BLOOPER
The Blooper Reel got its name from how terrible squids are at acting.
A little squid that likes to hang out on land, Blooper splatters ink all over a characters screen and makes it ever so slightly harder to drive. When he’s not busy being an item, Blooper likes to predict who will win in Mario Strikers matches.
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BANANA PEEL
I’m pretty sure COPS has started to use Banana Peels to make car chases easier for the new guys.
A banana peel with eyes on it. Its hobbies include making racers spin out and hanging out in vaudeville routines.
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TRIPLE BANANA PEELS
The entire Mario cast express their hatred of Donkey Kong by teasing him with empty husks of food. Starvation never looked so Rated E for Everyone.
Racers can choose to release any of three banana peels directly behind them or directly in front of them. The former is the equivalent of throwing a live grenade into an enemy base. The latter is the equivalent of swallowing a live grenade.
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RED SHELL
How many Koopas does it take to demolish a house? Depends how hard you throw ‘em.
A homing projectile, in the form of a turtle shell. Kind of like a heat-seeking missile, except it can be countered by banana peels.
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TRIPLE RED SHELLS
The ultimate cock block.
Three homing missiles that can also act as a shield, this is pretty much the ultimate weapon. Unless of course you’re on Rainbow Road, in which case Red Shells somehow become less useful than Green Shells.
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GREEN SHELL
You might as well have not even gotten an item.
I could come up with a really, really terrible and overused shell shock pun here, but I think I’m going to take the high road. Shocking, isn’t it?
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TRIPLE GREEN SHELLS
For Koopas, it isn’t slow and steady that wins the race. The real trick is to haphazardly ricochet off of as many walls as possible.
“Taking the high road” was a pun too. Because this is a racing game, see?
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STARMAN
Warning: Touching an actual star will most likely not grant you invincibility.
This guy will make any racer invincible for a short amount of time. It also gives them the ability to knock any other racer out of the way simply by driving into them. This item becomes even better if your opponent has State Farm Insurance, because I’m pretty sure they don’t cover damages caused by raw energy.
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MUSHROOM
Wow, shrooms and speed all in one item! HAHAHAHAHA… no? No one?
This provides a racer with a boost of speed, which can often get them out of some tight situations. It can be especially helpful in this iteration of Mario Kart for when a player wants to get high. Using a parasail.
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TRIPLE MUSHROOMS
For some players, a helpful item that can last a whole race. For others, an opportunity to go really fast for three seconds.
I’m really sorry about the Mushroom description. Don’t do drugs, kids.
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WINGED BLUE SHELL
The flying spiny Paratroopa is nearing extinction due to its habit of flying into the ground and exploding.
If you don’t know about this item or what it does, you’re probably in the wrong place. Also, I envy you so much.
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BULLET BILL
I’m waiting for the ESRB to realize how often bullets get fired in Mario games.
This causes a racer to turn into a giant death machine and make up for about twelve minutes of lost time where they were looking at the wrong screen. And you may be saying, “This is a 3DS game, you can’t look at the wrong screen!” And to that I say, some people think the touch screen looks really nice in this game.
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BOB-OMB
After a few bad life decisions, little Robbie Omb ended up in the Item Roulette.
A bomb that explodes upon impact. It can be dropped behind a player for a delayed explosion, or thrown ahead of a player for a more immediate response. Additionally, it is literally the only Mario character that was not playable in Mario Super Sluggers.
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LIGHTNING BOLT
Warning: Getting struck by actual lightning will not shrink you. Everyone knows that’s what little blue mushrooms are for!
An item that will temporarily shrink every racer on the course, slowing them down for a short while and giving you the upper hand. The lightning bolt is, shockingly, a bolt of lightning (And people told me I wouldn’t be able to fit a shocking pun in this list twice).
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