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The random file, as specified in the $random_file perl variable was unopenable.

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DKVine Adventures
Episode 1: Conspiracy Theory
by Ivytoise2001

(Somewhere in an African airport...)

Attendant: Sir, what can I do you you today?

???: I need an airplane going to America.

Attendant: How many tickets?

???: I need the whole plane.

Attendant: Excuse me?

(The mysterious man throws a hook at the attendant knocking here out. King K. Rool steps up.)

K. Rool: Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wait a second... why the hell did you knock that lady out? Are you some kind of dumbarse? What in God's name would knocking a person out that's not a pilot or anything... how the heck would that help us get to America. You ignorant dumbarse! Go away.

(The mysterious one reveals himself to be a Kremling and walks away. K. Rool notices everyone staring at him.)

K. Rool: What the hell are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen a large reptile before?

(K. Rool goes over to a plane and walks in. He goes into the cockpit as people scream.)

Pilot: OH MY GOD!

K. Rool: No, I'm just a sworn enemy, but I am flattered...

(K. Rool takes the pilot out of the chair.)

(Elsewhere, in cyber space...)

Chad: Hello, Slush.

Slush: Hey, you watching Conan?

Chad: No, something's wrong with the cable. All I'm getting is the Donkey Kong Country show.

Slush: Now that's just evil. Hey, hang on a second...

(On Slush's TV...)

Conan: So, in today's news, a giant green lizard was seen taking over a plane today in Africa, true story.

(Laughter)

Conan: And in a related story, the food for that flight was made by George W. Bush

(Laughter)

Slush: Hm... Conan just said something weird.

Chad: Yeah, what else is new?

Slush: No, he said that a giant lizard stole an airplane in Africa.

Chad: That is weird...

Slush: I know, I didn't know they had airplanes in Africa!

Chad: No, you idiot. I mean that there's a giant lizard coming out of Africa and the only thing my cable is getting is the Donkey Kong Country Show... it seems a bit odd, doesn't it?

Slush: I'll tell you what's odd, French people!

Chad: ... the hell?

Slush: They are. They say "wee wee."

(A man comes up to Chad's computer.)

Chad: Wel... hang on, Slush, some dude's at my house... uh, hello?

Man: Heelo!

Chad: Uh... what are you doing here?

Man: I'm just here to ask why you aren't watching the magic picture box?

Chad: Well, I'm talking on my computer right now...

Slush: Hey, Chad, is it MOONMAN?

Man: The box has the wonderful message. If you look, you can join us!

(Chad turns around.)

Chad: Okay, who ar...

(Chad notices a large group of people in his house all dressed the same, looking at him.)

Chad: What the--

Slush: What's going on?

Chad: (To Slush) Something weird's going on... I gotta' go, man.

Slush: Good night...

(Chad shuts off the computer and starts to run out of the house.)

Townspeople: Wait, join us!

Chad: No thanks, freaks!

(Hours later... at Slush's house...)

Slush: (Playing Diddy Kong Racing) Diddy Kong Racing is fun, tee hee! What's that Banjo? You want to make out with Pipsy? Well, I don't think it'd work out considering the inter-species stuff. What? Bring it on, you flocking honeybear, I'll kick your arse!

(The doorbell rings. Slush goes to answer it.)

Slush: 'Yello.

(Chad is at the door.)

Chad: Slush, is that you?

Slush: Ben?

Chad: No, it's Chad!

Slush: Oh my God, I never thought you looked that bad...

Chad: What?

Slush: Nothing... why are you here, anyway?

Chad: My town's been brainwashed.

Slush: Oh, that's why I moved out of Scotland. Go ahead and come in...

(Chad comes in.)

Chad: So, anyway, my entire town wants me to watch the Donkey Kong Country cartoon show because it brainwashed them all and they wanted me to be brainwashed too...

Slush: Chad, remember that time we had that talk about the Devil's nose candy?

Chad: I'm not high! This stuff is real!

Slush: I'm sorry, but it sounds kind of fake...

Our Friend: (From Chad's pocket) Where the heck am I?

(Chad takes the camera out of his pocket.)

Chad: We're at Slush's house because my town's gone wack-o.

Our Friend: It was wack-o before.

Slush: Hi, Our Friend!

Chad: So anyway, I think that King K. Rool may've brainwashed my town.

Slush: ... what?

Chad: The timevine? Remember, big lizard in plane from Africa...

Slush: Oh my God! It's like we're in Conspiracy Theory without Julia Roberts... unless Our Friend wanted to...

Chad: Slush!

Slush: I'm sorry, it's very late...

Our Friend: Excuse me, but how do you suppose we get rid of K. Rool?

Chad: Well, one individual has always been able to stop him...

(Much later, in Africa...)

Chad: Okay, if our calculations are correct, Donkey Kong Island is right here...

Steve Irwin: Aye, today we're in bloody Africa looking for apes...

Slush: Hey, it's Ben!

Chad: No, that's disrespected Austrailian Steve Iriwin, a.k.a The Crocodile Hunter!

Steve Irwin: G'day, mates!

Slush: Hey, Croc Hunter, have you seen a society of large talking gorillas anywhere near here?

Steve Irwin: Aye, hasn't anyone told you boys to say no to drugs?

Our Friend: We're not high, we're looking for Donkey Kong.

Steve Irwin: Aye, it's a talking camera! Get a shot o' this, Terri!

Our Friend: How about you get a shot o' this!

(Our Friend takes a picture of Steve knocking him out. The gang tries to run when they're knocked down by someone.)

Chad: What the--

Ben: I'm sorry, I was trying to sabatoge the Croc Hunter's sho... (noticing the camera) are you--

Slush: Ben?

Ben: Slush?

Chad: Ben?

Ben: Eddie Munster?

Chad: Why does no one think I look like Chad?

No one: Because I'm blind, do you have a problem with that?

Chad: Uh... no.

Ben: What are you guys doing here?

Slush: K. Rool's brainwashing Chad's town.

Ben: Ah.

Chad: We figured we'd get Donkey to save the world.

Ben: You mean this is Donkey Kong Island?

Chad: Yup.

Ben: Cool!

(The four walk around until they finally see the famed gorilla... Donkey Kong!)

Chad: D-d-d-d-donkey?

Donkey: Yeah?

Slush: H-h-hello, Mr. K-k-kong... I'm Slush, these are my associates. We own a website dedicated to your adventures...

Donkey: Oh, so you're those DKVine guys?

Ben: Yeah.

Chad: Uh, anyway, K. Rool's taking over the United States, and we were wondering if you would--

Donkey: Oh, no way. I'm sorry, but since K. Rool left, it's been so peaceful. I'm spending more time with Candy, I don't have to worry about Kremlings stealing my stuff, and for the first time in a while, I can just relax.

Slush: Come on, though, how are we gonna' get rid of him?

Donkey: That's not my problem.

Chad: But... you're not even going to help us?

Donkey: I'm sorry, but I really don't want to... here, take this.

(Donkey hands the guys some balloons.)

Donkey: As long as you have these, you can fight K. Rool and if you die, you'll come right back.

Slush: Thanks... I guess.

Donkey: Now you go get that big lizard.

(Later, in the car as it moves to Chad's house.)

Ben: Well, that was a rip-off.

Slush: Who'd have thought that DK was such a sell-out?

Chad: I didn't even get any hot-pockets.

Our Friend: So, you guys really think you can take down the big guy all by yourselves?

Slush: Donkey gave us the balloons.

(The car enters Chad's town.)

Chad: Alright guys, let's go for it.

(They all get out of the car.)

Ben: Where do you suppose Rool's at?

Chad: Well, and educated man would say City Hall, but I'll say Wal*Mart.

Slush: Hee hee hee, that star looks like a Blair Witch thingy.

(Ben puts the 4th wall back up.)

(The gang goes to the local Wal*Mart.)

Chad: Ah, the Wal*Mart. Full of depressed single mothers, bratty children, and elderly greeters.

Greeter: Hello, sonny. We're part of the Kremling Army. Care to join us?

Ben: No, thank you.

(The gang walks to the games section where they find a group of children who've become zombies looking the Donkey Kong show on a TV.)

Slush: This is definetly bad.

K. Rool: What can I do for you gentlemen?

Chad: Let us kick your arse.

Our Friend: I got this one guys...

(Our Friend takes a picture of K. Rool.)

Slush: You can't expect that to work every time.

Our Friend: Is there a law against me expecting it?

K. Rool: So, you're here to defeat me, eh? Guards, take care of them...

(A group of Kremlings come forward.)

Chad: Oh balls.

Slush: How the hell do we beat these guys?

Ben: I got an idea.

(Ben kicks the Kremling in the balls.)

Slush: What the hell?

Ben: Hey, it worked didn't it?

(Chad, Slush, and Ben begin kicking the Kremlings in the balls.)

Our Friend: Excuse me, but how the hell am I supposed to kick some Kremling arse when I'm an inanimate object?

(Our Friend takes pictures of the battle.)

Our Friend: Ya, ya!

(All the Kremlings fall to the ground.)

K. Rool: Okay, so you've beaten my Kremlings. Now how will you defeat me?

(Ben kicks K. Rool in the balls and his foot gets hurt.)

Ben: It ain't gonna' work.

Chad: Uh... I suppose you don't wanna' kart race...

K. Rool: You ignorant fools had better just give up...

Slush: Wait a second...

(Slush picks up a TV monitor with the Donkey Kong show on it and shows it to K. Rool.)

K. Rool: Noooooooooooooooooooo!

(K. Rool runs away before it does any damage. The gang go outside to see K. Rool heading off in an airplane.)

Chad: Alright, we won!

Slush: This junk is too phat!

Ben: But your town is still full of zombies...

Chad: Oh well, who cares?

Slush: Wait a second, this means the DKU is real! And the enemies are trying to defeat us now! We have to tell the world!

(Later that day...)

Ben: Okay, here's some e-mail we have about the update we made today. It says, "I thought your update was very funny, but why did you include a Crocodile Hunter pic?"

Chad: Aw, krap, we put the wrong pic with it.

Slush: Plus, he thought it was funny.

Chad: Well, it doesn't matter what he thinks. Come on guys, we have to save the world. We'll be like... The Lone Gunmen, or The Ghostbusters... or...

Slush: MOONMAN.

Ben: Alright, guys, I'm in. So how're we gonna' expose all this?

Chad: Let's head to Rare...

(And so Chad, Slush, and Aussie Ben head off to Rare...)

DKVine Adventure Archives ERROR: Random File Unopenable

ERROR: Random File Unopenable

The random file, as specified in the $random_file perl variable was unopenable.

The file was not found on your file system. This means that it has either not been created or the path you have specified in $trrandom_file is incorrect.