ERROR: Random File Unopenable

The random file, as specified in the $random_file perl variable was unopenable.

The file was not found on your file system. This means that it has either not been created or the path you have specified in $trrandom_file is incorrect.

DKVine Adventures
Episode 3: Rumble in the Afterlife
by Ivytoise2001

ANNOUNCER: Last time DK Vine Adventures left off, Chad had died, and the rest of the crew had escaped from Rare HQ. Andrey had not yet been introduced. And now we continue, with DK Vi--

(STEVE BUSCEMI shoots the ANNOUNCER. Back at the DKVine HQ...)

SLUSH: Hey, Ben, when the hell did we get an HQ?

BEN: Remember, that whore gave it to you after you returned her whore makeup.

SLUSH: Oh yeah.

OUR FRIEND: Who the f--- cares? We gotta' get Chad back!

SLUSH: He's dead! We can't get him back!

OUR FRIEND: You're talking to a camera inhabited soul, dipshit.

SLUSH: So?

OUR FRIEND: So, I wasn't born from a camera. They're inanimate objects, dumbass.

BEN: Is there any way to get him to stop swearing and tell us what he's talking about?

(ANDREY walks in.)

ANDREY: I can help you!

BEN: Who the hell are you?

ANDREY: I'm a lover of DKU games just like you, and conveniently I know how to bring folks back from the dead.

SLUSH: Uh... okay.

ANDREY: I've gotten Gregg to give me a couple souls before, just by shooting some cats.

BEN: So how does this all work?

ANDREY: One of you is going to have to kill me.

BEN: You're asking us to murder you? We aren't just going to do that? We think things through at DKVine! We won't fall into your little murder scheme--

(BEN notices SLUSH has already cut through ANDREY.)

SLUSH: What?

(Elsewhere...)

GREGG: Hm... who's next? Ah, well if it isn't Mr. Presley again? Why won't you stay dead?

(ANDREY falls in on ELVIS.)

GREGG: Andrey? What do you want now?

ANDREY: Chad McCanna's soul.

GREGG: No, I'm finished! I'll get fired if I give you anymore souls.

ANDREY: Come on; I'll shoot six cats.

GREGG: No!

ANDREY: I'll shoot any cat you want.

GREGG: No... wait, any cat?

ANDREY: Any cat.

(GREGG gets a picture of a white tiger.)

ANDREY: I mean any little cat...

GREGG: No, only this one will do. This tiger is the one thing that's standing between me and a hige amount of souls. It's Sigfreid and Roy's tiger, Snuffles.

ANDREY: How does Sigfried & Roy's cat stand between you a bunch of souls?

GREGG: If this cat dies, Sigfried & Roy will become so angry because they cannot perform several of their... activities, that they will take over the world as gay rulers, and millions will be killed, or kill themselves because of this new Sigfried & Roy world.

ANDREY: Okay, I'll do it.

(Back at the DKVine HQ...)

BEN: I'm telling you, it was probably some sick plan to get a bunch of money for one of his friends.

(ANDREY gets up.)

BEN: AAAHHH!

SLUSH: I told you he was telling the truth.

BEN: Did you really talk to Gregg?

ANDREY: Yeah.

SLUSH: Doesn't your hole hurt?

ANDREY: Is that some kind of sick joke?

SLUSH: No.

ANDREY: Anyway, Gregg says that we can get Chad back, but we have to kill Sigfreid & Roy's tiger.

BEN: And until then, where's Chad?

(Down below, CHAD wakes up slowly in a strange new cavernous world.)

CHAD: Where am I?

(CHAD looks around and sees a lot of people sleeping in the cavern.)

CHAD: This is too weird... it is hot as Hell down here.

(CHAD sees a door with a dimly lit sign over it. He walks in to find a bar full of people. He walks up to the bartender. The bartender turns around to reveal himself to be a demon.)

CHAD: Aw crap!

RON: Hi, I'm Ron the Demon. I own this here bar.

CHAD: Am I in Hell?

RON: Nope, yer' in the finest bar in Hell.

CHAD: Yeah, but the finest bar in Hell would have to be in Hell, wouldn't it?

RON: ... you tryin' to get smart with me, boy?

CHAD: Uh... no?

(A grim reaper person runs in. He looks a bit like GREGG but taller.)

GARY: Are you Chad McCanna?

CHAD: Yes.

GARY: My name is Gary, I'm Gregg's older brother! Quickly now, we must go!

(GARY smacks CHAD. CHAD closes his eyes. When he opens them, they have both been transported from Hell to a place of complete blackness.)

CHAD: What's going on?

GARY: Gregg is going to let you go if your friends can kill a tiger!

CHAD: Alright!

GARY: No! It's not alright! If you leave, Gregg will be fired, and I can't let that happen!

CHAD: So you want me to stay in Hell for all eternity to save your brother?

GARY: Well, you do have a certain love for DKU characters.

CHAD: You read DKVine?

GARY: Yes, it's a very big site in the Afterlife.

CHAD: Huh. I didn't know that.

GARY: Didn't know? It's where most of your readers come from. Okay, well back to the point, you wouldn't have to go to Hell for eternity. I could let you go to Heaven.

CHAD: That sounds nice, but I really don't want to stay dead. I mean, eternity's a long time.

GARY: Oh, just stay there until your friends get back.

CHAD: Fine. Hey, Gary, before you leave, just tell me something. Are you really Gregg's brother?

GARY: ... no.

CHAD: You're his gay lover, aren't you?

GARY: ... yes.

CHAD: That's what I thought.

(Meanwhile, back in the realm of the living... the living DKVine crew is heading to Las Vegas.)

OUR FRIEND: I can't wait to pick up some ho's in Las Vegas!

SLUSH: They don't even have camera ho's.

OUR FRIEND: Sure they do, they just hide. Waiting for me to come and seek...

BEN: Well, we're not uncomfortable at all.

ANDREY: Hey, guys, are you sure you want to save Chad?

SLUSH: Yeah.

ANDREY: Well, there might be some side effects.

BEN: You mean like Chad still decomposing even after he comes back to life?

SLUSH: That'll look too cool.

ANDREY: No, he shouls compose himself right back to normal. Anyway, what I'm saying is--

SLUSH: BIG RED HAWAIIAN PENIS!!!

ANDREY: No.

SLUSH: But I'll bet you'd like to be saying that.

ANDREY: Yes, I would, but this is serious! If we save Chad, then Sigfried & Roy are going to take over the world and kill millions of people.

SLUSH: ... are they going to make me get a boyfriend?

OUR FRIEND: (In British accent) Like ya' don't already have one, eh, govnah'.

BEN: Damn. He was rewired to sound like a dirty chimney sweep again!

OUR FRIEND: I'll sweep yer' chimney if you'll dust me candlestick!

ANDREY: Alright, we're in Las Vegas!

SLUSH: How'd we get here so fast?

ANDREY: I took the same sewer that Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker did in Rush Hour 2.

(Outside of the vehicle, CHAN & TUCKER are in front.)

CHAN: You go this way, I go dat way!

TUCKER: You go this way, I go dat way?

(CHAN & TUCKER both go seperate ways. TUCKER gets hit.)

CHAN: Ha ha ha ha! I make funny black man get hit! Now Jackie Chan be only star of Rush Hour 3!

(Meanwhile, in Heaven...)

CHAD: So, how've you been? We haven't seen you on Earth since the 80's.

STATION: Station!

CHAD: Yeah, great. Where the hell is Slush?

(In Las Vegas, everyone is behind the scenes at a Sigfreid & Roy show.)

SLUSH: So, this is the place. All we've got to do is kill the gay tiger.

BEN: We don't know that the tiger is gay.

SLUSH: Why are you sticking up for the gay tiger?

BEN: Because it might not be gay.

SLUSH: Yeah, but it probably is.

BEN: You don't know that.

SLUSH: Look, Ben's really sticking up for this! Ben is a gay tiger lover!

BEN: I am not!

SLUSH: You love gay tigers!

BEN: I do not!

(SNUFFLES comes up and eats Ben... whole, not in that way.)

ANDREY: There's Snuffles!

(ANDREY gets out a bazooka.)

SLUSH: But wait a minute, if you kill him, you'll kill Ben, too!

ANDREY: That's a chance I'm willing to take...

(ANDREY shoots SNUFFLES. Suddenly, ANDREY, CHAD, SLUSH, OUR FRIEND, BEN, SNUFFLES, & GREGG are all in the same room.)

GREGG: Well, if it isn't Snuffles! You've lived out your last life, you cat bastard!

(SNUFFLES falls down a trap door.)

GREGG: Yes, now I'll just wait for the souls to pour in!

(A light shines down.)

VOICE OF GOD: The jig is up, Gregg!

GREGG: Um... what jig? Nothing's going on here!

VOICE OF GOD: Yes it is! You were going to give out my souls to that idiot, Andrey!

ANDREY: I've been called an idiot by my creator! My life is fulfilled...

VOICE OF GOD: Gregg, I would demote you, but you've already got the lowest job available. You must forever live with knowing I'm very disappointed in you.

GREGG: Oh...

VOICE OF GOD: As for the DKVine crew, you've proven too wreckless for the Afterlife!

SLUSH: What are you talking about?

VOICE OF GOD: Chad caused millions of dollars of damage in Heaven! I hearby proclaim that you are banished from the Afterlife forever!

GREGG: What about Sigfreid & Roy?

VOICE OF GOD: They wouldn't take over the world anyway, Gregg! They're the richest gay couple in the world, they can buy a new tiger!

(Suddenly, CHAD, SLUSH, AUSSIE BEN, OUR FRIEND, & ANDREY appear back in DKVine HQ.)

SLUSH: Alright, not only did we get Chad back from the dead, we got immortal!

CHAD: Yeah, but isn't being immortal kind of depressing? I mean, we're going to be on Earth for all eternity.

AUSSIE BEN: Well, Chad, I don't think there's any place I'd rather be.

CHAD: Well said.

AUSSIE BEN: Wait a second, there are lots of places I'd rather be. Shit.

THE END

DKVine Adventure Archives ERROR: Random File Unopenable

ERROR: Random File Unopenable

The random file, as specified in the $random_file perl variable was unopenable.

The file was not found on your file system. This means that it has either not been created or the path you have specified in $trrandom_file is incorrect.