Bitching About Brawl
October 20, 2007
Adventure Mode Week 10 - Yoshi's Island
Traveling through time once again, I'm Our Friend.
"And I'm Doctor Thomas Poston."
For the past two weeks, we've been journeying backwards to the year 1953 to whack Baby Shigeru Miyamoto. Yeah, it sounds awful, but we're doing it under the employ of Master Hand.
 I've already expressed my reservations, but this is a last ditch effort in restoring the timeline to a vague resemblance of what it once was.
So long as I'm not erased from history. What would the world do without me? Listen to that Bob guy?
You don't know your doppleganger. You and Bob are a lot alike, except for two major differences. He loves Donkey Kong and, for some reason, he seems to be Bob Newhart.
Don't even bother trying to explain that to me.
I don't understand how it's possible myself. How would a simple coma cause Bob Newhart to possess him?
No, Doc. I mean loving Donkey Kong. What's there to love about this:
Compared to this:
Sometimes you make me want to reincarnate so I can kill myself.
This Week In Characters
NO NEW CHARACTERS REVEALED THIS WEEK!
You know, at this point I've given up on the idea that Jigglypuff, Pichu, or Mewtwo will be returning. Three of the greatest characters in video game history, and Sakurai is going to put Lucas in instead. Pfft. No matter how reality pans out, I can guarantee this game is going to irritate me.
This Week In Stages
1. New Pork City
Speaking of that little son of a bitch, here's Lucas' stage. It's called New Pork City because it's a PUN, but I don't believe you're actually fighting on the prepared carcass of a swine. Too bad, because when it pertains to the Islamic faith and myself, there's a common link between pork and Mother 3: Both are foul, dirty products that should be avoided at all costs.
2. Home Run Stadium
Not a stage, but merely confirmation that the Sandbag-beating game will return. Oh, how I would spend hours whacking Sandbag with Pichu. Will I get the same glory with this game? Doubtful. That's why this news does nothing for my current erecticle dysfunction.
This Week In Pokémon
1. Meowth
I'm going to spare you from my "should have playable" rant, because at this point I'm just glad to see Meowth back in a Smash Bros. game. His Pay Day move will "make it rain" just as if he were a patron at a strip club.
This Week In Assist Trophies
1. Little Mac
I'm going to assume that the developers of Punch Out! were really big Burger King devotees, and the name Little Mac is an underhanded swipe at McDonald's signature burger. Why else would the game's manual refer to Mike Tyson's genitalia as the Whopper?
You're making that up. You just wanted to make a penis joke!
So you're denying that Mike Tyson is bestowed with large manhood? Uh oh! Better not tell him that!
...I'm already dead. So yes, Mike Tyson has a small dick.
That's going to come back to bite you in the ass. Just you wait.
This Week In Moves
1. Peach
And from male genitalia to the character named after the vagina, Peach's Final Smash bombards you with peaches while surrounding you with a border right out of a Lisa Frank binder. The only thing missing are unicorns, rainbows, and ponies.
Date: November 22, 1953
Location: Yoshi's Island
Finally! It's been 14 days since we entered that tunnel. I need to stretch my legs and take a pee.
Ghosts urinate?
Ectoplasm.
Speaking of scary, take a look around.
From what you've told me, Hell is a lot more visually appealing than this place.
You're just proof that time travelers will put up with mediocre accommodations if the scenery is good.
Don't start that crap. I've heard it ever since my mom remarried. Let's just find this baby and suck him through a vacuum.
You do know we're not going to abort him, right? Pit once told me it wasn't the Christian way, so we've gone back to when he was a one year old and we're going to be putting a bullet right between his eyes.
Hey, let's ask this fellow where the Miyamotos live. He seems knowledgeable about the area.
"Evanesco!"
Doc? Doc? Where'd you go? What did you do to him?
 I put a vanishing spell on him until I get back to the castle! Lord Bowser will be quite interested in having another Boo in his army!
Wait! Without him, I'm going to be trapped here! Forever!
Shit.
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