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Bitching About Brawl
October 6, 2007
Adventure Mode Week 8 - Chest Of Time
...what just happened?
"We... they... Twycross was just nuked."
"Oh dear. Back to the unemployment line for me."
How did we survive the explosion? Where are we now?
"Perhaps I can explain. Mwa ha ha ha."
 Who the hell are you? I don't care! I shall call you Motzand!
 I was hoping you would know, seeing as how you were plucked from June 1994. I'm O.J Simpson's bloody glove, but you may call me Master Hand. Mwa ha ha ha.
 O.J. was going to be my roomie in Hell! Uh, if he did it.
Master Hand? As in the Master Hand of Smash Bros. fame? Aren't you supposed to be a fictional character?
Well I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be my own bloody perverted doodle, but here we are.
Did you yank us through time from this chest?
Forgive me for yanking you, but I am a right hand! It's what I like to do best. Mwa ha ha ha.
Yeah, we had already figured this out at the Bonanza. That's how Pikachu, Jigglypuff, and the rest can fight Link, Samus, and other time-displaced characters. Master Hand pulls them through the Chest Of Time.
Nice bedroom. What are you, eight years old?
I'm young at heart, okay? I relate with children more than I do omnipresent limbs my own age. Mwa ha ha ha.
Someone call Chris Hansen.
Speaking of Chris, where's Stamper? He was there with us when the Japanese bombed.
Sorry. I dropped him. Come on, I'm only one hand. Unfortunately, he was the only one I was really reaching for to begin with. Mwa ha ha ha.
Why? Why did you want him here?
Our Friend here already touched on it. I'm the magical puppet master behind the Smash Bros. series. While Masahiro Sakurai is the one who brings it to life in your realm, I directly influence his decisions from my crazy rainbow and laser light dimension. Mwa ha ha ha.
Sorry, I still don't get it. Can you help me grasp it? Ah, pun!
Unbeknown to you, Mr. Loveday, and you, Mr. Friend, I'm well aware of the changed timestream. I exist beyond all realities, after all. And thanks to the meddling of the Anti-Didites, my desires for Super Smash Bros. Brawl were finger fucked. Mwa ha ha ha.
Diddy. You wanted Diddy in the game.
Diddy is essential to the tournament! They say the third time is the charm, so I was specifically saving the best character ever for the third Smash game. But now, Diddy has ceased to exist, along with the more interesting version of Donkey Kong. Mwa ha ha ha.
So you wanted to save Chris Stamper so he could still create Donkey Kong Country.
Well, you could still do it. I mean, just pull him out a few seconds before you did the same to us. Or just stop the Anti-Didites before they even get that huge flying battleship. Say, do you have any Hamburger Helper? I'm really hungry for Hamburger Helper.
I can't reach the Anti-Didites from the point that they formed. It no longer exists. They now only appear in time for a very brief window. They're anamolies. By achieving their goal, they erase themselves. Seeing as how they've stolen the Halbred for this purpose, even I can't effectively strike them. As for just saving Chris Stamper a few seconds earlier, you've already interacted with him at the moment of his death. I can't risk giving the finger to the timestream anymore then you guys and the Anti-Didites have done in recent weeks. Mwa ha ha ha.
Ugh. My head! I can't take this anymore! This isn't what a Smash Bros. column is supposed to be about! This... this adventure doesn't even make sense! Can anyone follow this nonsense? ANYONE?
You're more of a pain than my carpal tunnel. Would it appease you if I let you do your column real quick? Mwa ha ha ha.
If you were a regular reader of my column, you would know that nothing appeases me.
This Week In Characters
1. Lucas
Not only do I loathe the replacement of Ness, but I loathe all of the fans who are working their wangs in a lather over it. Ooooh, it's a character from a Japanese-exclusive game! Cool! I love being left in the dark about the very game I'm playing! Hopefully they won't even translate this game. Only bloody vaginas try to read menus in English! May you fuck me in the ass a bit more, Nintendo? Ah, that's better.
Newflash, you moronic blind followers and unknowing fan slaves: Mother 3 is never coming to North America! This is meaningless, and an insult to those who were fans of Ness! Nintendo doesn't give a damn about your opinions, and I just don't want to hear them!
This Week In Items
NO NEW ITEMS REVEALED THIS WEEK!
There's co-op play in Adventure Mode though, which hopefully means you and your friends can beat some Subspace ass with the dream team of Pokémon Trainer and Pikachu.
This Week In Assist Trophies
1. Excitebike
In an artistic move (in other words, in an incredibly lazy act made in the name of a retro tribute), the Excitebike ATs will look just like their NES counterparts. But wait! It was so easy to put them in the game, they're going to do it with one more character! Lakitus were also snuck into this update, and, despite appearing in nearly every Mario game since Super Mario World, they're going to look exactly like they did in Super Mario Bros. Why stop there? Let's just release this game as a deck of playing cards, or we can just roleplay a mascot fighter in one of Nintendo's old whore houses! Come on everyone! Let's shut our eyes tight to the progress of the last twenty years!
This Week In Stages
1. Shadow Moses Island
Not being well-versed in the third party hell that is Metal Gear Solid, I was confused when I first saw the title "Shadow Moses Island." I figured it was going to be a rock in the middle of the Rea Sea getting pummeled by bullets from gun-nut Charlton Heston. Fellow small penis carrier Ted Nugent would then help him turn you into Soylent Green. Especially Donkey Kong, seeing as how he's a damn dirty ape.
Yeah, not some of my best work. I was just in an atomic blast. What's your excuse for not being clever?
This Week In Moves
1. Fox
I'll cut to the chase: It's the Landmaster. I figured Sakurai wouldn't choose anything from Star Fox Adventures: Pokémon Planet. God forbid we acknowledge the PU portion of the franchise.
2. Shielding & Dodg...
Sorry, I just put myself to sleep thinking about reviewing this one.
Done? Good. I have two plans to save Diddy Kong, and we'll need to attempt both simultaneously if we want to increase the likelihood of success. Mwa ha ha ha.
Yeah, you'll want to entrust us with this, seeing as how our last attempt at doing this went so well.
Plan one. Chris Stamper may be dead, but Tim Stamper was scheduled for a meeting in Japan when the nuke went off. He can still bring Donkey Kong Country to light, but we need to find him. Mwa ha ha ha.
Well, you... just said he was in Japan... so...
After the Twycross tragedy, Tim Stamper went insane and fell off the grid. Even with all of my powers, I can't find him, so it's out of my hand. Mwa ha ha ha.
Okay, okay. So you want the three of us to search for him through various wacky locales, right?
No, you guys will need to split up on this. One team to find Tim Stamper, and one team to go back in time and... kill Miyamoto as a baby. Mwa ha ha ha.
What? No. No way. No. No. No. No no no no no no no no.
That seems a little tactless, guy. I may disagree with my stepfather, but I don't wish death upon him. Certainly not death on his innocent baby self. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Uh... I'm basically evil. Didn't all of that maniacal laughter tip you off?
How will killing baby Miyamoto help? You said it yourself that he doesn't grow up to be the same Miyamoto who nuked Rare.
Because the original 2002 Miyamoto committed this act of terror to erase Diddy, and, as a result, have the Miyamoto in the new timeline take over the world. If we ensure there's no Miyamoto around TO rule the world, it will strike a blow to their motivations.
Fine, fine. I may not like it, but I'll agree that we're out of options. Who does what?
I need two of you on the baby assassination. So Doc, you and Our Friend can go back in time and do that.
So that leaves me to find Tim? All by my lonesome? I burn easily and will need someone to rub sunblock on my back. Plus, I don't have the powers to travel through time. Do I look like Doctor Who to you?
I'm providing you a time machine... the RETARDIS.
And no, you won't be alone. I already have a partner for you. Pulled him out of the timestream weeks ago, as a matter of fact, and nursed him out of a coma.
Salutations! Bob O. Friend here.
Bob! The one I was tasked by God to find before the universe became unhinged. What a relief!
Tom? It's great to see you! Wait... are you dead? When did you die?
Hey fuckface, what's the big idea? Is this me?
No, you're me! Or am I you? Who are you?
I'm you! Or me. Our Friend!
Bob O. Friend!
Me!
You!
Us!
We!
Ugh.
Write to Our Friend and Bob O. Friend.
Return to the Bitching About Brawl hub
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Cleffa's Wigglytuff Pokemon Bonanza is not affiliated with Nintendo, Creatures Inc., Game Freak, Warner Brothers, 4-Kids Productions, or MOONMAN Enterprises. Original content © 2001 Cleffa's Wigglytuff Pokemon Bonanza.
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