MARIO

If you don't recognize that very angry looking Italian to the right, that's Mario. He appears to be pissed off at the prodigal Princess Peach for having yet another castle constructed for the sole purpose of Kart Racing. It's no surprise that the titular character takes up his trusty kart once again, but it's slightly surprising that he hasn't driven himself off a cliff after getting blue shell'd so many times in the past.

LUIGI

As President of Nintendo of America Reggie Fils-Amie recently put it, Luigi is the "first brother of gaming", and so it's to be expected that he would appear once again to play second fiddle to his brother. Luckily for him it's on the eve of his own 3DS starring role: Luigi's Mansion 2. This screenshot here not only showcases Luigi's inclusion in the game, but it also points out the return of Coins. These items litter the track and increase your speed, and haven't been seen since Mario Kart Super Circuit on the GameBoy Advance.

YOSHI

Ah, Yoshi, the Eddie Murphy to Mario's Mike Myers. This obedient steed-turned-racer was gaming's first Animal Buddy, and he's back to the track once again to show everyone he's more than just a fancy horse. Seen here is the game's new aerial gameplay. That's right, Mario Kart takes to the skies and the seas, so literally nowhere is safe from obnoxiously unbalanced game play.

PRINCESS PEACH

The princess-formerly-known-as-Toadstool is back as well. Historically speaking, princesses and cars haven't always been a good match, but this doesn't deter Peach. Here she's seen about to board an airship.

TOAD

It's hard out here for a Toad. They basically act as mindless servants to the Mushroom Kingdom royalty, and always get stuck giving the bad news whenever the princess is in another castle. They're even used as shields by Peach in Super Smash Bros! Toad has returned despite all of that, probably because this is the only place where he gets to throw shells at all the people that degrade him on a daily basis.

KOOPA TROOPA

Koopa Troopa is another neglected and abused character out to get his revenge on the track. Unlike Toad however, Koopa isn't here for himself. He's here on behalf of his countless fallen brothers who have been killed at the hands of the Italian "hero". As if to rub it in, their lifeless shells are even used as projectiles in this sick, twisted race.

BOWSER

The Koopa King, Bowser, is another character whose inclusion should come as no surprise. This screenshot showcases the customizable nature of the game's Karts. Bowser has chosen the obnoxiously large tire set, causing one to wonder if perhaps he's overcompensating for something.

DONKEY KONG

Finally, a character we actually care about. Donkey Kong has been tossed into these game's for years, and they never learn to respe--- Wait a minute, what the fuck?! Is that DK's model from DKCR? Is that a tiki goon obstacle on the track? Is that DK's goddamned treehouse?!

That's right, the development of this game has seen a little bit of assistance from the boys at Retro Studios, and it is shown marvelously by this screenshot. Diddy Kong's chances of being playable just shot up tenfold, and so did the chances that I actually buy this game.

WARIO

To no one's surprise, Wario, the Mushroom Kingdom's premier Stalin impersonator, has been confirmed for the new Mario Kart. Assuming the first 8 confirmed racers were the starters, this marks the first time since his induction to the series that he's no unlocked at the start of the game. Not to worry, as that won't stop this greedy doppelgänger (read: douche-bag) from raking in the coins. Also seen here is the returning stage Waluigi's Pinball, perhaps signifying that the purple clad anti-hero's brother will be along for the ride as well.

DAISY

Daisy, like Wario, made her debut in the Mario Land series. Today she spends most of her time playing tennis and baseball (also like Wario). Although I'm sure nobody on Earth is excited to race as Daisy, there are certainly less interesting characters that could have been chosen. You know, like Baby Daisy. Regardless, she's returned along with the rest of the obvious knock-off cast to ensure that you have plenty of choices you'll never, ever want to race as. Coming soon: Wa-Daisy, Baby Wa-Daisy, and Aborted Fetus Daisy.

ROSALINA

Just in case you didn't have enough princesses to race as, here's a space themed one. You know, so the thriving online "art" community has some material to work with. For this reason alone, Rosalina has returned to the racing fray despite being only a mildly important character from an increasingly less relevant game. Fresh off of her latest space adventure in which her home planet of Alderaan was destroyed, she's ready to earn some Mushroom Kingdom prize money to finance a galactic rebellion. Or something. Don't tell me that track she's on isn't the rebel base on Hoth.

LAKITU

Perhaps the most startling inclusion in the series' history is that of the referee himself, Lakitu. Yes, that dick on the cloud that used to drop Spinies on you. Generally, he's only floated around to pick you up when you've fallen off the course or to get up in your face when you drive the wrong way, but now he's getting behind the wheel for the first time. I won't get into the logistics of using a cloud as a vehicle (hint: it won't work), but I will say that I fully intend to hit Lakitu with as many spiny shells as I can find. His reign of terror ends this holiday season.

METAL MARIO

Old Ironsides, I mean... Metal Mario makes his karting debut in Mario Kart 7. Again, he's not the worst choice they could make (*Baby Daisy*), but really, at this point it's like they're trying to fill the roster with the least inspired characters they could think of. Unless Metal Mario returns in the upcoming Super Mario 3D Land, I see no reason for him to fill up a spot here on what we can assume is a rather limited roster. But alas, he's in there. Hopefully by the next installment they'll scrap him (literally) and come up with something better than a recolor of another character. If Diddy Kong doesn't make it because of the likes of Lakitu and Aluminum Mario, I will fucking rage.

SHY GUY

Shy Guy, the creepiest mother fucker in the entire Mushroom Kingdom, is finally fully playable in a Mario Kart title. I mean, sure he was used as the player substitutes in the "download play" feature of Mario Kart DS, but where was he in the main game? I will tell you where, and that is no where. But he is now here, and looking even more like a Michael Myers copycat than ever before. It's clear that the developers have thrown all predictability out the window, so up next you can surely expect playable Chargin' Chuck, Angry Sun, and Kuribo's Shoe. Yes, just the shoe.

MII

After a series of off the wall inclusions, they toss us another "expected" character. The Mii is a customizable charicature that is built into the interface of Wii's and 3DS', and has found it's way into every cameo game released since their introduction. So what does this mean for Mario Kart 7? Well, if you go online you can expect there to be a lot more Ozzy Osbournes and Admiral Ackbars than in past entries. Some might even say that dressing up a Mii as Diddy Kong will make up for it if he's not in. Those people are wrong. Very, very wrong.

QUEEN BEE

Remember when I joked about obscure characters like Angry Sun getting in? I WAS JOKING. *sigh* In a further attempt to diversify the Mario Kart cast, the developers have thrown in another surprise inclusion. Queen Bee (not Queen B.) is an insignificant side character from the Mario Galaxy games. To put this in perspective, she's significantly less important than Petey Pirahna, and just as unlikable. I mean look at her! She's a generic Queen Bee type character, even her name is bland. Plus, they had to considerably resize her just so that she'd fit in a kart. I'm not saying that including her was a bad idea per say, but I am saying that if she's the reason Diddy's not in, I will flip a nut. FLIP. A. NUT.

WIGGLER

Wiggler is no stranger to the Mario sport scene. Having been an oddball inclusion in Mario Power Tennis and Mario Super Sluggers, he's now stepped into the more mainstream cameo game, Mario Kart 7. The bad news is, he's kinda stupid. I mean look at him; there are at least a dozen better ideas than this guy. But the good news is, his name is really funny. Wiggler. It sounds like a penis reference could easily be made there. That alone gives me more material to work with then half the roster. In fact, I'm so pleased with that idea that I forgot to actually make the reference here. But rest assured, those penis jokes are coming! You can bet your little Wiggler they are!