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12/29/99
OK, I know you don't want arguments saying "How dare you!!! The show rocks and you sux!!!", but that's not what I'm writing about. Here are the reasons that the DKC tv show, which I was so excited about, became the biggest pile of computer-generated arse:
1.The voices. Compared to DKC, the dubs of Dragonball Z look Disney-quality. The voice actors have obviously no previous experience, most likely pulled off the streets. And many of the voices don't fit the characters AT ALL. In DK 64, K. Rool has a menacing, deep voice that shows how evil he is. In the show, not only is he one big fat moron, he sounds like a high-voiced Englishman. Donkey himself is some African-American teenager(Doesn't fit his deep voice at all), and Diddy and Dixie have possibly the worst voices of all. They could have used some talented child actors to use, but instead we end up with two adults whose main diet is a little gas called helium(One of which is the voice of Mouse on Reboot!). And while I think the voices for Cranky, Candy, and the Kremling army fit, they are ruined by the fact that the actors and actresses have no emotion in their performances whatsoever. Candy and Cranky always have the same tone of voice in every mood, and they suck. Really, REALLY dissapointing.
2.Bluster Kong, of course. They gave up Wrinkly and Swanky for THIS? He's a stereotyped French mook with no personality except to get mad at everyone and talk about how suave he is. His voie sux too.
3.The song and dance. Oh god, the song and dance. Almost certainly, as you said, the worst part of this monstrosity. The voice actors have no acting talent, and they have no singing talent either. The songs have cheesy lyrics, effects, and horrible music, and you wouldn't like them even if they weren't on DKC.
4.The stories. The stories are simplistic, predictable, etc. The usual kids' tv crap. They also have nothing to do with anything in any game.
5.Any new characters. They came up with some stupid new characters, too. The pirates...Well, exactly what they said. It's crazy that K. Rool hates them when he was once a pirate himself! They have Eddie the Yeti, and he's some idiot running around with a club and getting mad at everyone. THey have a little Baby Kong, and it makes you wonder why they had to give up Kiddy for it.
6.The overall targeted age. Instead of offering good humor and stories that people our age could enjoy, they target it at kids under the age of 11. Crap.
7.The Crystal Coconut. Oh yes, you knew I'd save this for last. Every single stupid plot has to do with K. Rool trying to get this stupid little thing. It also leaves a hige plot hole that the makers didn't think would matter:Why can't the Kongs just wish on the damn thing to make K. Rool go away? Duh.
So there you have it. Nelvana had the chance to make a magnificent show that would join the ranks of the great Super Mario Bros. shows that all us DKC fans would love, but they churned out some of the worst crap the world's ever seen. Overall, the awful monstrosity should have not have gotten the privilege to use the DK license on it. It should have been "Rabid, Poorly-Acted Fat Arses Bumping Into Each Other For A Glowing Thingy" instead of Donkey Kong Country. Hopefully, this will put all tv topics to rest, and we can stop speaking of this forever.
-Behonkiss(That's American for arse!)
Two words can sum up my reaction to this letter fairly well: Thank you. But since that's usually not adequate, I'll go further. You see, when the Fox Family channel had eventually gone to basic cable in my area, someone who was familiar with my overwhelming DK obsession saw the show on the TV and came running. He knocked down my door and said "Turn to that new channel!" So I did, and look! It was Donkey Kong! I was drooling as I saw him swinging on a vine, and he landed! And started walking! Donkey Kong! And then he came to some mountains. And then a white gorilla thing popped up and started singing and Donkey started singing too. First I screamed, then I plugged my ears, shut my eyes, and shook my head yelling "NO! NO! NO!". Finally I turned off the TV and vowed never to watch Fox Family again. It's not that big of a loss since they show some awful John Candy cartoon all the time anyway. Okay, so as for your numbered opinions...
1. You forgot the fact that the show's version of Candy is a male transvestite orangutan that screams a lot. But yes, I agree with the rest.
2. Swanky is not gay, but Bluster is. It rather confuses me why the producers cast a gay character instead of a good straight one. Unless...(shudder)
3. I like the Monkey Rap because it actually makes sense. Case closed.
4. And they all revolve around picnics. ALL OF THEM!
5. That's why French people are on my enemy list. (Hey, that's Richard Nixon's enemy list! You just crossed out his name and put yours!)
6. Yeah, but actually some good can come from this. If the show targeted the older age group, more people would be affected. Most of the younger ones are crazed over their Pokemon show, so the DKC show thankfully does not phase them. I will probably regret saying this in the future, but the Pokemon show is much better than the DKC show. It is actually accurate to the series. Why, oh why, couldn't the DKC show be accurate?
7. Yes, the crystal coconut. Ugh, I hate that domned coconut. Personally, I would smash it and kick the bits into the water and then go on a crotch-kicking rampage, kicking all the sub-par characters in their crotches. I would injure the show's Candy's manhood. BWAHAHAHA!
My mental health (or sickness) aside, you wrote an excellent letter. I wish more people thought like you, and less people thought like that Devon character who seems oddly faithful to the show. Cheers.
Hey Slush and Bart. Why does Nintendo think the Millennium starts in 2000. I thought they were suppose to be perfect. I even wrote them a letter and all I got was stupid reply saying that they are correct and I am wrong. Are they afraid to admit they made a mistake or are they just ignorant. I have enclosed the letters I sent them and the reply I got back.
In the Mew contest you called it "Mew for the Millennium." But the millennium doesn't start until 2001. I don't know why every one thinks it begins in 2000.
Your in pretty good company, though- those cute little talking M&Ms on TV seem to believe that 2000 is the first year of the millennium, too. But think of it this way: If we gave you four apples and asked you to count them you wouldn't call the first one "zero" and count "0,1,2,3" then say you had 3 apples. You would call the first apple "one" and count "1,2,3,4." It's the same with the years in the millennium. A millennium is a period of 1,000 years, right? So the first year of the millennium was 1, and the last year will be 2000. So the new millennium doesn't start until January 1, 2001. Don't trust me? Check the united States Naval Observatory; there's a FAQ on its website(www.usno.navy.mil ).Thank you for taking your time to read my letter. Anyway, keep up the good work!
Phillip Davis
...and then there's the other viewpoint regarding measurement of time. A child is not one year old at birth. A child turns one year old 12 months after he or she is born. Seeing as how our method of measuring years is based on a birth, it becomes apparent that the start of the year 2000 is the beginning of the 2001st full year. In other words, January 1, 2000, is the end of one millennium and the start of the next.
Then we need to ask ourselves if it really matters. Although all modern cultures pretty much use the same calendar, there are many other calendars in other cultures and religions. If the majority of people agree that the new millennium starts with 2000, that will be the standard. Just as we say that the decade of the '90s started with 1990 instead of 1991 and the century started with 1900 instead of 1901, the millennium starts with 2000. In my opinion, "Mew for the Millennium" is an accurate contest name.
Nintendo of America Inc.
Mike Chandler
-"X"
Holy crap, man. Mike Chandler is an arsehole, plain and simple. My biggest pet peeve is when people mess up this whole millennium crap. Mr. Chandler, oh Mr. Chandler, you are such a corporate shill. The first millennium didn't start in the year 0, and you know why Mr. Chandler? Because.......THERE WAS NO YEAR 0!!! According to the calendar that deadbeat pope made up back in the day, the years went straight from 1 BC to 1 AD. Then I won't even get into the whole fact that the calendar is messed up anyway, since Jesus wasn't born exactly when they thought he was born. Ugh. I don't care that they called it "Mew For the Millennium" though. Pokemon is full of shite anyway, and this just throws more shite on the fire.
I read your evolution theory, and was amazed at how correct you are. DK 64 had a new, Banjo-Kazooie-like feel to it that was unlike the DKC games. For a while, I(and some others)thought that for no reason, Rare had just made Banjo-Tooie into a game with DK characters tacked on, and I didn't see any of the games' true beauty. Then I read the theory, and realized why Rare had done it. I was completely unaware to the fact that they had done it for a reason, and I then realized with my now-clear mind that Rare had included some classic DKC elements, such as going around kicking everybody in the arse as Rambi, getting Banana coins for help, etc. Thanks to you, I've realized how magnificent DK 64's style really is. Thanks.
-Jonathan, The Happy Arse
You are quite welcome. I'm glad to hear that your mind has been brainwashed for the better. Basically any Rare-made DKU game has a purpose in the evolution of DKU games. While the "cameo" games (those not made by Rare) usually have a legitimate plot, often Donkey is tacked on so people will buy the game. I want to see Mario make a cameo in a DK-based title! Stupid ever-youthful plumber always going between dimensions to get Donkey Kong to visit so people will play the game... Grr.....
what is the "great girdle graple"
-NdJag86@aol.com
Girdle? I guess you're trying to be cute or clever by saying girdle instead of girder. Or you may not be. If not, then this is what it is. I presume you mean what Cranky was talking about in the Donkey Kong 64 instruction booklet. He said that he designed a level called the Great Girder Grapple but they didn't use it in the game. This is just Cranky being "humorous" in the booklet as he was in the DKC, DKC2, and somewhat in the DKL booklets. He's always complaining how the DKU sucks compared to the old DK games, and as we all know the first DK game (that's even in DK64) had Mario going across the girder of a pie factory in construction to stop Cranky as the young Donkey Kong Senior. So there is no level called the Great Girder Grapple, because (according to Cranky) Rare removed it. In the case of your spelling ways, the Great Girdle Grapple is after Mario rescued Pauline, and grappled with her....you know the rest.
is there a lost world in dk sixty four
-NdJag86@aol.com
Actually no one knows (except the DK64 team, of course). I've been looking for one for quite some time now. I believe it has something to do with the final banana fairy bonus. I think everyone who has beat the game should not go to the DK Bonus just yet..... keep looking for the Lost World! When we find it, it will be glorious. And Wizpig will jump out and fight KAOS and they will both die and kill Cranky in the process and then Donkey will marry Candy and Winky will pop out and make himself a character in the Tag Barrel! The Lost World rules!!!
WARNING: THE NEXT LETTER CONTAINS DK64 SPOILERS
I'm extremly bored right now, and I decided to pass some time looking at accounts. Nice feature by the way. N-E-wayz, I saw on the nov. 23(THE GREATEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) the spoiler thing. There were 7 blanks, then it said "was" then 4 blanks. Is is that you would be scared out of your skivos if you saw that Wrinkly was dead unprepared? As you can tell, I am bored and trying to find out the dumbest things. Oh well. ^_^
-Jon
Yes, that would be it. Once I (I being Slush) saw the ghost of a dead elderly female goat unprepared, and it started to talk to me. It started to tell me how I could find a seal to race, so I ran away. So if I saw the ghost of a dead elderly female GORILLA unprepared, I would be twice as scared.
I just started playing DK 64 and I am already stuck. I have Diddy so far and 11 bananas, but I don't know what to do next. Where will I find the next Kong? There are a few gates that I just can't enter, too steep. If you could give me some tips....???
-Lori
Sigh. We're almost spoiler free. Only two days more. But since we are not yet, here's a heaping load of black text for ye. Well, if you have 11 bananas that means you've gotten all of Diddy and Donkey's bananas in Jungle Japes and that you got the one banana required to open Japes. So now all you have to do is triumph over Army Dillo (behind the Troff 'N Scoff Door), and take the key to our large entrapped friend K. Lumsy. He'll open Angry Aztec for you, giving access to two of your missing comrades. But that's about all we're willing to divulge here. Cant you figure out the rest of this on your own? Sure, taking keys to someone is an RPG element, but come on! It's not really that hard to figure out!
Hi, I'm just really bored. And you're making me write a letter. Plus...I've got absolutely nothing to do. So...I guess...this is my whole letter. Uh huh, that's it.
-Way too bored!
I was just about done with the html for this Letters edition when you had to go and send me this oh-so confusing e-mail. Okay, I'm "making you write a letter"? I don't fully understand this... is it something like the new 7-up commercials? "Make me. WRITE A LETTER!" Yes, that appears to be it. If you've got nothing to do, why don't you take up the pasttime which many have recently adopted: scrutinizing the TimeVine for no good reason? That's a way to make the hours fly by.
Ya know how in the first episode of Donkey Kong Country 2 there's this place you can go where you get an extra life? Well, yeah. Well, I was wondering, what's up with that, anyways? God, I mean, how many people do you know who get extra lives from little balloons? Red ones, at that. Such an awful color, totally out of style. And another thing, that old lady changes a lot from DK2 to DK3. I mean, what happened? It's like they crossed the first one with someone from that "Let's Get Physical" song by Olivia Newton John's video. I mean, it's totally immoral or something. Monkeys in spandex? What were the creators thinking?
Really, they need some fashion advisers or something. Hey, you think they're hiring? Wow, I'd be so totally good at that! I mean, wicked cool!! I have to go, I think I'm going to call and ask!!!
Hugs n Kisses (unless of course you're unpopular, then I'll just shun you),
-Justin Gamble's female counterpart
And that's all we have to say to you.
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Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
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