Dixie Kong's Biography

Dixie Kong
This picture makes her rump look big.
Species: Monkey

Monica Lewinsky? No. Don't let the beret fool you. Besides, Dixie doesn't blow. Heh heh. Anyway, Dixie Kong is the monkey with the blond pony tail that's good for whacking and wafting. Her boyfriend is Diddy Kong, and her (adopted) cousin is Kiddy Kong. If you're one of them ape experts, you may be saying, "If Dixie is a monkey, where the kabooze is her tail?" WELL, I'M GLAD YOU ASKED. Dixie's tail is tucked underneath her shirt, because it gets in the way of her hair. Happy?!? Anyway, here is an explanation of the adventures of Dixie Kong.

Dixie became Diddy Kong's girlfriend some time in 1995 or so (when we're first introduced to her) and, sure enough, when K. Rool kidnapped Donkey Kong, the Dixie-Diddy ACTION COUPLE immediately took off to his rescue, infiltrating the Kremling homeland of Crocodile Isle. And they succeeded! In fact, they (not entirely deliberately) blew up the island completely by whacking K. Rool flying into the mystical portal beam of the Kremlings' Lost World (the place that had given, and sustained, Kremling life); K. Rool's huge mass clogged it up, causing a catastrophic chain reaction that destroyed the island (Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest).

Dixie Kong

Fortunately, the strategic positioning of her leg means that this picture won't get you arrested.

K. Rool survived and, months later, came back, only to kidnap DK once more. Baffled by K. Rool's utter predictability. Dixie nonetheless set off with Diddy to rescue him once more. The two monkeys beat him (of course), Crocodile Isle sank for good, and K. Rool was presumed dead (Donkey Kong Land 2).

After all that, Donkey and Diddy decided to go on a vacation to the Northern Kremisphere (a section of land connected to the rear of DK Island). Funky Kong had just opened up his new boat-rental shop there, Funky's Rentals, which they'd decided to try out. And shortly after that, apparently, they disappeared.

Dixie Kong

Dixie displaying a wide variety of emotions, ranging from "smug" to "moderately self-assured".

Dixie was worried about her boyfriend and big buddy, from whom she'd heard nothing in days. She decided to head out in search of them; she arrived at the Northern Kremisphere to be immediately greeted by her obese toddler cousin, Kiddy, who'd been hanging around at Funky's. A fortunate encounter, as it turned out, as Kiddy managed to be a helpful ally in her search-and-rescue mission.

They met an army of Kremlings, brown bears, banana birds, new animal pals and, eventually, the Kremlings' new robotic leader, KAOS. Actually, they had two run-ins with the jittery robot; the first time on the industrialized island of Mekanos, and the second in his stronghold, Kastle KAOS, where they beat him rather easily.

They were then greeted by K. Rool, who'd seemingly been manipulating KAOS behind the scenes to retain some power in the Kremling armies. Who knew!? After the obligatory tussle that ensued, K. Rool was defeated, but not gone. They then discovered that Donkey and Diddy were being used as KAOS' "brains" all along, as both primates were rescued from KAOS' wreckage.

Dixie Kong

Because fat children are funny. I know, I Googled it.

The adventure wasn't over, though. The pair's explorations of Krematoa—a dormant volcano and lost land they were able to explore with the help of Boomer Bear—lead them once more to K. Rool, who was hiding in his super-secret submarine, the Knautilus. After another long battle, the defeated K. Rool took off in a stolen-from-Funky hovercraft. No problem! Dixie and Kiddy proceeded to release the formerly imprisoned (by K. Rool) Queen Banana Bird, who immediately set about capturing K. Rool in a giant egg. It wasn't the chain of events Dixie was particularly expecting, but she felt that things had nonetheless gone essentially according to plan (Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!).

Dixie's next adventure saw her once again teamed up with Kiddy Kong. A radio station on Donkey Kong Island announced a contest to find the "Lost World of Donkey Kong Island". BIG PRIZES would be awarded to the first one to find it. It caught Donkey and Diddy's attention; they immediately set out to discover it, leaving Dixie by herself. Furious, Dixie went out with Kiddy to find the Lost World first, because FUCK those guys. In fact, she actually did so, defeating an army of Kremlings, KAOS (with a new Kremling brain), and K. Rool (who had apparently managed to escape the Queen Banana Bird's clutches) in the process. It was a humbling experience for Donkey and Diddy Kong, and a victory for the "B team" of Dixie and Kiddy (Donkey Kong Land III).

What's next for Dixie Kong? We don't know. However, it's a safe bet we'll see her again someday. You can't keep this monkey down!

Dixie Kong
That face is a result of beatings she recieved after throwing away her Rare pin.

21st Century Update: The next few years of Dixie's life tumbled by clumsily, like an expertly-dispatched stream of vomit*. She completely missed out on K. Rool's botched attempts to destroy DK Island in late '99; her younger sister Tiny Kong was in on all of that K. Rool-bashing action while she just sat at home slurping milkshake (Donkey Kong 64). The cheek!

Still, after K. Rool's comeuppance that followed, life became predictably serene and uneventful. At some point DK and Diddy toured the island with their bongo-bongo wackiness, and Dixie joined them as it was literally the only interesting thing she could think of doing with her time (Donkey Konga 2). Not long after that, she followed the DK duo through the Mushroom Dimension's cross-dimensional warp pipe to see if she felt like involving herself in any of those sanity-draining Mushroomian sports events she'd heard so much about. She WHACKED SOME SERIOUS BALLS. She also played a little baseball (Mario Superstar Baseball). Later, she'd return for a basketball bouncearound (Mario Hoops 3-on-3) and, er, more baseball (Mario Super Sluggers). Hey, it's better than sitting around watching re-runs of Blake's 7 all day. Actually, no, it probably isn't better than that.

Dixie was present at the DK Island Jungle Jam Festival Tournament Shindig Celebratory Celebration Thing in 2005, when K. Rool re-emerged as a petty pog medal thief. And while she didn't care enough to help out DK and Diddy (who immediately proceeded to chase down the crocodilian crook), she was content to join in the merriment when, inevitably, K. Rool was pelted and routed (DK: King of Swing).

Dixie Kong

"HI! I, er, broke your car..."

A couple of years on, at about the same time as her sister Tiny had grown to an impressively ironic height (whereas Dixie prided herself in remaining just as YOUNG-FACED as she was about ten years ago), Wizpig the intergalactic pig-genie came crashing down to earth where he proceeded to behave like a total dick to everyone he came across. Dixie joined Diddy and her wacky sister as they made the trip to Timber's Island, where Wizpig had landed, to rid the planet of its porcine pest. And sure enough, Wizpig's racing obsession became his downfall, as Dixie and pals were able to humiliate him repeatedly and, eventually, send his malfunctioning rocket careering away into the uncharted cosmos (Diddy Kong Racing DS).

A happy vacation (from what?) to Sun Sun Island (or, "the island with the exceptionally well-thought-out name" as most people like to call it) followed, but was made problematic when K. Rool arrived on the scene and, to cut a short story shorter, decided it was high time he took over the entire universe. With "Crystal Bananas". It all made perfect sense at the time.

Well, anyway, DK and Diddy went clingy-swinging away in pursuit of the Kremling king because it seemed like the sort of thing they ought to be doing. Dixie didn't feel anything like the same sense of obligation, but nonetheless gave DK duo a hand during some of the trickier points of their adventure (which, incidentally, ended up in outer space) (DK: Jungle Climber).

Dixie Kong

Balancing on her fingertips, Dixie can hold this position for up to five days.

It's probably worth mentioning that K. Rool did not, as it happened, succeed in taking over the entire universe. And, in actual fact, he joined Dixie and the other Kongs mere weeks later when they assembled for a really wild time at Funky's own-brand barrel-blasting jet race tournament. Dixie was one of the forerunners (or forejetters, I dunno), able to adapt her bongo-bongo skills to the bongo-powered jetpacks that everyone was so perplexingly excited about (Donkey Kong Barrel Blast). Fun times!

Recent years have seen Dixie increasingly sidelined in favour of those larger-in-ego males of the Kong clan. But let no one be in any doubt that this girl can do the business with just as much energetic enthusiasm as that with which she consumes copious cartons of DELICIOUS MILKSHAKE. And she don't need no pussy-ass jetpacks, either.

*I pride myself in the quality of my synonyms, in the same way that I pride myself in the wank stains on my walls.