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I've already expressed my reservations, but this is a last ditch effort in restoring the timeline to a vague resemblance of what it once was.
You don't know your doppleganger. You and Bob are a lot alike, except for two major differences. He loves Donkey Kong and, for some reason, he seems to be Bob Newhart.
I don't understand how it's possible myself. How would a simple coma cause Bob Newhart to possess him?
Sometimes you make me want to reincarnate so I can kill myself.
NO NEW CHARACTERS REVEALED THIS WEEK!
You know, at this point I've given up on the idea that Jigglypuff, Pichu, or Mewtwo will be returning. Three of the greatest characters in video game history, and Sakurai is going to put Lucas in instead. Pfft. No matter how reality pans out, I can guarantee this game is going to irritate me.
1. New Pork City
Speaking of that little son of a bitch, here's Lucas' stage. It's called New Pork City because it's a PUN, but I don't believe you're actually fighting on the prepared carcass of a swine. Too bad, because when it pertains to the Islamic faith and myself, there's a common link between pork and Mother 3: Both are foul, dirty products that should be avoided at all costs.
2. Home Run Stadium
Not a stage, but merely confirmation that the Sandbag-beating game will return. Oh, how I would spend hours whacking Sandbag with Pichu. Will I get the same glory with this game? Doubtful. That's why this news does nothing for my current erecticle dysfunction.
1. Meowth
I'm going to spare you from my "should have playable" rant, because at this point I'm just glad to see Meowth back in a Smash Bros. game. His Pay Day move will "make it rain" just as if he were a patron at a strip club.
1. Little Mac
I'm going to assume that the developers of Punch Out! were really big Burger King devotees, and the name Little Mac is an underhanded swipe at McDonald's signature burger. Why else would the game's manual refer to Mike Tyson's genitalia as the Whopper?
You're making that up. You just wanted to make a penis joke!
So you're denying that Mike Tyson is bestowed with large manhood? Uh oh! Better not tell him that!
...I'm already dead. So yes, Mike Tyson has a small dick.
That's going to come back to bite you in the ass. Just you wait.
1. Peach
And from male genitalia to the character named after the vagina, Peach's Final Smash bombards you with peaches while surrounding you with a border right out of a Lisa Frank binder. The only thing missing are unicorns, rainbows, and ponies.
Finally! It's been 14 days since we entered that tunnel. I need to stretch my legs and take a pee.
Ectoplasm.
You're just proof that time travelers will put up with mediocre accommodations if the scenery is good.
You do know we're not going to abort him, right? Pit once told me it wasn't the Christian way, so we've gone back to when he was a one year old and we're going to be putting a bullet right between his eyes.
I put a vanishing spell on him until I get back to the castle! Lord Bowser will be quite interested in having another Boo in his army!
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