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Bitching About Brawl
October 13, 2007
Adventure Mode Week 9 - Sonic
My first column! Er, I suppose. I'm Bob O. Friend, and with me is dry-witted writer Leigh Loveday.
"So this is what it comes to. Appearing as a character in fan fiction. Bugger all."
We've been tasked by Master Hand to go forth and find Tim Stamper, last survivor of Rare and perhaps the last hope for mankind. But we're not doing that this week, are we Loveday?
 It seems a bit thick of you asking that question when you bloody well know the answer already.
Right. Loveday was thirsty, so he insisted we stop off at a restaurant first. This restaurant:
It's not that I have a problem with Sonic Drive-In. I just question the integrity of any place that would advertise nationwide when they haven't expanded to every part of said nation. Here, look at ads for our food and slushies twice every freaking commercial break! Have you broken down? Would you like to try it? Nuts to you, because we're only in the midwest or something! Bah.
So you're saying that, while Sonic is a perfectly valid eatery, it doesn't deserve it's spot amongst the other television commercials?
Pretty much. Ah, here comes our waitress.
"Hello! I'm Zero Suit Samus, and I'll be serving you today. Are you ready to order?"
I haven't seen knockers like that since looking at the sketchwork for B. Orchid!
Don't stare!
It's better than looking at the bloke's head, that's for sure.
 For starters, would you like to try our Peach Iced Tea?
Bitch, please! I'd rather have a Daisy.
...
...
...just give me a Real Fruit Slush.
Okay. We have Lemon, Lemon-Berry, Lime, Strawberry...
Strawberry Real Fruit Slush was always my nickname for one of the writers of my old website, so I'll go with that.
And for the chalky nude man?
Do you have any British cuisine?
One Black Pudding and Mushy Pea Slush it is.
Turn on the radio while we wait.
Can do.
"Who's the girl next door living in the haunted mansion..."
Blegh. That's unfortunae.
So says the man from the nation who gave us the Spice Girls.
Come again? I'm from 1994, remember. Plus, we gave the Beatles, the Stones, Floyd... don't be an ungrateful turk.
So where are we going to go next? Tim Stamper could be anywhere.
Not sure on the answer to that one. Let me round up a member of the KI Gold team, but I guarantee no usefulness for his answers:
 "We had actually intended for Thunder to be unlockable, but, in our deadline to meet the N64 launch season, we had to resort to nix everyone's favorite Chief once again. Besides, we felt as if Tusk had met the requirement for greased-up rugged giants, but obviously some feel different."
What?
Oh, sorry. Sometimes I like to pretend I answer people's letters about hypothetical games my company could have made had we not been nuked by the Halbred.
Hi guys. Sorry, but it looks like there will be a delay in your order. There's a new kitchen staff and they're a bit inexperienced.
How long until we get our drinks then?
February 10th.
WHAT?
Come on, Bob. Let's just go.
What, no tip?
You didn't do anything except take our orders and tell us our drinks have been delayed into mid-winter!
In that case, I do believe I'm going to have to use my Paralyzer and Plasma weapons on you!
Mother fucker!
Hah, no, no. I'm joking, I'm joking. Your drinks aren't delayed. Gee, I wish you could have seen the look on your faces just now. Too bad I didn't have a camera. Or... some sort of snapshot mode.
Bitching About Brawl. Sonic's got it, others don't!
Write to Bob O. Friend.
Return to the Bitching About Brawl hub
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Cleffa's Wigglytuff Pokemon Bonanza is not affiliated with Nintendo, Creatures Inc., Game Freak, Warner Brothers, 4-Kids Productions, or MOONMAN Enterprises. Original content © 2001 Cleffa's Wigglytuff Pokemon Bonanza.
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