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 Chapter 7 "Is everyone all right?" asked Donkey Kong. "Never been better!" moaned Cranky. "Of course, I may never walk again, but-" Donkey: "Really? OK, you're useless now. C'mon, Diddy-" Cranky: "Shut up." "I'm okay," said Diddy. "And I'm ready to get those Kremlings!: Donkey Kong examined the back door to the factory. It had not been used in so many years that the locks and hinges were rusty and broken. He gripped the door and yanked with all his might. The door came off at the hinges. Quietly, the Kongs slipped inside. The factory was a dark, foul-smelling place. The sound of machinery filled the air, and the smell of fumes made the three monkeys cough. Sounds like they've entered Nintendo's slave-filled factories. "This is the junk they're putting into our air," said Donkey Kong. "Okay, here's the plan. I brought enough TNT barrels to bring this whole place down. I'll give you each some, and we'll sneak around the factory, planting the barrels every few feet. Then we'll meet back here." Hippie: "This is not YOUR air! It's everyone's air!" Cranky: "You shut up, too." Diddy agreed with the plan, and even Cranky went along without a fuss. The three were soon placing the barrels all around the factory. When Donkey Kong was almost finished, he heard two voices coming from behind a large machine. He crouched down in a corner and listened. "I'm in my calm space, I'm in my calm space, I'm in my calm space..." "Where's King K. Rool?" asked a giant bee with big white eyes. "He's supposed to be at the factory today, Klap Trap." Wait. Since when do Zingers say anything but "Hhhhmhmmmzzzhzmmz" and "HMmMMMZzzt!...." "Well, he's not here, Zinger," replied a small Kremling with a long mouth and huge teeth. "He's the boss, so he can do what he likes." "Just because this factory is his and he thought up the banana-stealing scheme doesn't mean he can ignore us," complained Zinger. ............ "He's brought the bananas to his headquarters on the Gangplank Galleon, the Kremling ship," Klap Trap said. "He's at sea. We can't reach him even if we-" Klap Trap stopped short and turned in Donkey Kong's direction. "There's someone there!" he shouted. "-and I just said all that convenient info! Shit!" Donkey Kong stood up to run, but Zinger buzzed him, missing his head by only inches. Klap Trap raced right at Donkey Kong, mouth open wide. From out of nowhere came Diddy, cartwheeling at double speed. He spun right into Klap Trap, knocking him across the factory floor. Donkey Kong turned and slammed Zinger with his powerful hand-slap attack, stunning the giant bee. How convenient. Wheeee, next sentence. "Thanks for the save, Diddy," said Donkey Kong. "I was on my way back to meet you when I heard those guys talking," explained Diddy. "I saw them attack, so I came right over." "Are all your TNT barrels planted?" Donkey Kong asked. "Yes. Are yours?" "All set," replied Donkey Kong. "Now we just have to find Pops." "I'm here, I'm here," said Cranky, walking up beside them. "What was all that commotion I heard?" Donkey: "Nothing happened, Pops." Cranky: "But I heard-" Donkey: "NOTHING." "I'll explain it later," Donkey Kong answered. "Come on. Let's get out of here." The Kongs rushed for the back door. When they were a safe distance from the factory, Donkey Kong detonated the TNT barrels by remote control. The terrible factory exploded in a huge ball of flame. HURRAH FOR SENSELESS VIOLENCE! "Yippee!" shouted Diddy. "We got the factory!" "Don't celebrate yet," Donkey Kong said. He told them about the conversation between Klap Trap and Zinger. "We've still got to rescue our stolen bananas and find King K. Rool." I saw a poster of Garfield looking stupid with the heading, "Well, DUH!" It would fit as well as Captain Obvious from before here. "So what do we do now?" asked Diddy. "We head to the ocean and see if we can track down the ship!" replied Donkey Kong. "Great monkey madness!" cried Cranky. "I hate the ocean! Too much darned water, if you ask me." Donkey Kong shook his head, and the Kongs headed out to sea. MST3King Chapter 7: Okay. Who thinks they really underused the factory? I don't know if they were intentionally saving it for the DKL book, but this chapter feels like it could have taken place anywhere. Chapter 8 The following morning, Donkey Kong, Diddy, and Cranky stood at the shoreline, gazing out at the wide sea. Crystal blue waves gently rolled in and broke on the soft white sand. Celine Dion started singing. Donkey promptly shot her, and all was well. "Now that we're here," began Cranky, "did you stop to think that we don't have a boat?" Before Donkey Kong could answer, a large blue swordfish broke the water's surfaec. His swordlike beak shimmered in the morning sun as he hung in the air for a second and then splashed back into the waves. "It's my friend Enguarde," exclaimed Donkey Kong. Cranky: "How do you know a SWORDFISH?" Donkey: "Funny story. I hooked him once and before you knew it..." Again Enguarde jumped out of the water. "Dive in!" he called. "Don't worry, just dive in!" Then he fell back into the sea. "I trust Enguarde," Donkey Kong told the others. "I'm sure it's safe. Come on, let's dive in." "Oh, great!" Cranky moaned. "After all this, now I have to get wet!" The Kongs dived in, where Enguarde was waiting to spear them to death with his family. The last words they heard were, "You guys are WAY too gullible." The Kongs waded out from the shore, then dove underwater. Enguarde was waiting, and he gave each Kong a special underwater breathing barrel. The Kongs slipped the barrels around their necks and found that they could breathe and speak underwater. .............ARGH. Donkey Kong hopped on Enguarde's back and began to tell him about their mission. "I know all about it," said Enguarde. "Word of your adventures has spread all over the island. Even underwater. That's why I've been hanging around the shoreline. I figured you'd show up sometime looking for the Kremling ship." Donkey: "Geez. Who spreads info so fast?" Enguarder: "Huh, never thought about that. Could be parrots...or moles...or moogles..." "Grab onto my tail," Enguarde told Diddy and Cranky. "I'll pull you along as we go. I know where we can find that ship!" When the Kongs were ready, Enguarde swam swiftly through the ocean, pulling them along. Sdudenly they were attacked by a gang of underwater enemies. RANDOM ENCOUNTER! OK, that's it, I need to take a break from Final Fantasy... Chomps the Shark swam right at Diddy Kong. Enguarde rammed into him with his powerful beak. "Take that, you overgrown guppy," shouted Enguarde as Chomps went spinning out of control. Bad joke #7,451..... Squidge the Jellyfish tried to sting Donkey Kong, who used a double hand-slap attack on either side of Squidge's head to stun the jellyfish. "That ringing in your head in your head is not a phone call!" he teased. Sigh. #7,452.... Clambo the Clam spat pearls at Cranky Kong, but the old monkey remained unrattled. He used his walking stick like a baseball bat, hitting the pearls back at Clambo. "Batter up!" yelled Cranky. "I wasn't the all-star hitter for the Kong Kardinals, you know!" Chalk up "Kong Kardinals: Road to the World Cup" on my Big Ol' List of Games I'd Rather Have Instead of Donkey Konga. Croctopus the Octopus managed to grab Diddy Kong and Donkey Kong, but once again Enguarde and his sword were ready. "Get the point, Croctopus?" said Enguarde as he jabbed. Croctopus fled with the others. #7,453.... The Kongs regrouped with Enguarde, and they proceeded on the last leg of their undersea journey. They eventually surfaced and saw the Gangplank Galleon a short distance away. The large wooden ship bobbed on the waves. Up on the mast, a flag bearing a portrait of the Kremling leader, King K. Rool, flapped in the still ocean breeze. The DKU nitpicker in me is having a personal debate over whether or not it should be the Kremling skull and crossbones yet....What the hell, I'll say yes. "That's the ship," Donkey Kong exclaimed. "That's where our bananas are!" The Kongs thanked Enguarde for his help and then swam the remaining distance. The final battle was about to begin. Bum-bum-BUUUUUUUUUUM! *Tinny carnival music in the background* The Kongs grabbed onto a rope that hung over the ship's side. They pulled themselves from the water and used their natural climbing abilities to shimmy up the rope. Peering over the railing of the ship, they were shocked by what they saw. Diddy: "Kevin Costner? Micheal Keaton? Donkey, this is the hideout of those washed-up celebrities!" The old ship was teeming with activity. Kremlings scurried everywhere, carrying barrels full of stolen food. As they worked, they argued among themselves, fighting over whose turn it was to carry the barrels, whose turn it was to drop anchor, and whose turn it was to clean the ship-though from the look of things, it appeared that it was never anybody's turn to clean. The stolen bananas sat in a huge pile in the center. *Kremling slips and falls* Another Kremling: "Haha! You fell in the gull crap again!" The noisy, crowded ship suddenly gre silent. Five of the Kremling leaders strode onto the main deck....But since we know all the drones, I'll just summarize this paragraph. The five are K. Rool, the Klump who led the raid and tossed Diddy into the barrel, a Rock Kroc, a Kritter who was extra-nasty, and a Krusha. Whoo. The Kongs watched the scene over the railing. "That's the guy who had me put in the barrel," whispered Diddy, pointing at Klump. "It's that King K. Rool I'd like to get a hold of," said Donkey Kong. "He's the top Kremling. Cranky: "It's your mother I'd like to get a hold of. But no, the author's having me come on all your adventures. Hey, Michael Teitelbaum! Can you show THIS gesture in a kids' book?!" K. Rool addressed the crowd of Kremlings. "My fellow Kremlings," he said. "I have just recieved some disturbing news. Our beloved factory has been destroyed by those meddlesome monkeys, the Kongs." A shocked murmur passed through the crowded ship. K. Rool: "No need to worry. Let's give them the bananas and go for something else: The Crystal Coconut! Rock Kroc, cut my cape short, get me medicine for my eye and find me a lousy voice actor." "Silence!" bellowed King K. Rool. "This action will not go unpunished. Therefore, we will leave at once for a full-scale attack on the Kongs' jungle home. This will be no banana raid. We will put an end to those mischief makers once and for all, and we will put the Kremlings in total command of Donkey Kong Island!" A cheer went up. Donkey Kong knew they had to strike now or risk a battle that could destroy their home. "Don't count your bananas before they're peeled, Kremlings!" shouted Donkey Kong as he, Diddy and Cranky leapt over the ship's railing and began to fling barrels. K. Rool: "CRAP! They've got horrible puns!" The attack caught the Kremlings by surprise. Donkey Kong went into a barrel roll, tumbling along the deck like a giant hairy ball. He smashed into a group of Kremlings, scattering the startled lizards like bowling pins. "AGH! We're being attacked by a giant hairy testicle!" Diddy vaulted high into the air and landed with a double jump on Rock Kroc's head, the Kremling crumpled to the ground. What? THAT'S ALL HE'S GOOD FOR?! "Try that with me, little monkey," shouted Klump, stepping up next to Diddy. He smiled as he adjusted his helmet, which proected him from attacks from above. "I don't have to," replied Diddy, "when I can do this. "Judoooooo kick!" "Oooooooooh! Right in the mahmmy-dahddy button!" Diddy spun into a cartwheel, catching Klump in the chest with both his feet. Klump flew right over the ship's railing into the ocean. "That's for stuffing me into a barrel!" shouted Diddy. Meanwhile, Donkey Kong, having bowled over most of the crew with his barrel rolls, turned his attention to the commanders. He pulled out his supply of mini-barrels and began flinging them at Kritter. Dammit, why don't we get mini-barrels in the games? Kritter made his way through the storm of barrels like an explorer fighting snow at the North Pole. "Your tiny barrels don't hurt me!" he mocked. Now he stood face to face with Donkey Kong. "They don't?" said Donkey Kong. "Well, how about a hand-slap attack?" Donkey: "BANANAAAAAAAA SL-" Kritter: "Shut up. I'm a bad guy, and even I hate that." Donkey Kong slammed the deck in front of Kritter with the palm of his powerful hand. The ancient wood shattered from the force of the blow, opening a huge hole right under Kritter's feet. Kritter plunged down, crashing through deck after deck. He didn't stop falling until he had reached the lowest deck of the ship. This summer....Donkey Kong is.....THE LAST ACTION PRIMAAAATE! While Donkey Kong and Diddy disposed of the Kremlings, Cranky got busy loading the stolen bananas into large empty barrels. Donkey turned around and found himself face to face with Krusha, the strongest commander. "Why don't you try you puny barrels on me, monkey?" laughed Krusha. "How about if I throw my big feet at you instead?" replied Donkey Kong, as he jumped right at Krusha feet-first. Donkey Kong landed on the Kremling with a tremendous blow, but Krusha just shrugged it off. "Was that a monkey or just an insect?" mocked the Kremling. Diddy attacked from the side, cartwheeling into Krusha. The young monkey bounced off and landed on the deck. "An even smaller insect this time," said Krusha. "Let me show you real strength." Krusha lashed out, striking Donkey Kong with one arm and Diddy with the other. Both Kongs went flying to opposite sides of the ship. As Krusha stood in the middle of the ship laughing, Donkey Kong and Diddy realized what they had to do. They had to work together to stop this most powerful Kremling. "Diddy! He's way too powerful! We have to fuse and discover the next level of Super Simian! Now let's waste three episodes just to argue about it!" The two Kongs found coiled ropes on opposite sides of the ship. They flung the ropes over the mast, made sure they were tight, and on the count of three, swung from opposite sides of the ship toward the middle. They met right where Krusha stood, swinging into the Kremling from two sides at once. The combination of both Kongs hitting Krusha at once was too much even for him. He fell to the floor, stunned. "Way to go, little buddy," Donkey Kong said. "We make a good team," replied Diddy. THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND TEAMWORK OVERCOMES ALL!!!111 Donkey Kong realized that he hadn't seen King K. Rool since the battle started, and as he and Diddy watched, he realized it was too late. Seeing that defeat was at hand, K. Rool had slipped away in his speedboat. The Kongs watched as he sped away, waving his fist in the air and screaming back at them. "This isn't over, monkeys! I will be back to destroy you!" Meanwhile, the remaining Kremlings abandoned ship rather than face the Kongs without their leaders. "Next time, Kong. Next tiiiiime!" Donkey Kong and Diddy soon found that during the battle Cranky Kong had been hard at work. Not only had he loaded all the bananas into barrels, he had lashed them together to form a giant raft. "Nice work, Pops!" said Donkey Kong. "This old monkey still has a trick or two up his sleeve," replied Cranky. "Besides, I wasn't about to just sit around and let you two have all the fun!" Donkey knew that making a raft was a hell of a lot less fun than Kremling slaughtering, but he decided not to say it. The Kongs tossed the barrel raft over the edge, and jumped off the ship onto the raft. They paddled the raft to shore, where they loaded the bananas into the abandoned Kremling carts. When the bananas were ready, the Kongs began the long journey home. "You know," Cranky said to Donkey Kong, "for a young whippersnapper, you did a good job on this little adventure." A warm smile broke out on Donkey Kong's face. "Thanks, Pops!" he said. "Yeah, well, don't go all mushy on me now," said Cranky. "Too late," Diddy mumbled under his breath. "What?" asked DK. "I said, 'blind date'," said Diddy. Donkey Kong turned to Diddy. "You did a great job too, little buddy," he said. "You can go with me on an adventure anytime! But you know, the Kremlings will be back." "Well, we'll be ready to give 'em a good thrashing," said Cranky, waving his stick in the air. "That's right," replied Diddy. "We're the toughest team on the island!" MST3King Chapter 8: Yeesh. That was schmaltzy. At least the last fight was decent. A painstaking reproduction by Behonkiss. | ||
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