03/31/00
Not much of an update besides odds and ends tonight. I tweaked the Donkey Kong, Dixie Kong, Kiddy Kong, and K. Rool bios some, and added more Mario Golf (GBC) characters to the Big Ol' Donkey Kong Character List Singles Version (In English). Now, are you ready....it has nothing to do with Donkey Kong and is a waste of time....but here it is....the Evil Amoeba versus Unibrow Da Ghetto. This feud started when Chad started talking to me about the Evil Amoeba one night. I told him the Evil Amoeba wasn't funny and I hated him, so Chad brought the Amoeba to Updates for several days with several unfunny and irrelevant poses. I then said I had a challenger for the Evil Amoeba, and two days later I introduced Unibrow Da Ghetto, a bad arse from the streets of Miami, Florida. Unibrow made the challenge for a fight tonight with the Amoeba. The winner gets to stay on our site and continue to appear in various crap for as long as it wants. The loser has to leave our site forever, never showing his face again. Who will win? Let's get some opinions from the staff...
Chad: It seems to be an even match. I wouldn't bet on either side without first doing "eeny-meeny-miney-moe".
Our Friend: What the f--k are you asking me for Slush? This has nothing to do with Donkey Kong. Stop trying to put your own idiotic creations over and get back to the topic of the site.
And as for me, I know I should be behind Unibrow Da Ghetto. However, I hate him more than I hate the Evil Amoeba. He's even less funny and even more pointless. But yet, I want to see Evil Amoeba get the beating of a lifetime. So I will AND won't be happy either way. Now, here's Micro Buffer for the introductions....
Micro Buffer: Tonight, we will witness a bout between the two most annoying creations ever on a videogame related website. These two titans will collide FOR THE RIGHT TO STAY ON DONKEY KONG'S JUNGLE VINE!!!! Are you ready? For the thousands three in attendance, and the millions thousands watching around the world....ladies and gentlemen......let's get ready to RUMMMBBLLEEE!!!!! So click on the picture and witness Weinermania 2000!!!
Update by Slush.



03/30/00
Well, the day of the big fight is near. Tomorrow Evil Amoeba and Unibrow da Ghetto will face off for the biggest duel in the Vine's history. Anyway, to unclog our e-mail boxes for no apparent reason, there's a shiny new Letters to drool over, and then you can wipe the saliva from your chin with a new Artwork. I wish I had a life-size Mumbo stuffed animal. I would stick it on a pole in my front yard to ward off toilet-papering hooligans.
Update by Chad.



03/29/00
This just in: Dan and Trevor from Gun Toting Retro Net have just been found high, drunk, and naked in a bar down in Cancun called "The Upside Down Purple Triangle Bar" (okay, so my Spanish is poor, but that's the best translation I could do) in their refusual to update during Spring Break. Well guess what? I'm off for Spring Break too, and you don't see me slacking (much). Even if we know the update is going to suck, we update. Anyway, enough Rarenet mocking (they don't even know we exist, that's how we get away with it....those Perfect Dark loving DK64 hating twits). Tonight we have another trivia game, the Banjo-Kazooie editon of Swanky's Strife. Well, now that the update is done, I can party. Don't laugh at me....I know how to party. Hey...shut up!!!
Update by Slush.



03/28/00
As Evil Amoeba's personal manager, I will read from a statement he has prepared earlier in response to Mr. Ghetto. "What? Dammit, Chad, I can't make a statement now, I'm training for the 31st. F--- off." So there you have it, folks. And in light of the War of the Crackheaded Site Things, there's a new artwork down in the ol' Artwork Bin. And I suppose it's worth mentioning that Nintnedo Power Source has a little Mario Party / Mario Party 2 Survey going on. They had a Smash Bros. one earlier that led us to believe that SSB2 was in the works. Could there be plans for Mario Party 3? Yeah, I hope so too.
Update by Chad.



03/27/00
'Yo yo yo, I'm Unibrow Da Ghetto, and I truly represent.  Amoeba, I want YOU on March 31st in a rumble to decide who gets to stay on 'da site, cracka!' While I'm feeling the goodness of Spring Break, Chad and I sliced out the Diddy Kong Racing edition of Swanky's Strife. It appears to be dead quiet on the news front as well, so sorry to dissapoint all you hogs who like your daily dose of news slop. Oh, and here is the challenger to that fruit bootie Evil Amoeba....
Update by Slush.



03/26/00
So, Slush still hates Evil Amoeba? Oh, well, I tried. Anyway, since you're obviously not watching the incredibly boring Academy Awards, we decided to throw our own little awards ceremony. So sit back and relax for the First Annual Arseademy Awards! Wheeooeee!
Update by Chad.



03/25/00
We are on another stretch of zero news, and we have zero motivation today, but we do have a RUMOR that is probably full of crap. This RUMOR probably started out as some loser's theory anyway, but it does sound interesting and has logic behind it. The RUMOR is about how to get the Ice Key and two "?" Eggs that Mumbo shows you in B-K when B-T is released. Remember when Nipper said in Treasure Trove Cove that you wouldn't find anything without his help, and then Kazooie opened her mouth and P.O.ed him? And remember in Freezeezy Peak when Wozza was terrified of Banjo? And of course you should remember how Gobi has a hatred for both bear and bird. Well, with the ability to seperate the two in Banjo-Tooie, what if you could go back to Banjo-Kazooie as say, only Banjo, and get Nipper (who hates Kazooie) to agree to raise Sharkfood Island for you? What if you could go back to Freezeezy Peak as just Kazooie and get Wozza to agree to open the Ice Key passageway in his cave for you? And what if you could go back to Gobi's Valley (after you chase Gobi out of the Lava World and he returns to his desert home) as MUMBO and get Gobi to open the door for you? We told you it was interesting. And remember, Nipper is the only boss that in B-K that didn't go away after you beat him. So he could serve a purpose, no? Maybe this RUMOR is on to something. Oh yeah, and Chad....I still hate the Evil Amoeba. I mean, what the @#%@#$@ is it supposed to represent? The low moral standards of Western Civilization? I'm sorry, but I've got a challenger for "Evil Amoeba" that will dethrone him as the most pointless thing on the site. Oh yes, just wait until you see him...
Update by Slush.



03/24/00
Well, today I've done something which I should have done long ago... I got a social life typed up my Banjo-Kazooie Brentilda Clues for the world to see. The list is not exclusive to Slush and I, you know. Anyone can send in what their clues were. A few days ago we reported that Camelot was working on a possible Mario Golf 2. However, yesterday, they announced that it was not a Mario Golf game, but one of their own franchises instead. And this is the LAST EVIL AMOEBA PICTURE! Here he is, in full rendered glory! Tomorrow hopefully we will see if Slush's opinion of the devilish little moneran has changed at all. Yes.
Update by Chad.



03/23/00
Hidey ho. Well, I typed up a Mario Golf (Game Boy Color) Review that may be of your interest if you want to know what I think of the game, and that's.....it for the night. Oh yeah, I should report that over at Rarewhere, Loved...er, Uncle Tusk said in his recent editon of "Ask Uncle Tusk" that the mystery pillar in Creepy Castle for DK64 fame is there for a reason...or at least it was. Seems it doesn't lead to some fancy pantsy Lost World, but was there for a reason that later got removed. Loveda...um, Tusk did say that the Lost World can be found "up your bottom" though, so I suggest we take his word seriously.
Richard Simmons: Bend over and let me look for the LOOOST WOOORRLLDD!!
AAAAAHHHH!!!
Update by Slush.



03/22/00
Hmm. Let's see what's on the ol' itinerary for Updates. It seems that March 22 is listed as "Updated Artwork Day". I believe there are four new scribbles and scans in the interrogation chamber this time. It seems that Mario Golf could have a sequel in the works, as Camelot has announced a new N64/GBC game that utilizes the Transfer Pak, just like the Mario Golf duo. We'll keep you updated as more details are cleared up. And it seems that Evil Amoeba was once worshipped by a primitive Central-African tribe, as this cave drawing depicts.
Update by Chad.



03/21/00
Hey everybody! I'm back home from 7-Eleven, as I managed to slip out in the middle of a 2 AM robbery this morning. Today we present yet another edition of Letters, or as I like to call this one, Letters: America's Infatuation With Australia In The Late '80s. Paul Hogan would be proud.
Update by Slush.



03/20/00
Wahay! Tonight we've got an update that should have been made a long time ago. We suddenly stopped Swanky's Strife with Donkey Kong Country 3 and left everybody drooling for more. Well, here it is, at long last, not only Mario Kart 64 Swanky's Strife, but Donkey Kong Land III Swanky's Strife! Yahee! And today's picture of Evil Amoeba shows him reproducing. I'm not sure if asexual splitting counts as porn, but either way, there it is!
Update by Chad.



03/19/00
I'm still stuck behind the Slurpee machine, trying to get my release from the "hospital," but they don't believe I'm sane enough yet. So everybody who gives a rat's arse thank Chad for doing the MEAT of the update tonight. It's the UPDATED Banjo-Tooie Screenshot Analysis. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to sleep on the filthy 7-Eleven floor now. Goodnight.
Update by Slush.



03/18/00
I'm back! I'm back! I saw the havok Our Friend caused and glared angrily at him. I fixed the Games Page he sold to Satan, then took a belt to his LCD screen. Capital punishment is an effective tool indeed. Today features quite a nice update, actually. First, the big news...Slush, Our Friend, and I have new e-mail addresses! Finally we no longer have to get harassed for using AOL. You can write us at SirSlush2@dkvine.com, OurFriend@dkvine.com, and Chad@dkvine.com. Huzzah! And several days ago there were some new B-T shots released, but since the games page was rather out of comission, Slush couldn't post them. But they're finally up at the Banjo-Tooie Screenshots page. And lastly, I discovered today that Slush doesn't like Evil Amoeba, from Letters fame. So in an act to change his opinions of everyone's favorite moneran, here's the first in a series of Evil Amoeba pictures to get him more acquainted with the little blobby fellow. Here you can see him enjoying a nice slice of pizza. Huzzah!
Update by Chad.



03/17/00
Well, as I type this in my local mental hospital (which is really just the space behind the Slurpee machine at the 7-Eleven 0.5 miles from my house), I desperatly look for news. Chad was supposed to be back tonight, but apparently that didn't pan out, and Our Friend is still being mischevious. Since you didn't come here to hear Perfect Dark news (and I sure as Hades won't report on any), you'll have to settle for this Donkey Kong Country (Game Boy Color) RUMOR that's been floating around the Vine for a day or two. The RUMOR is that the game will be a port of DKC, but with the oppurtunity to play not only as DK and Diddy, but the three new DK64 Kongs as well. I hate reporting on rumors that are probably false (because that makes us Rarenet), but when you're stuck behind a Slurpee Machine, the other guy that works on your site is MIA somewhere in "snow", and your digital camera is making deals with Satan and selling off pages off your site, what can you do? Not to mention it's St. Patrick's Day and everybody is drunk off their mustard. Hopefully Chad will return tomorrow to put an end to the madness that has resulted with me being in charge of the site. If not, then I'll just deliver hardcore pornography out of desperation to our loyal readers.
Update by Slush.



03/16/00
Man, everything is falling apart slowly but surely here at the Vine. Our Friend is threatening to sell ALL THE PAGES ON THE SITE to Satan now just as a fun prank, Satan has jacked up the price for buying back the Games page to a cool $300,000,000,000.666, and on top of that Gun Totng Retro Net has three new B-T screenshots that show two new characters (an old fox/weasel and Loveday as a snorkeling crack baby in a diaper in a cage) and Our Friend won't put the images on the Vine for me! Our Friend has taken the site by hostage and the only person who can stop him is his roomate, Chad! Quagle...heeehhererereeeere.....BLAAAHHH!!!
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SLUSH A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SLUSH A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SLUSH A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SLUSH A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SLUSH A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SLUSH A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SLUSH A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SLUSH A DULL BOY.
Well, here come the boys in the white suits! Okay, I'm going to take a small vacation right now....where I can take a nice long nap.....yes....with nice, reassuring SHOCK THERAPY!!!
Update by Slush.



03/15/00
WHAZZUP??? Before all of you go make your nightly booty calls, I guess it's worth mentioning that the FAQ has been updated with two new questions w/answers. And in case you were wondering, something IS wrong with the main Games page if you've tried visiting it within the last day or so. It's gone because Our Friend sold it to Satan for a night with Jennifer Aniston's digital camera. So now we're in the middle of trying to buy the Games page back from Satan, but I blew all my money on novelty underwear (Home of the Whopper, baby!), so I have to wait until Chad gets back to pay off the lord of darkness. See in you in 24 hours, then.
Update by Slush.



03/14/00
A special hello to all those sexy chicks out there. Yeah, I'm a regular stud muffin. No matter, here is the promised Feature entitled Booty Lube, Or Why I Stopped Worrying And Decided To Whine About GameShark. It's sure to be an enlightening read. Or a smooth read for all you sexy chicks out there...
Update by Slush.



03/13/00
What's up, slapnuts? Some very minuscule "news" today, and very irrelevant reporting on our part if you already read IGN on Friday. It looks like Dinosaur Planet, that mystery game from Rare, is indeed in development, and it has been confirmed by none other than Dolby Laboratories Pro Logic Surround Sound (who worked on DK64). Dinosaur Planet was included on their future games list, as well was Banjo-Tooie and Conker's Bad Fur Day. Now that we pretty much know the game is coming, the question of it's DKU ties is still floating above our heads. Tomorrow: a new Feature concerning Banjo, some infamous secrets, and a contract with Satan known as GameShark. See you then.
Update by Slush.



03/12/00
Tonight we have some Donkey Kong (for Game Boy Color) information. This has gone unnoticed by many, but in the most recent issue of Nintendo PropagandaPokebrainwashing Penal Erectile Dysfunction Power, on page 136 in the Game List under Upcoming Releases & Other Picks, the DK GBC game is titled under Donkey Kong Country (Game Boy). Now, we knew through our readers and telephone calls/e-mails to Nintendo that the Big N was referring to this game as Donkey Kong Country, but this is signifigant because it's actually listed in Nintendo Power as that. Previously, it was thought that perhaps a Nintendo employee saw a new DK game from Rare was coming and just typed Donkey Kong Country into their database (because of the Rare-DK connection and to seperate the fact that it wouldn't be an old arcade style DK game). Now that the name has made it into Nintendo's publication, an obvious question comes up: could this game actually be a port of DKC over to GBC? Stay tuned for details.
Update by Slush.



03/11/00
Well, this is my last update until next Friday. Slush told me that he would do all the updating for next week, so I can enjoy my FIRST TIME TO SEE SNOW without worry. I just hope he doesn't let Our Friend go to Tahiti. Last time he almost downloaded a virus. You just can't trust your image card to anyone these days... So I will leave you with the crappiest kind of update we'll ever have, two brand new Artworks! My jeans are covered in grass stains because I just got done mowing the lawn. Just thought I'd mention that for no good reason. Farewell. I hereby proclaim permission for Slush to update on my days........NOW.
Update by Chad.



03/10/00
C'mon, slapnuts, are you ready for a WEEKEND??? I have to spend my weekend in Pennsylvania (again), and I'm typing this up as I'm basically walking out the door. Anyhoo, tonight we have Letters once again, some more, and yet another time. Another spot of news is that Nintendo Power Source has launched something called a "Transfer Pak Tournament," where you could win a recently released Transfer Pak to swap your Mario Golf (GBC) characters onto your N64 and back! Oh, and I'm actually going to go to all the trouble to get my sports glove for my Mario Party damaged hand....wait, it's not a LATEX GLOVE? Uh...nevermind then....
Update by Slush.



03/09/00
Well, there's some good DKU news tonight. But before we get to that, there's some site buisness we must attend to. Slush will be gone tomorrow and Saturday, but gave me his portion of tomorrow's update so that will be taken care of. He'll return on Sunday. Ironically, I will be leaving on Sunday until the following Friday. In case you feel like prying, I will be skiing, and consequently seeing snow for the first time in my life. Polluted coastal cities don't tradtionally get very icy, you know. Slush will be doing the ENTIRE SITE starting on the Sunday of his return until the following Friday. Please don't think I'm dead. Our Friend will stay with him to take pictures. And now for the news. Recently, Nintendo was charged by the New York Attorney General's Office as making an unsafe game. This game was none other than Mario Party. The Spin the Control Stick games, to be specific. They cause rashs, blisters, bleeding, influenza in Pakistani-Americans, and may result in amputation in senior citizens. To prevent all this, owners of the game can send in anything to prove that they own the game (the UPC from the box, the front page of the manual, a reciept, etc.), trace their hand on paper, and call 1-800-521-0900. They will be sent a fingerless sports glove to protect from any of the aforementioned symptoms. I have my battle scar from Mario Party on the palm of my hand. Anyway, I want one of those gloves! WHOO!
Update by Chad.



03/08/00
Hello, world. Are you ready for the greatest thing you have EVER SEEN? Just click it and be amazed. This is the latest, most breaking news out there, and your jaws will drop in awe. Go on, click.....
Update by Slush.



03/07/00
Hello. I've gotten over my little absent Futurama stint. Tonight I decided to polish off Banjo-Kazooie for the first time in six months, so I could finally get the B-K portion of the Big Ol' Donkey Kong Character List: Drones Version (In English) done. I ended up adding our Mario Party and Super Smash Bros. friends to it as well. And I have the first B-K ending on video. Perhaps one day in the distant future the Vine will get a video capture device. No promises, though. But maybe.
Update by Chad.



03/06/00
Those evil DK64 hating munchkins over at Gun Toting Retro Net have reported some new news concerning the Donkey Kong Universe (because they're so buddy buddy with Rare, they brag every single night). It seems as if Banjo-Tooie is nearing the final stages of completion and will be entering bug testing soon. So don't worry, this game will not be delayed (glad we're not Perfect Dark fans..one more for the good guys, hooyah!). They also reported that Dino Planet will not be a Zelda-like game as they announced (hah, they reported their facts wrong again....c'mon Gun Toters, bring it on, BRING IT ON!!!). We still don't know if this game will be connected to DK in any way, but we'll keep you posted.
Update by Slush.



03/05/00
Blargh. It's a Sunday, but my television was not graced with my favorite TV show, Futurama. Why? Well, TV Guide magazine decided to host a stupid awards show. GREED wasn't even nominated for best game show, and Futurama was nominated for neither Best New Show nor Best Sci Fi Show. Ugh. I didn't keep the awards thing on long enough for the Animated Show category, but if there even was one, the now-crappy Simpsons probably won it. They should have stopped making new episodes when Season Nine was over. Wait, I almost forgot about tonight's update. My Mario Golf (Game Boy Color version) Review.
Update by Chad.



03/04/00
He'll never, ever blink... It's time for a triple threat! We've got the three favorite new heroes from DK64 in bio form, so take a gander at Lanky Kong, Tiny Kong, and Chunky Kong. Plus some more Mario Golf GBC characters have been added to the Big Ol' Donkey Kong Character List: Singles Version (In English), some things have been tweaked in the Big Ol' Donkey Kong Character List: Drones Version (In English) and KAOS's bio has been been updated to fit his now kingless status. Oooo! Oooo!!! Sorry, I just get excited about updating. AND THAT'S A FACT, JACK!
Update by Slush.



03/03/00
Finally, a Friday! Well, we were trying to think of something to update on (save bios), and we drifted to the Banjo-Tooie screenshots page. While there are no new shots to show, we did manage to scrap up a pretty little Banjo-Tooie Screenshot Analysis section. Well, I'm beginning to think of Monty Python quotes, but I'm sure you don't want to hear them, so I'll quit updating before I start quoting.
Update by Chad.



03/02/00
The foundation gets layed tonight for the Donkey Kong 64 Character Bios Section with the two DK64 personalities that got kicked to the curb by K. Rool: Chad wrote the Snide bio, I wrote the K. Lumsy bio. And remember, once you go up in your H-Bombs baby, you ain't never coming down.
Update by Slush.



03/01/00
MARCH!!! WHOOO!!! March rules because it's not February. Or something. Anyway, it's the first of the month. As always, our fancy textified section known as Accounts has been updated with a February edition, and all twenty-nine of last month's updates can be found hidden somewhere within the Updates Archives section. And now for a little fact about me to show you just how lame my life is. The only radio-broadcast song (because all my favorites are from DKU games) that I ever remotely liked is called Bittersweet Symphony. I don't know who plays it or anything. I just saw it at the end of that movie Cruel Intentions a few days ago. Cheers to you and your kin, then.
Update by Chad.




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