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Bitching About Brawl
September 15, 2007
Adventure Mode Week 5 - Cleffa's Wigglytuff Pokémon Bonanza
Welcome to another feces-filled week! It's been almost four months since Urkel The Famed Cum Guzzler launched, yet we still have no news on Jigglypuff, Pichu, or Mewtwo. How much longer can this farce last? Apparently until the next Smash Bros. game! Yes, face the facts folks. We Pokéfans are getting Pokéshafted in Brawl. We'll only have two characters and a retread of our stage from Melee. Embrace the negativity!
This Week In Characters
1. Ice Climbers
Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me? We have yet to bask in the all-mighty glory that is Mewtwo, yet Sakurai the sakeholic decides to placate us by jamming these square pegs in the round holes of potential awesome? Fuck this guy. I'm sick of his bullshit. Yeah, I was praising him just a few weeks ago when he revealed Pokémon Trainer, but it's become quite apparent that all PT is is a not-so-thinly-disguised attempt at condensing the playable Pokémon on the roster while ditching favorite characters like Jigglypuff. Do I need to break out the sales chart again to point just how important Pokémon is to Nintendo's history? Certainly more important than absolute failures like Pit and Stanley the Bugman (hey Sak... Donkey Kong hasn't been popular since 1984!).
The Ice Climbers proudly continue the tradition of Smash Bros. Brawl lameness. Next!
This Week In Items
NO NEW ITEMS REVALED THIS WEEK!
You won't see me complaining. Will we ever get a Pokémon item that's not a Pokéball? I know I harp on this in every column, but why is it that one of the most innovative games in the series, Pokémon Snap, is routinely ignored? The snapshot mode from Melee should be incorporated with Snap-aesthetics for Brawl, complete with film that you could collect in stages, but I doubt it will ever happen. All Supreme Ruler Lord Miyamoto cares about is his precious Mario and Donkey Kong. Suck my girder.
This Week In Assist Trophies
1. Lyn
Some stupid slut from Fire Emblem. Will we ever seen any generic trainers in Assist Trophy form? I'd hate to see Misty, Brock, or Giovanni get pigeon-holed in this awful position (since they all deserve to be playable, natch), but why not a Bug Collector? Just seeing the words BUG COLLECTOR WANTS TO FIGHT! would make Brawl (team) rocket to the top of my most wanted list.
This Week In Pokémon
1. Munchlax
Our Father, which art in Sinnoh,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
in Japan as it is in Japan.
Give us this day our daily honey tree.
And forgive us for the pinball,
As we forgive them that pinballed against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from Team Rocket.
Gotta catch 'em all,
gotta catch 'em all.
Amen.
This Week In Stages
NO NEW STAGES REVALED THIS WEEK!
Instead, Hack-urai profiled "Special Brawl," where you can customize fights by sticking bunny ears out of Mario's hat. What you're reading is my fingers typing while I don't care. Give me Glitch City or give me death.
Correction Corner!
Last week, I made a reference to the complete overthrow of the world government at the hands of the "Anti-Didites" occuring in 1993. Of course it happened in 1994, but in my defense I didn't understand the signifigance of Supreme Ruler Lord Miyamoto dominating the planet until 1998, when I first became interested in video games thanks to the genius of Satoshi Tajiri.
What does Anti-Didite mean, anyway?
Write to Our Friend.
Return to the Bitching About Brawl hub
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Cleffa's Wigglytuff Pokemon Bonanza is not affiliated with Nintendo, Creatures Inc., Game Freak, Warner Brothers, 4-Kids Productions, or MOONMAN Enterprises. Original content © 2001 Cleffa's Wigglytuff Pokemon Bonanza.
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