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Bitching About Brawl
September 29, 2007
Adventure Mode Week 7 - Twycross
What a week it's been. See, I'm not alone in this column. With me is...
"Doc Tom Poston! From television!"
And we're journeying through a... strange time tunnel...
...going back to the year 1994 in order to prevent a team of evil men from the Doc's timeline from destroying a company called Rare. I remember they made those Battletoad games. What's the big deal?
 In late 1994 they would make a game called Donkey Kong Country. It would forever change Donkey Kong, and, in the correct reality, you actually work for a site that idolizes those video games.
So... wait a minute. If we succeed, that means... I won't exist?
If you want, I can take you into the timestream right before we correct the course of events. That's the only reason I exist at the moment. I was in the midst of traveling through time. Had I been at any point in the past, present, or future, I would have been wiped away along with the rest of my world.
Still, these are such epic consequences. This is my life we're talking about. How can I change the only reality I've ever known? Isn't this a bit dire for a Pokémon-themed Smash Bros. Internet column?
Ask yourself. Is it really worth living in a world where Shigeru Miyamoto rules?
So I take it that your world is run by men of peace?
No... far from it. But the current United States President is a huge Pokémon fan.
Sold!
This Week In Characters
NO NEW CHARACTERS REVEALED THIS WEEK!
I'm guessing Hack-urai felt that the reveal of Snake was so well-received that he could rest on his laurels this week and not give us a new character. Well pardon me, but I needed something to wash away the skanky man-musk that Snake left in there. It tastes like Tom Selleck after dipping his balls in cologne and motor oil.
This Week In Items
1. Trophies
So the sticker scare from a few months back turns out to be unfounded. We're still getting trophies, which, I may add, are in no way reflective of the playable characters being trophies come to life. As usual though, I barely see any Pokémon representation in the screenshots: Just the Trainer and Pikachu. This wrecks my day and makes me hate life in general.
This Week In Assist Trophies
1. Mr. Resetti
Oh, look! A character who complains all the time. Is this supposed to be a slam on me? Seeing as how there are exactly the same amount of letters in "MR RESETTI" as there are "OUR FRIEND", I'd have to assume so.
Hopefully Resetti will make for a good surrogate and make the sufficient amount of complaints when that little bastard Donkey Kong Jr. is involved in a match.
This Week In Stages
NO NEW STAGES REVEALED THIS WEEK!
Once again Sakurai neglects our need to see a new stage in favor of profiling a weak game mode. This week's abomination was the Tourney (which I swore read Tranny... actually, that would explain so much about Sakurai). What's worse, Sakurai displayed Donkey Kong winning the damn thing. Worm, indeed.
If this rampant anti-Poké bias doesn't end soon, I swear I'm going to slit my wrists. Or erase my self from history, which is probably the more likely scenario given the fact that I'm giong backwards through time to do just that. Wait... Doc, this plan sucks.
This Week In Moves
1. Donkey Kong Jr.
The Final Smash of Supreme Ruler Lord Miyamoto's favorite character is dreadfully predicatable. He climbs two vines and drops fruit on enemy combatants. Yes, the same thing he's been doing for twenty five years. I know character evolution is unknown to my stepfather, but it's like he takes nasty pride in keeping these characters stagnant while continuing to shove them down our throats.
And yes, I know that, being a camera, I do not have a throat. That doesn't negate the point that, if I did, it would be gagging on Donkey Kong Jr.
2. Pokémon Trainer
At least the total crap above was met with a more fufilling update. As I predicted back when PT was revealed, his Final Smash will involve a combined attack by his Pokémon. So you know what that means!
Too bad Stephen Colbert was put to death by my stepfather. I quite enjoyed his tomfoolery.
Date: June 6, 1994
Location: Twycross
We're here. Jolly old England.
This is a field full of cows.
It's from this methane-cloaked, Mad Cow infested bovine collective that Rare created Donkey Kong Country and the character of Diddy Kong, the bane of Miyamoto's existence, and the impetus for his changing of history.
Oh, now I see. There's a barn over there. Yeah, I guess you could make video games in there. Might be difficult with the chickens, but yeah.
"Lawd above! Well wotcher cock. If i' ain't a little camera an' 'is ghoulie friend, innit."
And you are?
 Lor' luv a duck! Name's Chris Stamper! I make da video games wiv da Sabreman an' big toads an' oon da fuzzy ki' kat chunky men. Know what I mean?
Uh, Doc?
We just need to keep a look out for the Anti-Didites. According to historical records, they should be storming this area at any moment.
Quick question. How are we supposed to stop them? We're just two guys, and you're a ghost.
Good fucking point.
Awright geeezzaa! We're brown bread! The Chinamen are comin' down from da sky ter murder us all, just like Jack da Ripper did ter da whawers!
What?
They have a giant flying battleship? Even with no plan, there was no way we could prepare for that!
It wasn't in the historical records! They must have erased all references to it!
"Prepare to die, Rareholes!"
     DIDDY KONG MUST DIE!
This isn't going to end well for us.
"And I'm Leigh Loveday! Wot's all this-"
Write to Our Friend.
Return to the Bitching About Brawl hub
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Cleffa's Wigglytuff Pokemon Bonanza is not affiliated with Nintendo, Creatures Inc., Game Freak, Warner Brothers, 4-Kids Productions, or MOONMAN Enterprises. Original content © 2001 Cleffa's Wigglytuff Pokemon Bonanza.
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