([Expresso] "Too bad I don't got any. Sorry!") Actually, a foot. Well, really, two feet-wearing my sure-grip sneakers. (Ha. Ha. Ha. Never before has the literary world gifted us with such rich humour.) Hang on. I'll drop down a rope." ([Donkey] "That's great, Expresso, but what we really need is a rope up THERE...") Expresso lowered a long rope down the side of the mountain. (For a guy with no hands, he's rather resourceful.) Donkey Kong, Cranky, and Diddy all grabbed the rope, holding on for dear life. ([All] "If we don't come out of this alive, tell our significant others we love them!" [Reader] "Sorry, what was that? I was watching paint dry...") "Hang on!" shouted Expresso. His sure-grip sneakers gave him the traction the bare-footed monkeys didn't have. (INTENSE TRACTION ACTION!!) The ostrich's powerful legs helped him pull the three Kongs up the mountain until they touched the ledge on which Expresso was standing. ([Diddy] "Sweet beautiful ground! Mwa! Mwa! Eww... is snow supposed to be yellow?") In front of them, in the side of the mountain, was the entrance to an ice cave. "Let's duck into the cave," said Expresso. "It will get us out of the storm." (BRILLIANT plan, Einstien, did you think of that all by yourself?) As they settled down for a rest, the Kongs thanked Expresso for saving them. ([Cranky] "I commit to you the rule of a small nation." [Diddy] "I want you to mother my children." [Donkey] "I want you to father my children." [Expresso] ....) "What are you jungle folks doing up here in the mountains?" asked Expresso. ([Donkey] "Oh, you know, just decided to use our nonexistant wings in a blizzard..." [Expresso] "Har har.") Donkey Kong explained about their mission to destroy the factory and recover their bananas. ([Donkey] "Materialism and corporate espionage are ALWAYS in fashion!") "Did you hear something?" asked Diddy a few minutes later. (*Insert Psycho theme here*) "Yes," said Expresso. "It sounded like wings flapping. And I know it wasn't my wings." ([Expresso] "Or maybe it was. I wouldn't know, I'm an idiot.") The flapping noise came again. Suddenly Necky and Mini-Necky, two evil vultures who lived in the ice caves, appeared. They began to take coconuts from their backpacks and throw them at Expresso and the Kongs! (.....) Sean's Final Thoughts of Chapter 4: This book has enough backpacks to make E.Gadd green with jealousy. Chapter 5 "Ouch! Oooch!" Cranky cried as coconuts bonked him on the head. Hmm, sounds like a possible plot for Coconut Crackers... "Get out of our cave!" squawked Necky as he flung another coconut at Donkey Kong. "No jungle-dwellers are allowed in here!" Actually, you should have your brain checked and remember that you live in a fucking FOREST. Donkey Kong reacted quickly. Dodging the flying coconut, he opened his backpack and pulled out two of the miniature barrel cannons that he had packed at the beginning of the trip. MAKE THE MADNESS STOP! FOR GOD'S SAKE, PLEASE!!! "Here you go, Diddy," he called, tossing one of the cannons to his litle pal. "It's time to play catch with these overgrown turkeys!" And so, the Kongs and the vultures sat down and heartily tossed a baseball around. Mini-Necky flung a coconut at Donkey Kong, who caught it in his barrel cannon. Donkey Kong fired the cannon, shooting the coconut right back at the vulture. RIGHT BACK AT YA! *bumbumbumbum* YEAAAH! "Awwwk!" squealed the bird when the coconut struck him on the wing. You know, as opposed to, "I like that feeling! Hit me again!" "I get the idea," said Diddy. He, too, began catching coconuts in his miniature barrel cannon and firing them back at the vultures. There's nothing that can be made fun of here, so I'm going to say my favorite quote ever: MY ANUS IS BLEEDING! "Let's go!" squawked Necky, who was not used to having his coconuts fired back at him. The vultures flew out of the cave. "I just remembered this isn't actually where we live." "Well, we took care of those guys," said Diddy Kong. "We sure did," said Donkey Kong, smiling. Stop congratulating yourself. They were two measly drones. "If you can stop congratulating yourselves for a second," said Cranky, "maybe you can tell me how we're going to get over these mountains to the Kremlings' factory." Donkey: "We FLY, of course! AWAY!" *whoooosh* Before they could answer, Expresso said, "Actually, you don't have to go over the mountains. You can go through them by using these caves and the abandoned mines." He pointed the Kongs in the right direction. Holy shit. He actually said something intelligent. "Thanks for the rescue, Expresso," said Donkey Kong. "Just do us a favor, and never talk again." The ostrich nodded and then left the cave, heading back to his campsite. The Kongs proceeded deeper into the cave, walking along narrow, twisting passageways. They then put themselves in balls and rolled around collecting bananas...If you think about it, it is similar. They soon came to a steep, slippery slope. The three monkeys stood at the edge of the slope, peering down into the darkness below. Cranky fell down and died. Donkey peered about to make sure no one was looking, and pushed Diddy as well. "How in the vine-swinging jungle are we supposed to get down there?" Cranky asked. "Not that I even want to go down there in the first place." Christ. Why exactly did you tag along, again? "we have no choice," explained Donkey Kong. "We can't turn back, and this is the only way forward." Just go up the freakin' mountain! So what if you lose a few limbs from frostbite? "Hey, Donkey!" Diddy called. "Look what I found!" "It's Leslie Nielsen! My god, this island must be where they maroon unpopular celebrities!" Next to a wall at the top of the slope stood a stack of old tires. "I bet we could ride down on these," said Diddy. Are you suggesting some sort of.....XTREEEEEEME sport? "I think you've got something there," Donkey Kong responded. "I'll tell you what you've got," cried Cranky. "An idea that's about as bright as a burnt-out light bulb!" Diddy: "Can we kill him now?" Donkey: "Not yet. Let's let him suffer a little more." "Come on, Pops," said Donkey Kong. "It won't be so bad. Grab a tire, hop on, and hold tight!" You sound like you're advertising something. Jesus. The Kongs each took a tire from the plie. They sat on the tires on the top of the slope and launched off. And EXPLODED!....Wait, I forgot they're not on a shuttle. "Here we go!" shouted Donkey Kong. "Last one down is a Kremling!" yelled Diddy. "Blasted baboon bottoms!" Cranky shouted. "I'm too old for thiiiiis!" This coming from a braggart. Showoff. The Kongs flew down the slop on their tires at top speed. At the bottom, they came skidding to a halt right in front of the entrance to the abandoned mines Expresso had told them to look for. Diddy: "Wow. That was convenient." "What new horror do we have to go through now?" Cranky moaned as he shakily got off his tire. Hmmm....A nine-hour marathon of all this summer's blockbuster movies. Aside from Finding Nemo. The old mine tunnels were dark and damp. Donkey Kong led the way, feeling along the walls to guide himself. "Diddy, you hold my hand," he said. "Pops, you hang onto Diddy's tail so we stay together." Diddy: ".....Cranky, that's NOT my tail." "Great," grumbled Cranky. "Walking through the dark on slippery rocks holding a monkey's tail. Sounds like fun to me!" "I'd rather play Kick the Can or Tiddlywinks or Checkers...." As the Kongs made their way through the tunnels, Donkey Kong spotted a light up ahead. Little did he realize it was THE SUN CRASHING INTO THE EARTH!!!11 "What's that?" asked Diddy. "I'm not sure," replied Donkey Kong as the light came toward them. Maybe Tinkerbell? Or the hintball from Sonic Adventure? Or a freakin' LIGHT? Squaaawwk! came a sound from the direction of the light. A few seconds later, a bright green parrot appeared, carrying a high-powered flashlight. "You folks look like you could use some light," he said. "I'm Squawks. I live in the darkest level of this old mine." Why not the lightest. Insane, this book is. Donkey Kong introduced his group and described their mission. "You're in luck," said Squawks. "I know a shortcut through the mines that will lead you straight to the Kremling factory. Follow me!" And so, the Kongs put their faith in a bird who craps a lot and lives in a fucking mine. Squawks led the way with his flashlight, and the Kongs followed close behind. But as they came around a sharp bend, Squawks's light revealed Slippa and Army, two of Donkey Kong's cave-dwelling enemies. About time they put an enemy in the right location, if you ask me. "Thessse minesss are oursss," hissed Slippa. Then he slithered forward to attack Diddy. Donkey: "No, brotha Slippa! It's for tha PEOPLE!" Final Thoughts of Chapter 5: I need to listen better in school. I had no idea vultures lived in cold climates. Chapter 6 Diddy Kong reacted quickly, jumping into the air and landing on Slippa with his famous double-jump. The evil snake scurried back into the darkness. Wow, where do I start? One, you only need to jump on a Slippa once to...Jesus, a three-year-old could figure out what's wrong. Next part. Meanwhile, Donkey Kong pulled a barrel from his pack and heaved it at Army. The evil armadillo curled up into a ball to protect himself from the attack, but the force of the barrel knocked him far down the tunnel. You suck, Michael Teitelbaum. See above. "Come on," said Squawks. "The shortcut is not far from here." The group soon came to a set of tracks. On the tracks sat an old mining cart. OK, give me ten minutes to guess what comes next.....Oh! Squawks gets superhuman strength and carries the Kongs!....No, of course not. That's DKC2. "The back entrance to the factory is at the other end of these tracks," Squawks explained. "Years ago, before the Kremlings took over the factory, the miners loaded their ore into these carts and rolled them back to the factory for processing. I think all three of you should fit into the cart. It may be a rough ride, but it will lead you right to the back door of the factory." "....And if you do run into a problem, toss Cranky overboard. In fact, I recommend it." Cranky: "What was the last part?" Squawks: "Nothing. Shut up, crazy gorilla." Donkey Kong and Diddy climbed into the rickety old cart. Cranky stood next to it with his arms folded in disgust. "You don't actually expect me to get into that thing, do you?" he asked. "I've had more than enough wild rides for one day!" "We don't mind. You can stay here. Have a nice life." Donkey and Diddy wheeled away and Squawks flew off, leaving Cranky alone and sobbing in the dark to die! "Come on, Pops," said Donkey Kong. "We've come this far." "I'm going to regret this," groaned Cranky as he climbed in next to the others. Cranky: "....And that's your excuse for everything so far, you know." "Thanks for all your help, Squawks," said Donkey Kong. "Yeah, for helping us get killed," grumbled Cranky. Squawks held up a knife. "I can do that right here if you want.... Squawks flew off wishing them luck, Donkey Kong released the brake, and the cart rolled forward. "Whoooaaa!" the Kongs shouted as the old cart sped up and bounced along the rickety old tracks. They plunged down steep drops and swung around sharp bends as if they were on an out-of-control roller coaster. Oh, thanks. You reminded me of a long-time fear. *shudder*Rollercoasters.... Soon the cart left the mine and came crashing to a halt. The Kongs were thrown from the cart and landed in a heap at the back of the Kremling factory. MST3King: No, Doctah Jones! Left tunnel! Left! Part 2 | ||
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