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The random file, as specified in the $random_file perl variable was unopenable.

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DKVine Adventures
Episode 2: Rare
by Ivytoise2001

Singers: (On radio) Because a bugger-boo just ain't coo, you're a bugger-boo, a bugger-boo...

Slush: Do we have to keep listening to this stupid CD?

Ben: Are you dissing my Now 167,000 That's What I Call Austrailian Pop Music CD?

Chad & Slush: No.

Ricky Martin: (On radio) Woke up in Sydney, Austrailia, took me a sleeping pill...

Our Friend: So, where exactly is Rare HQ?

Slush: I don't remember... maybe it's in there!

(The car stops and everyone walks into a pub.)

Slush: (To bartender) Excuse me, but this wouldn't be the Rare office would it?

Bartender: Ay, therareofficebeoffbydahillamileaminuteifyoucallthefograbbits, ypa!

Slush: ... what the hell did you just say?

Chad: Hey, Slush, don't worry about Rare, this place is alright!

Our Friend: (With a crowd of ladies) Come on, ladies, you can't ALL grope me...

(One woman smiles letting the gang see the horror of a British smile...)

Chad: Oh my God, we gotta' get the hell out of here!

(Later...)

Slush: Now, I'm telling you, this place has to be Rare HQ.

(Chad, Slush, Ben, and Our Friend go into a large castle.)

Guard: Excuse me, but where fort are you gentlemen going?

Slush: We want some taxi se--

Chad: What Slush here is trying to say is, is this the game headquarters for Rare?

Guard: I'm afraid not, old boy...

Chad: Do you by any chance know where the offices for Rare would be?

Guard: No... but I may know someone who does...

(The gang walk into a room where the Queen is playing Conker's Bad Fur Day.)

Ben: Are you playing Conker's Bad Fur Day?

Slush: Yeah, it said so in the parentheses.

Queen: What do you people want? As you can see, I'm fairly busy trying to beat a large pile of sh*t.

(Slush punches the Queen.)

Slush: Conker's Bad Fur Day is not a large pile of sh*t!

Chad: I think she was talking about the Great Mighty Poo.

Slush: Oh... uh... let's get back in the car!

(Chad, Slush, Ben, and Our Friend run out to the car.)

Guard: What is the meaning of this?

Slush: I think I killed that old lady.

Guard: Not again...

(Meanwhile, somewhere else...)

Queen: Where am I?

Gregg: Hello? Oh, well if it isn't the Queen of England! I hardly get any celebrities down here!

Queen: What's going on?

Gregg: You're dead. Yeah, I know, boo-hoo, but deal with it. So as long as your not a video game character of some sort, off you go to burn in Hell. Have a nice eternity!

(The Queen falls down a trapdoor.)

Gregg: Ah, death is good... now, who's next on the list... oh, it's Chad McCanna! Goody goody... wait a second, death by computer explosion? He's nowhere near a computer. Oh, God... he's gonna' fire me if I don't get this guy's soul. Hm...

(Back in the land of the living, the DKVine crew has finally reached their destination.)

Chad: Man, we almost never got here.

Slush: Hey, I don't mind. That last place we went to was pretty arousing.

Ben: Oh yeah, that place we just went to after the Queen of England and before Rare HQ would've given this episode an M Rating for sure.

Chad: Oh well, maybe on the very special DKVine Adventures Too Hot For Cyberspace DVD.

Slush: Now let's concentrate on getting in...

Ben: Come on, that's easy...

(The guys walk in. Gary Coleman jumps out.)

Chad: AAAAAHHHHHH! It's Webster!

Slush: Is there a reason that Gary Coleman's been a guest star in almost every show?

Gary Coleman: Watchu talkin' 'bout, Slush?

Ben: Well, Mr. Coleman, we'll just be going now...

Gary Coleman: Yeah, right! They hired me at security for a reason!

Chad: You're right... they didn't even hire you. Your uniform says K-Mart on it.

Gary Coleman: Don't make me call back-up!

Chad: Who you gonna' call?

Gary Coleman: T!!!

(Mr. T walks in.)

Mr. T: Is you foos messin' wit Gary?

Slush: Well, uh...

Chad: You know, we, uh...

Ben: No, I mean, uh...

(Our Friend snaps a pic of Mr. T.)

Mr. T: I pity 'da foo who take a picture of Mr. T!

Chad: Please don't hurt us...

Mr. T: I'm sorry, but Mr. T can't be helluva tough if he beat you.

(Mr. T picks up Gary Coleman and throws him at everyone. Hours later...)

Slush: (Regaining conscienceness) Where am I? Chad? Ben? Our Friend?

Our Friend: I'm still here...

(Slush picks up Our Friend, who is now a dismembered camera.)

Slush: Oh no... where's Ben?

Our Friend: They took him to some other area...

Slush: (Looking at Chad) Is he okay?

Our Friend: I dunno. He's still unconscience. I can't check his pulse, since I'm an inaninmate object.

Slush: That never stopped Franky the Pitchfork.

(Slush takes Chad's pulse.)

Slush: Oh no...

Our Friend: He's--

Slush: Yeah, he's...

(Elsewhere...)

Gregg: ... dead. Well, Mr. McCanna, we almost had quite a mix-up. You almost didn't die at your time...

Chad: Then isn't it kind of illegal for you to kill me?

Gregg: Oh no, no. And believe me, I know about the legalities of stuff like this. Yes, old Gregg has spent many a day in the Death Prison Camp. Bubba told me he was just my special friend, well special friends don't do krap like that! And then after everything, he never called! He never called!

Chad: Well, whether it's legal or not, I have this balloon that Donkey Kong gave me...

Gregg: No, not a bloody extra life!

Chad: Sorry, Gregg, but it's just not your lucky day.

Gregg: You haven't seen that last of me, McCanna! I'll be back!

(Back with Slush...)

Slush: Oh... why? Why, Chad, why?!

(Slush hits Chad in pain just as Chad's soul returns to his body.)

Chad: Why what?

Slush: Oh my God! You're alive! I have the hands of God!

Chad: No, act...

Our Friend: Just let him have this, Chad. He doesn't have a lot else...

Chad: You're right.

Slush: Watch out evil-doers, because the hands of God will smite you, and they are attached to my wrists!

Our Friend: We need to find Ben.

Chad: Right.

(Chad, Slush, and Our Friend hurry out of the room they're in. They see a door that says KEEP OUT.)

Ben: (From inside door) That was fantastic...

(Chad opens the door to see Ben lying in a bed.)

Ben: Hey, guys! Guess what! Perfect Dark is real, too!

Slush: You mean you--

(Elvis comes up from under the covers.)

Ben: Hey... you're not Joanna... AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

(Ben hurries out of the room.)

Chad: ...

Slush: ...

Our Friend: ...

Ben: ...

Chad: ...

Slush: ...

Our Friend: ...

Ben: ...

Chad: ...

Slush: ...

Our Friend: ...

Ben: ...

Chad: ...

Slush: ...

Our Friend: ...

Ben: ...

Chad: Never gonna' be the same again, is it?

Slush: Nope...

Chad: ...

Slush: ...

Our Friend: ...

Ben: ...

Our Friend: Wait a second, why was Elvis at Rare HQ?

(Everyone walks into a room marked TOP SECRET. They go inside to see a bunch of tubes that hold the cast of Jet Force Gemini, Perfect Dark, and Micky Mouse.)

Chad: Oh my God...

Slush: What is this?

Loveday: I can answer that...

All: Loveday???

Loveday: So, you're those DKVine buggers? I guess you know about Donkey Kong being real? Well, see, we at Rare thought that we could make original games without acting them out like the DKU. But all the games were just boring. So we made the actual characters.

Slush: But how?

Loveday: Cloning.

Ben: But that's playing God!

Loveday: Is there a law against playing God?

(Lightning comes into the room and strikes Loveday.)

Loveday: That's probably just a coincidence. Who's to say there even is a God?

(Lightning strikes Loveday again.)

Loveday: I don't care! I can get fried to death, I still get the money!

Chad: But it's wrong!

Loveday: Well, then you're wrong for playing the games!

Chad: I'm sorry, but I have to do this...

(Chad rushes to the controls to the chambers encasing the Rare characters.)

Loveday: Then I have to do this!

(Gary Coleman walks in. Loveday throws him at Chad.)

Gary Coleman: Watchu talkin' 'bout, Loveday?

Loveday: Are you two going to bother me?

Our Friend: It's three!

Slush: And no, we won't.

(Slush and Ben walk out with Our Friend.)

Ben: So Chad's dead again...

Slush: Damn that little midget! I'll give him a Differ'nt Stroke!

(Elsewhere...)

Chad: We've been through this...

Gregg: Yes, but now I have your balloon.

Chad: What?

Gregg: I'm sorry, but now you're toast.

Chad: No...

Gregg: Go to Hell, Chad.

(Chad falls down a trapdoor.)

TO BE CONTINUED

DKVine Adventure Archives ERROR: Random File Unopenable

ERROR: Random File Unopenable

The random file, as specified in the $random_file perl variable was unopenable.

The file was not found on your file system. This means that it has either not been created or the path you have specified in $trrandom_file is incorrect.