Hey, hey, it's Mario Kart 7, the hotter-than-the-boiled-face-of-Dennis-Taylor racing title on 3DS, featuring the succulent talents of Retro Studios' Donkey Kong Country Returns team! Holy ass-drizzlin' moly!

Sure enough, the ninth Mario Kart title (that's this one, by the way) does more-or-less what you'd expect it to do in these dark times of uncertainty and high-risk: virtually nothing. But that's fine, it says "Mario Kart" on the box, and Johnny Fat Legs is going to be crushed with disappointment and hatred, should he discover that its contents are anything other than exactly the same game as all the others.

Fortunately for ol' Johnny, they are.

So strap on, sit back and ram your fingers down as hard as possible; enjoy the ride if you can. Or alternatively, you could play Mario Kart 7.

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