10/31/99
Cue the over the top scream. Signal the wolf howl. Hit the organ music. Because it's Halloween, and how else should you celebrate by hanging out with your Donkey Kong pals? We have a very horrifying feature for you today that you may or may not come back from. It's called Happy Halloween! Top Ten DKU Fearbringers. And please remember. If you dare venture into the darkness tonight, don't act homosexual. Vampires love that.
Update by Slush.



10/30/99
OOGEY BOOGEY! Heh mah hah! Nothing is more fun than randomly spurting out semi-scary interjections and laughing absent-mindedly about them. So, let's see how the DKL III section is coming, shall we? Well, lookie here! It seems my review is showing its contreversial face in the DKL III Reviews Section. But wait, there's more! It seems that Old Man General Game Info and Crotchety Old Mistress Story So Far are waltzing into the section as well. So by golly, you'd better look at it! And tomorrow is Halloween, which means we'll probably have some big thing for you, and that Slush will star in a game show called "Halloweenies" in which you must answer elsuive Halloween trivia questions. Or the latter might not happen.
Update by Chad.



10/29/99
Frakenstein is the doctor who made the creature, not the creature himself. Why did that bit of knowledge spurt itself from my mouth? Because it's Halloweekend of course. So before we shine the full moon on a DKU game, we have the updated, juiced up, beefy Donkey Kong Country 3 (Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!) Screenshots Section courtesy of Our Friend. Now, we're cooking up something different for Sunday's Halloween helliday, so we have a two day palooza of Donkey Kong Land III with, yes, the Donkey Kong Land III Screenshots Section. We also now welcome all Netscape users to our site, as today we are officially Netscape compatiable. And, I'm done questiong my Rarexuality, and have decided to remain Rarexual. Sigh. I should be grateful, seeing how I went 13 straight Scribes with my letters in it. That's a Scribes record, and I think I'll go for a new one. I'll see how many letters of mine Loveday can post in ONE edition of Scribes. I'll deliver such topical, hardhitting letters that he won't be able to decide! MARK MY WORDS, LOVEDAY!!!! THE DEMONS AREN'T DONE WITH YOU YET!!!! Oh yes, and please don't confuse demons with plasma-goblins. And don't confuse plasma-goblins with goblins. Are you now confusing goblins with hobgoblins? You're really bad at this Halloween trivia stuff. .
Update by Slush.



10/28/99
Yippie! I like to eat icecream! Oh, wait......I should probably l=talk about the updates today, eh? But ice cream... so.... tempting.... Anyhoo, we've splattered (I use that word a lot now, thanks to JFG) up the long overdue DKC3 General Game Info and Story So Far for you to snub, like a certain British website editor. And Slush is having trouble with his Rarexuality. It seems a certain L. Loveday.... wait, that's too obvious. It seems a Leigh L. has terminated his beautiful Scribes streak. Harg. So you can send all your hate mail to him. And isn't "Rarexuality" a lovely word?
Update by Chad.



10/27/99
Everybody loves a clown, so why don't you? A clown's got feelings too! Lalalalalalala.....my DKC3 Review is up and gurgling today. Hey, and only 25 more days until Bob Saget gets forced back into the shallow depths of the sewer where he spawned from.
Update by Slush.



10/26/99
I bet you're all squinty-eyed now! Ahahaha! So are we. Snoiky! A DK64 update, have we today? Well, you probably (or rather SHOULD) have noticed the brand new DK64 BOX ART to the right. LOOK!!! It's a combo of two of the renders in the DK64 Renders Section. The headlights on the minecart are off, but they're in the jungle. The jungle has also changed...some of the trees are gone. And look! Expansion Pak included, Rumble Pak compatible, 1-4 Player action, and a "BANANA YELLOW CARTRIDGE"! And K. Rool is there! Every Rare game featuring a Kong so far has had the box art pouring with stupid drones surrounding our heroes, but here, we're treated only to K. Rool. Could DK64 be the slate cleaner of the DKU, starting a new DKU era? Maybe...maybe not. You deicde. Wait, that was a bit too serious. Umm... I like to munch on calculators. There, how was that?
Update by Chad.



10/25/99
I've got Wario and I almost have Harry in Mario Golf, but a sad day in the "real" golfing world indeed. Rest in peace, Pane Stewart. Now then, time to get silly and stupid like WE LIKE IT. And judging from the death threats we recieve each day, you like DK64 info and plenty of it. Well, let's get frisky with some SCREENSHOTS, SCREENSHOTS, SCREENSHOTS!!!! Want to see an actual image of the Donkey Kong arcade game screen in DK64? We have it! Want to see a closer image of Candy talking to Donkey? We have it (Koko Kong my arse, it says Candy on her breasts!)! Want to see a close picture of a character switch barrel? We have it! Want to see a better picture of Enguarde? We have it! Want to see Shigeru Miyamoto wrestle Louie Anderson in a vat of mud? Freak!
Update by Slush.



10/24/99
Hey! We're still rolling onward with the DKC3 Weekend Palooza! In case you like to read reviews, take my DKC3 Review, you sack of lowlife scum! But if you hate our reviews, or are not a sack of lowlife scum, read it anyway! Slush is too busy burying rubber corpses in his front yard, so his review will appear in the days to come. And doesn't it make you mad that Futurama is pre-empted by stupid baseball twice, and the one week we get to see it, it's a stupid rerun with Pamela Anderson? And now X-Files is coming next week, so what's to happen of Futurama? I've taped every episode so far (Really! I have a tape labelled Futurama: Season 1) And I don't want to miss an episode of Season 2! Let's go spork the FOX Executives! That'll learn 'em! Bwahaha!
Update by Chad.



10/23/99
The big Mike Tyson fight is on tonight. Eh? He's fighting some guy that only his parents know about. I hope the FAAANN MAAAN is there. Well, if Tyson loses you will get a downloadable demo of DK64 as your update. If he wins, you will get DKC3 bios as our Palooza Weekend continues. But I'm not going to wait for the outcome. Mike Tyson wins. You get the DKC3 Character Bio Section, with the brand new bios of Kiddy, Cranky, and KAOS. And 29 days left until NBC and BET find a common interest, unite, and form the NBETC, which doesn't have Caucasian OR African Amercian people on any shows.

Observer: "I shant....."
Update by Slush.



10/22/99
Woah! We all love Donkey Kong Country 3, right? Of course. So everyone should be happy with today's updates. We've got the ultra-smazticular Donkey Kong Country 3 Section giving us brain damage with its radiation, naturally with Screenshots nipping at its heels. Our Friend's been working very hard the past month, and demanded a day off. We only have two pics as of now, but expect a lot more in the coming days, when we kick him in the bum and order his battery-filled arse back to work. And we've resurrected the cobweb-ridden TimeVine with the events in and around Donkey Kong Country 3. So enough site stuff. It is currently one month until my life's biggest dream is realized. One month until I'll embark on my 85-hour sleepless videogame binge. One month until we all can die happily, having played the game of our dreams.

We have but one month to wait.
Update by Chad.



10/21/99
Matt Roush is a punk. Look at that small snapshot of him in every issue of TV Guide, piercing into your soul like a grapefruit. Matt Roush doesn't like us, so I've heard. We don't like him either. In fact Mr. Roush, if you ever read this, I would just like to say that Gene Siskel writes better TV Guide articles then you do, and he then you had to go and let him die! On the other hand, Ebert rules. He reminds me of Porkins from Star Wars: A New Hope. Remember him? The guy who went "BLARGG!" in the X-Wing? And he died as well. But Ebert isn't dead. But Gene Siskel is. And he wrote better articles than Matt Roush. FAQ has just alerted me that he's udpated himself since I'm too busy babbling. FAQ numbers 16, 17, and 18 have arrived for your reading displeasure then. And some of them have to do with DK64! And none have to do with our bane, Matt Roush.
Update by Slush.



10/20/99
Wheee!!! We've finally decided to add a new section to all the games! Behold, the renders section! So far, we have the Banjo-Kazooie Renders Section straightened out with nice pretty furry pictures for you to drool over. So there. AAHH!!! THAT INVISIBLE FORCE IS YELLING AT ME AGAIN!!! Eh?
Update by Chad.



10/19/99
Well hardy har har har. I bet you wanted some deep and profound DK64 news update. Well, there is none. None at all. So here's as close as we can deliver. This character MIGHT be in DK64 from the screenshots we've seen, so wheee! to el Senor Clapper bio. Oh, and who loves those new ketchup commercials! Brilliant!
Update by Slush.



10/18/99
Okay. I'm sitting, standing, digging in my shoes, and eating a ham sandwich, all the while trying to think of a creative way to type the update. Hmm. There's just no beating Slush's panic-stricken urination gibberish. Ahh. Anyway, Klubba and Glimmer are sticking their snouts and... erm... fish lips out in the DKC2 Character Bios section. So go take a nice long gander. I would have written something funny about the two characters, but there's nothing that a club-wielding maniac and a fish with a lightbulb forehead attachment have in common. There, that was semi-creative, huh? Well, I can be funny too! Ahhh. I am... erm.. I need to... defecate. I am passing... out! Ahh! There. How was that?
Update by Chad.



10/17/99
I GOTTA URINATE! BLADDER TOO HEAVY! AHHH!!!!! DKL2 UPDATE! AHHHH!!!! REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!! MUST PEE! PEEEEE!!!!!! PASSING.....out....
Update by Slush.



10/16/99
Hey! You DKL-liking people will be happy today. Why? Well, we've splatted the General Game Info and Story So Far into the DKL2 section. But you anti-DKL, pro-DK64 people should also be grinning your collective arses off with the Multiplayer and Treehouse pics popping up in the Screenshots page. But wait! We promised to report on any news as it enters. So we give you both the DK64 Good Guys and Bad Guys checklists turbo-charged by a member each. And I got Floyd! Aahahahaha!!! Whoops. This is a DKU, site, isn't it? Okay, then...err.. just delete the past seven seconds from your memory bank. There we go.
Update by Chad.



10/15/99
Sonny has payed the price, and he is rotting in my cell of the domned. Ahahaha...you are next Wario.....you piece of rotton worm ridden.......OH! Hello boys and girls! Today kicks off the Donkey Kong Land 2 PALOOZA MACHINE!!!!!!! We got the Main Section and Screenshots. And for all you anti-DKL freaks, we will have any new DK64 news this weekend if they surface. So bite us.
Update by Slush.



10/14/99
In the JFG Wormhole, all humans are replaced with stick figures. Hey! I managed to make it out of the Jet Force Gemini Wormhole...but more on that later. It seems we have a very special large feature for you, to put to rest any species quarrels about the playable characters in the DKU. So here we go, with a nice, perforated feature, entitled The Definitive Species. And Toys R Us, our most trusted videogame store (even though they said Jet Force Gemini would be in stock the 17th yet I bought it from them the 12th), has stated that they expect Donkey Kong 64 to be the biggest selling console game of the 1999 Holiday Season! There! I made it sound like a tremendously huge feat, but we knew all along it was destined to happen. Okay, now for my tale. As you probably know, I was stuck in the Jet Force Gemini Wormhole. This wormhole is a place where the whole universe is topsy-turvy. I was able to send a few e-mails out, and perhaps in the future I will post them, so you can see what happened. The wormhole was incredible. I was actually inside of the game...or that's how it appeared. The textures were not textures. They were real. Except everything seemed backwards, somehow. It was very strange. Finally, while shooting a sniper drone, I missed and shot a hole in the space-time fabric and was sucked back into the DKU, which is also Earth's universe. So I'm back. Hurrah. And yes, Vela is just as hot in real life. (?)
Update by Chad.



10/13/99
Oh no! Chad has been sucked up into a Jet Force Gemini induced portal! He's vanished, and now that means I will have to spend the next 24 hours finding him. But before he was lost through time and space, he tossed me his Conker's Pocket Tales Review. And before I prepared to search for him, I wrote mine as well. Well, let the hunt begin, and I hope he will be back for tomorrow's update from the JET FORCE GEMINI WORMHOLE.
Update by Slush.



10/12/99
I am in a very good mood. First, we finally scraped together enough letters to toss together a respectable Letters Page. And what's more, I finally bought Jet Force Gemini! Now I'll be frantically playing through the game to see if one of our nice DKU friends pops up saying "Ow, my back!" or "Hey, it's Tiptup! Don't shoot me!". Hee hee hee! Well, back to the game. Those sniper drones are a pain, they are.
Update by Chad.



10/11/99
Aye, laddies and lassies. Now is not the time to lose your sea legs! High up in the mizzenmast, this update wants to take you out. The Updated Speculation Center has sent many an old salt tumbling into Davey Jones's Locker. Even Blackbeard turned white as a sheet when he saw this update of prey!

Yes, and happy Columbus Day. Let's celebrate the murders of dozens of Native Amercians at the hands of a drooling Spaniard. Thank you Columbus. You are an American hero, much like Hans Sprungfeld.
Update by Slush.



10/10/99
AAAHHH!! I'm being yelled at my some invisible force! Ahh, well, anyway, the DK64 Long Weekend Palooza keeps you squinting with the inclusion of an Items Checklist and Renders Section. And finally, www.donkeykong64.com is up and running under the stupid name of YDK. Huzzah. I didn't really mean that huzzah. Now, what would happen if I clicked the delete key on updates.html. Well, there's only one way to find out...BZZT!!! CRACKLE!!! COUGH!!! SPUTTER!!!
Update by Chad.



10/09/99
Hope you are all having a safe and responsible long weekend. Some really violent movies are on television right now, so that's nice. We have more Donkey Kong 64 stuff for you today, with two new lists in the DK64 Checklist section. There is the Donkey Kong 64 Character Checklist, which is an overview of all the characters (no matter how minor or worthless) that we know of in DK64. Then there is the Donkey Kong 64 Level Checklist, which overviews all the worlds and levels we know of in nice detail. SMACK! And Chad's Top Ten DKU Characters We Should See in DK64 has just smacked me in the face!

I wish Chuck Norris would get into a fight with Jackie Chan. HOOHAR!
Update by Slush.



10/08/99
Oh no! Are you scared? You should be! Because our first ever DK64 Long Weekend Palooza is being kicked off. Yes, that's right: A three-day jam with none other than Lanky and cohorts! So to grab your attention, we've shlopped up the Monkey Rap in its entirety into the DK64 Section. And to further reel you in, we're tossing out a new feature, the The Top Ten DKU Characters We Should See in DK64 that Slush typed up between brunch and semi-lunch. Expect part deux (my top ten character list) to appear tomorrow. But hey, hold on there! Because we want to get to know each and every one of you, we posted an addition to the DK64 Bad Guys Checklist that's so unpersonal that we may as well not exist. Muahahahaaaaa!!!
Update by Chad.



10/07/99
Well, the lack of DK64 news and so forth brings us to this hefty update (hefty, yeah right). We have the General Game Info and Story So Far of Conker's Pocket Tales. Whoo hoo. But tomorrow we kick of the long weekend in super fashion. Yay! And have you ever noticed how you sometimes have multi-colored poop? Lighter in some areas and darker in others? Hey! We're offensive again!
Update by Slush.



10/06/99
Holy shards of shrapnel! We're preparing for something big this weekend, being a long weekend and all, so you're getting a very special WEEKDAY PALOOZA! Remember, these will only be used when we're out of ideas for updates, and don't want to write biographies. So, you can have a lemon-scented Conker's Pocket Tales section with lemon-scented Screenshots as a result. But woah, there! Before you get blasted off into the world of half-nude forest creatures, there are two special spots of news for you. So gather round the fire, but don't get burnt, mind you. It seems in addition to the craptacular original Donkey Kong game, Rare will include a treat that Gun Toting Retro Net (a.k.a Rarenet) will probably slobber upon. An early-eightys Rare game, Jet Pak, will be blasting its way into DK64. But wait, that was only half the news. It seems Mario Golf GBC is out, but don't worry. MGGBC is only a DKU game when the Transfer Pak comes out. Donkey Kong will not be in the GBC version, and the GBC version is only necessary to complete the DKU game, Mario Golf. You need the transfer pak to do this. Stop being confused, just accept it. Oh yes, and if I ever chopped off a finger, I would run up to people, wave it in their face, and say "knubby-knubby!"
Update by Chad.



10/05/99
Binkers! You wanted a DK64 update, we have one for you! Although you hopefully know it all already. But if your a tad stupid, please read and enjoy! Tonight we have updated the Good Guy Checklist and the Bad Guy Checklist for the DK64 section! Watch as both sides fight it out in a bloody orgy! No sexual implications, of course. We are a family site! Now please read this excerpt from an incredibly bloody poem!

Listen to the creepy proclamation,
Blown through the lairs of the forest-nation,
Blown past the white-ants' hill of clay,
Blown past the marsh where the butterflies play:-
"Be careful what you do,
Or Mumbo-Jumbo, God of the Congo,
And all of the other
Gods of the Congo,
Mumbo-Jumbo will hoo-doo you,
Mumbo-Jumbo will hoo-doo you,
Mumbo-Jumbo will hoo-doo you."


-Vachel Lindsay, The Congo

Kind of sounds....familiar, don't it?
Update by Slush.



10/04/99
Woah, hoah, hoah! We just keep on a truckin' to the sweet sweet beat of DKC2 Character Bios with the parrot twins, Squeaks and Flapper. But wait! There's a huge, gigantical bio popping into the Donkey Kong Country, Land, and 2 Bios sections! Here's a few hints: He's a bad guy! He's green! And he's.....a bad guy! Who is it? No, not Rosie O'Donnel. It's K. Rool's Biography! Wahay! His life story is finally complete, and it only took us three weeks to get around to write it! Wahay once more! Or something.
Update by Chad.



10/03/99
Well; today the General Game Info, Story So Far, and Character Bios for Donkey Kong Country 2 are up, and the Screenshots ate a Power Bar or two; as sadly the weekend nears it's end. But don't think about that, as you can stay up all night in your little bed forts as you delay your occupation approaching tomorrow. So as the DKC2 Palooza paloozes it's hide out of here, the Diddy Kong Racing section has been majorly spruced up with the new Action Figures!!! section! Hey, I'm bleeding!
Update by Slush.



10/02/99
Wow! What a day! We've both been working our rears off (Slush in Mario Golf, and myself in stupid crap-work) so you should be glad you even have an update today at all! But we've typed and typed despite the late hour, to bring you fresh, simmering Reviews for Donkey Kong Country 2. Expect a HUGE, giganticallapalooza update tomorrow. Oh, yes, and Toys R Us does carry Diddy Kong Racing action figures! I ran out today and bought them like a hyperactive kindergartener. Wahoo! Run out and buy them! Now, I say! I'll bite your eyes off if you don't! I sure will!
Update by Chad.



10/01/99
CHACHOOG! Friday! And we have a very special special for you today in Features. It's all Relative: How the Kongs Relate to Each Other. Oh, and we also have Updates Archives bubbling up starting today. Before we get to our weekend rituals, there is some exciting news for DKU fans. Diddy Kong Racing action figures are slowly becoming avaliable wherever you buy toys! So far there is only Diddy, Banjo, and Wizpig, but more could come later! Yipee! And now let us begin the Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest PALOOZA MEGA FRUCTOSE WEEKEND!!! The DKC2 section is up, followed by Screenshots. Oh yes, and Mario's sperm DOES work.
Update by Slush.