Ram that massively bulging beer gut into your XXXL soccer shirt, baldy! It's time for some balls-in-your-face footballery for you to pound your flabby chest and drink warm lager to. ENGLAND ENGLAND ENGLAND!!

When Mario and pals find themselves in a desolate post-apocalyptic wasteland accompanied only by crowds of insane cheering sycophants and a mildly obnoxious RAAAAWWWWKKK ANNND ROOOOLLL guitar soundtrack, what better way to piss away the time than kick an electric ball around in small arenas surrounded by velocoraptor-proof fences?

Well, apart from wanking, I mean.

It's Mario Strikers Charged! A by-the-numbers sequel to the suspiciously similar GameCube title, featuring DK, Diddy and (for some reason) a couple of Kritters in a somewhat liberal interpretation of the rules of soccer. But hey, the sort of person who cares about such things is not likely to be the sort of person reading this. Or reading anything at all, ever, for that matter.


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